Silence

When I moved into my flat one thing I didn’t like was I could barely hear when it rained unless it was absolutely chucking it down.  Today I realised I haven’t been sitting in the right place or allow enough silence to truly let the rain be heard.

In modern society there is no such thing as silence.  We are constantly being bombarded by music, strange noises from our phones, having the TV on ‘in the background’ – and that is just inside the house.  The only time I am really quiet is when I’m reading, and honestly I that isn’t completely silence as my mind is being filled with someone else’s words and thoughts.  And that moment between putting down the book and deciding what to do next, that moment that is only filled with silence, is not something I look forward to.

I find silence disconcerting. I don’t know how to feel or what to do when it’s too quiet, so I fill up my days with as much noise as I can find.  It’s not exactly intentional, but it’s become something necessary to feel calm and safe.

Because silence isn’t safe. Silence forces us to listen to our own thoughts without any outside input; it forces us to truly take stock of how we’re feeling. And, unfortunately, because we are so busy filling our lives with noise, we don’t always notice how run down we are, and we don’t want to know. So we fill our lives with noise.

There isn’t really a point to this post, it’s simply an observation.  I thought about making it a point that I’ll try and have my silence in my life (because I will), but honestly I don’t know whether noise isn’t just as important.

Do you make intentional time for silence? Have you found it to be helpful, or does it not really make a difference?

War

Today is remembrance Sunday, and as a Scout leader I joined the local parade and service. I used to participate in this every year when I was a teenager as part of the army cadets, but this is the first year I had a remote understanding what it is we are remembering.

As it is 100 years since the outbreak of WWI, there has been a lot of documentaries and dramas on the BBC this year.  Through these I have learned so much, often more than I could deal with emotionally.  Yet I am still aware that I have no real comprehension of life during the world wars, let alone life in the trenches.

What I do know is war is just as terrible if you are fighting on the other side.  Today the Padre said something that horrified me. He said ‘we should take pride that those young men died (during the world wars) fighting a wicked and evil enemy’.  I can understand family members feeling pride that their son fought for justice and peace.  I can understand that those who created the wars were/are wicked and evil (at least in our point of view). But I also know that those men didn’t die fighting those who had started the war; they died fighting men exactly like themselves. Those men believed they were fighting for peace and justice, just as much as our men did. War makes everyone the same, and to imply it is heroic in any sense, is to avoid the issue of the fact they are fighting for their beliefs as those on the other side are fighting for theirs.  When we remember those that gave their todays so we could live in this tomorrow, we shouldn’t only remember those from our own countries, but those from every country.

We remember so their lives weren’t given in vain, that’s what we like to tell ourselves.  Yet, to me, it seems as if we haven’t learnt anything from the horrendousness and tragedy of the world wars. People are still fighting. They say it is to maintain peace, but all I can see is death and pain and sorrow.

Angry and Frustrated

The other day I noticed I haven't been  my usual, happy self recently. To be honest, especially around strangers I've been rude and crotchety.  Of course, this isn't how I want to be, as I've always made it a priority to smile and be pleasant as doing so can have incredible (and wonderful) effects on others, and even if not, you know you've done your best to improve their day.

The problem is, even though I've become aware of it, I still feel a churning anger and frustration inside me. As it's so big, it has become hard not to just react in that way whenever someone irritates me (and to be honest, at the minute, most people irritate me).  I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will go away soon, as this is not the person i want to be.

Until then I'm going to try and tame my temper and smile at everyone no matter what. Do you have any tricks to keep yourself pleasant when you really don't want to be?

Facebook and the Past and Future

Lately I have started spending more time on Facebook,.  While I've been on Facebook for years, I only really used it for games and photo sharing and organising events.  Somehow over the past couple of months, I've begun using it to be a part of discussions - both in groups and on status's. This has led to me updating my status occasionally and sharing my views, and honestly I think that's why I haven't been blogging as much - it's not that I can't think of anything to say, but that I have already said it in a condensed version somewhere else.  But I love blogging, so don't worry, I will likely always find my way back here.

