I didn't have a good Easter weekend as I got myself trapped into a downward spiral. It started with not managing to get as much sleep as I usually do, but I figured that as it was a holiday weekend I’d let it slide – this was a mistake. The thing with chronic disabilities like M.E. is that they don’t care whether it’s a holiday or not, they attack your body and mind just the same. Lack of sleep led to extra pain and exhaustion, which led to feeling depressed, which led to not resting as much as I should (in a futile attempt to keep the depression from increasing), which starts the whole cycle off again.
Last week Michael Nobbs wrote in his Sustainably Creative letter that when you feel you can’t take a break (because there is so much that you should be doing), that is usually when you need a break the most. He was talking on a more overarching scale, but I after this weekend I realised it is just as true when it comes to hour by hour. I had stopped resting and taking care of myself properly because I was feeling depressed.
The more depressed I got, the more resistance I had to resting. It was only yesterday that it clicked: if I am feeling that much resistance, I probably should be doing it.
So yesterday I tried to get back into my resting schedule. It’s still a work in progress (if anyone knows how to lie in darkness for two hours at a time, 4 times a day, without getting mind numbingly bored please let me know), but after just one day I felt my attitude change. I am still in a lot of pain and totally shattered (it didn’t help that my body refused to sleep for long last night), but in general I am not feeling like I want to curl into a ball and give up completely, which is how I felt for most of the long weekend. I just needed to give myself the space to allow myself to believe (if only a little bit) in my dreams and in a future where I’m not spending every day feeling helpless and trapped.
Is there something you've been resisting? If so, you might want to think about why you are resisting in the first place and possibly realise that it’s time to just do it.