On Facebook at the moment, many people seem to be using something called 'Time Hop' which is an app that shows you what you've posted to your Facebook wall on the same date in previous years, and then reposts it for you.  This might just be my friends, but I doubt it.  However, I refuse to use it, simply because I don't want to live in the past; I am much more excited about the present and the future.  If we all just post what we've posted before, what new content will there be, both now and if you continue using 'Time Hop'?

There is nothing wrong with looking back and remembering and learning from the past.  But if that's all we focus on, we cannot move forward as individuals or as a society.  I don't know about you, but discovery is one of those things that energizes me. I love watching documentaries, not because I want to follow the past, but because I need the new (to me) information. I need to keep learning and exploring, and I cannot do that if I only look back.  I also happen to think that we live in an amazing (if slightly terrifying) fast-paced world where change is happening quicker than ever. I might not be the first to try out new phones or ipods, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to seeing where we're going.

So this post did sway a little from my topic in the last paragraph, but that is what I love about writing and blogging - I can start in one place and it will lead me to a choice of many paths of ideas.

Do you use Time Hop? Either way, let me know what you think of the constant deluge of the past we seem to keep posting on  places like Facebook.

My Childhood Nightmare: Memories That Have Made Me

So much has happened in my life already, and a lot of those experiences have stayed with me.  They are not all monumentous, nor are they all life changing.  But every single one of them (and the countless more that are buried deep within me) have made me who I am. 
 I hope others will join in with me and post their own memories on their blogs (or in the comments).  I will be posting mine every Friday, but it doesn’t matter when you write yours or if you wish to do them fortnightly or monthly – your writing should fit with your schedule.  If you do join I ask that you link to my blog with this link: http://emptythoughtsrewritten.blogspot.co.uk (until I’ve worked out how to create a button for you to display) and that you will link your POST (not just your blog link please) in the comments each week (until I’ve worked out how to make a linky thing for you to add your links to – I’m really not very tech-savvy!).

When I was a child, about 10 or 11, I had a reoccurring nightmare. It always started with me playing with my best friend at the time, Mary-Ann – who just happened to live with me in the dream – in my back garden. As we are playing, we found some eggs that had been left by dinosaurs (as you do); instead of getting rid of them or telling an adult we decide to keep them safe under the stairs. When they hatched, out popped some cute little monsters (it’s a dream, just go with it), which we happily played with. Then one day the monsters weren’t little and cute anymore, but big and dangerous – as I found out when they ate Mary-Ann and then my family.

When I looked at the actual dream I never understood why it scared me so much, as logically it’s a fairly average dream. But it wasn’t the dream, so much as the feeling I was left with, that terrified me. I would wake up not only scared, but guilty that I had caused the disaster, and this feeling refused to go away for quite a while.

I don’t know how many times I had that nightmare, but it never got less terrifying. I have no idea how to interpret it (if you have any ideas please leave them in the comments), nor why it suddenly stopped.

I don’t really have nightmares that often now, at least not ones I can remember. I know I dream a lot of the time, but I’m rarely able to hold on to them long enough to know what actually happened. But the ‘big’ dreams are the ones which leave me with a feeling. Admittedly, it isn’t usually a pleasant feeling, and not remembering the specifics of why I’m feeling it creates confusion, but the intensity of those feelings always surprise me and remind me each time how powerful the subconscious is.

So, my reiterating my childhood nightmare seems to have turned into some kind of psychological ramble, oops.  I’d love to know if you also experience intense feelings when you wake from a dream; and if you’ve ever had a reoccurring dream. Let me know in the comments.

Living History

For those of you who aren't Doctor Who fans - this post isn't really about Doctor Who, though the video above prompted this post and is a good example of my points.

As I was watching all the different Doctor Who opening credits, in order, I couldn't help but notice that as I viewed them in my head I was thinking 'yes, that's definitely 70's, and that is obviously 80's, and OMG that is sooooo 90's'. Of course they are all similar and you can see how the theme evolves into what it currently is, and that in itself is probably a whole other post - seeing how over time one thing can morph into something completely different yet when you break it down it is easy to follow the progress, and wondering if Doctor Who will still be around in 20 years time.

But my point, seeing as there is one I am actually trying to get to, is that there are certain things we automatically associate with certain time periods, and these are especially noticeable in television as different effects were discovered and became popular. From those associations, we create ideas of what those decades were like - eg. swinging sixties where everyone was a hippy with long hair; eighties with flared trousers and neon clothes. Obviously I can't know what those years were like, only what is projected from films and photos and stories.

And this got me wondering (yes, I'm almost at what I wanted to write about), is what people in 40 years time or so, will look back and think of us right now. What things will they remember, what will be distinctive about our society and culture? This is something I often think about, and of course cannot have any clue, but I think it's something that's fascinating - that we are living history right now. I can't wait to find out what the future holds, but I also would love to know what future generations will look back and see.

I guess this post wasn't particularly cohesive and a bit rambley, so sorry about that. However, I'm super excited about the fact that once again I seem to have started having ideas I want to write about that aren't simply updates about my health, so fingers crossed there will be more random content spewing from my brain here soon.

Hibernating and Gentle Stirring

If you follow me on Twitter, then you'll know that the past few weeks haven't been my best. My M.E. has reared it's head, causing me to struggle to do the few things I had previously been able to do without much issue (such as going online, making breakfast and lunch, etc).

Just before Christmas I was beginning to see a slight improvement in my health, and was beginning to have hope that one day I would return to a 'normal' life. This has made these past few weeks all the harder, as to be honest it has been disheartening to go back to not even being able to read as much as I would like, whenever I'd like.  In a way it felt like taking a step forward, only to take a step back. Thankfully I have had the support of many wonderful 'spoonie' friends, who have made it possible for me to fight the downward spiral my depression, frustration and anger was taking me.

Michael Nobbs made January a month of hibernation. I hadn't intended my January to follow suit, but my body clearly had other ideas. Now that my emotional and mental state have come back to positive, I'm planning to join Michael's month of gentle stirring in February (can't believe that tomorrow is February, it seems far too soon), by committing to working on a project for 20 minutes every day.  20 minutes may not sound a lot to some people, but to me each 20 minutes of work will likely need to be followed by 90-120 minutes of full resting, and of course, 20 minutes is better than none.  If you'd like to join in, you can find out more here, and I would love it if you let me know in the comments.  The project I will be working on is one I started last year, and feel it's time to continue and hopefully finish. I hope you will understand that I won't be sharing the specifics here just yet, as from experience I have discovered that I have a much better chance of finishing if I don't talk about it much.

On the plus side of the past few weeks, I have had plenty of time to think without planning or hoping or dreaming, which has left me feeling open and ready to be filled with new ideas. I've also been watching Charmed on Netflix (I'm just starting series 3 so no spoilers please), and wondering why on earth I waited until now to give the show a chance (actually, I know it was because I read a few of the books when I was a teenager and hated them).  I've also been watching White Collar when I've been feeling up to it (shows like this use more energy than you'd think, as it requires me to actively pay attention the whole time to actually enjoy it), and have a very long list of films and shows I want to watch in the future.

Overall, I don't think this was a wasted month, as it's given me the time to recover from the holiday season (admittedly, I'd like to have recovered earlier, but that's life with M.E.) both physically and mentally, and I'm back to hoping and dreaming about the year to follow.

A Musing, A Ramble and Thoughts on M.E.

For those of you living without a chronic disability, the chances are you won't really get excited in the same way I'm about to.

Today I started reading the next book on my ever growing TBR (to be read) pile. It's a women's literature book and I've only read the first few chapters, but I just had to share a few sentences. The first sentence is from the end of the first chapter:

Five years ago Eileen had been diagnosed as suffering from M.E. and ... there was a limit to what she could do.

Eileen is the main character's mother, so while she's not (so far) a big part of the story, she is in the main group of characters in my mind. So when I read the above sentence, I actually had to stop and reread it. Surely I had got it wrong. Surely the author didn't mean the same M.E. that is the debilitating and life-changing (and not usually in the good way) chronic disability that I live with.

And later on:

Eileen wasn't getting enough rest, and if that went on for too long, Harriet (the main character) knew her mother would be stuck in bed for days. ... Just as soon as she started to feel well and her energy levels increased she invariably overdid it and was back to where she'd started, feeling ill again.

And my favourite:

...before M.E. sneaked its way into her life and sapped her energy...

So why did these references surprise me so much? Because, other than books that are specifically written about M.E., I have never come across it in fiction before, and definitely not so casually added to the story. And as you know, I've read a lot of books.

While this book isn't 'new' (2004), I can't help but feel a surge of hope at seeing M.E. included in a book this way. It marks, at least to me, the idea that people in general are becoming more aware of it. When you live online, talking mostly to people with chronic disabilities, it's easy to forget that the rest of the world doesn't have much of a clue of what is happening to us.

In some small way it also felt like a validation. I know it shouldn't have, I know what I live with and what it has done to my life and to others' lives, but seeing it in print made it suddenly seem more real. While this may not be a bad thing, especially if M.E. starts to be seen as 'real' by many who currently disagree, it has made the little bit of hope that this is just a bad dream die a little more. Just to be clear, I'm still hopeful and positive about improving. And I'm not so blind as to think that I can just wipe these years out of my mind. But it is pretty overwhelming and ignoring my reality is sometimes the only way I can cope.

Okay, so this post ended up going in a completely different direction from what I planned, but hey, that sometimes happens. And if you're curious, the book is 'Love and Devotion' by Erica James. Is it bad that I'm thinking I'll have to read more of her books just because of this?

Long Days and Changes

I stayed with my parents over Christmas and New Year, and since I've got back, the days suddenly seem extremely long.

When I was with my family I spent most of my time chatting or watching things, or going out (thanks Kaz for pushing me all those times in my wheelchair), and of course rested when I was near collapse. Now it is back to just me, alone in my flat.

I realise that probably sounds a lot more drear than it is. It's just that I can't work out why I now seem to have a lot more hours than I did before visiting my family.  I am resting just as much, more actually; but the rest of the time I am (mostly) more focused on achieving what I can between rests.  Even over the weekend where I pretty much slept the whole time to recover from my 'holiday', the days seemed so long.

On the one hand this is kind of nice as I have a lot more time to play with (I know I don't really, but that's how it feels), and therefore I've been doing a little more. Of course the consequences to doing more, is that I'm in a lot more pain than I'm happy with.  I guess it'll take me a little while to rebalance myself.

However, I am trying to be more aware of my time. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result (or something along those lines). While I'm not claiming in any way to be sane, I do want to instigate small changes into my life. Now my health is starting to improve I want to make sure that continues, but I also want to make myself ready for when I find I am able to join the rest of the world (getting a job, learning to drive, etc). I don't think it will happen this year (and that's not me being pessimistic for those of you into positive thinking), but I do feel this year is going to be a major stepping stone to my future (okay, technically every moment is a stepping stone to the future, but you know what I mean).

I plan to do a few posts on the changes I'm making, but other than that I honestly don't know what else will find its way onto this blog, so I guess we'll find out together.

My Bubble

Lately I've started to wonder how everyone else in the world lives. I can't help feeling that I am missing out, as so much of my life revolves around what I am reading and watching online. While I am no longer completely trapped by the four walls around me, I am still trapped within my body - and I'm starting to feel that everything in my life is in an artificial bubble. This wouldn't be so bad, after all, living in a bubble gives a certain sense of safety, but knowing it is fake leads me to question what the point of everything is. Most days my main aim is simply to get through the day, and into the next one.

Of course I have a few plans that I try and work on, but as I never seem to quite make enough progress, I feel that I am on a treadmill rather than a road. I am going nowhere. Is this all life is? Is this all my life will ever be?

Distracted

About a month ago I got a new phone.  It is only my third phone ever, and is the first smartphone I've owned (yes, I am way behind everyone else, that's just me).

While I love having access to so many apps, I have to say that I've found myself 'multi-tasking' more and more.  Instead of just watching something, I am also playing games. Instead of resting, I am watching YouTube videos.

I know it's on me to learn to limit how I spend my energy, but having all this access is both a blessing and a curse.  On my bad days it doesn't matter if I can get up to turn on my laptop, as I can now go on Twitter and be filled with hope from the #spoonie support there.  But on good days I have to force myself away from the pointless games (candy crush saga comes in top right now), making procrastination even easier.  Even while I'm doing something else, I am still distracted by thinking about what needs to be done on my phone (i.e. whether my little 'pou' pet needs something, or if my tiny tower needs to be stocked)

I guess it's something that I will have to adapt to. I know I need to dial down the usage of my phone, and since realising this I've already made good progress by consciously making the decision not to pick up my phone while a page loads, or during the credits between episodes of whatever I'm watching (just started 'Orange is the new Black').  Over time I'm hoping to continue making time for the important things, it just takes a little practice.  Now that the novelty of having internet on my phone has mostly dialled down, I'm hoping I can start using my phone to aid productivity, rather than procrastination.

What are your favourite apps?  Feel free to share addictive games, as I like having something to do when I am forced to lie down for prolonged periods, but mostly I'm looking for apps to help inspire and motivate myself.

A Bad Week

I am just coming out of a particularly bad week.  On Wednesday, while still at my bff's (that's best friend forever if you're not sure), I woke up to find that my body was refusing to move; by the end of the day (consisting of lying on the sofa) I was able to move a bit, but definitely wasn't able to go home as had been the plan.  Thankfully I have a very understanding bff, who was happy for me to stay longer and look after me.

I am glad to say that was the worst day, and since then I've been slowly getting back to being able to do a little.  It did get me thinking of how far I've come, though.  Only a few months ago this wouldn't have been a bad week, it would have been an average week.  I am now usually able to go out twice a week, rather than just the once, and I am beginning to think about adding more back into my life again.  I am also in less pain on most days and more positive.

It is so easy to see how far I have left to go. Of course I am still struggling with both my physical health and my depression. I hate not being able to go out and see friends whenever I want, I hate that I need to carers to wash my hair and help me prepare dinner, I hate not having a job.

But I have improved since moving to my current flat, and I have my fingers crossed that I will keep going in that direction.  I still have a long way to go, but looking back I see how much better I'm doing now than I was 6 months ago - and that gives me hope that one day I will be able to have a 'normalish' life once again.

Autumn

On Sunday Fall Autumn arrived.  One day it was sunny and hot, the next it was grey and drizzly; and it took me off guard.

Now, everyone knows I don't particularly like the heat, and that Winter is my favourite season.  This year, however, my first reaction to the change in the weather, was disappointment.  I wanted more sun.  I had finally got into the Summer mood, and enjoyed going out a couple of times a week (note: massive improvement from a few months ago).  And suddenly everything changed.  I am not looking forward to going out as it gets colder and wetter (the downside with having a scooter is that pretty much all of me gets soaked and it's not like I can use an umbrella).

I am glad to say that this disappointment didn't last long.  Of course I was hoping for more time before I had to worry about Christmas presents and decorations (I always want handmade but am never organised to do it - and I'm a firm believer that shops and the like shouldn't have anything Christmassy at least until November, so I wasn't impressed when I saw Christmas chocolates available at the grocery store today). On the flip side, a large part of why I hadn't been working on them (or anything else) as planned, was due to the ridiculous heat (like I said, I am not a fan of sweaty temperatures).

So Autumn has arrived.  It means there will soon be vegetables available to make stews and thick soups.  It means getting excited about Christmas (don't judge).  It means shorter days, with long evenings of reading with hot chocolate.  And it means beautiful colours.  All in all, once the shock of how quickly everything changed wore off, I realised that I haven't changed - I still love Winter the best (though admit to dreading being trapped inside if it snows), but can appreciate every season.

*Random note - Anyone else noticed I seem to be over-using Parentheses lately?

I Will Write

This post was inspired by looking at artwork on Pinterest, which is something I've only recently come across as usually I waste my time looking for craft ideas and recipes that I rarely manage to actually make.  It is unedited and the word vomit of how most of my ideas come to me.

The world is filled with incredible imagination.  Often I go looking for inspiration, and spend the next few days filled with wonder and amazement at all that I have found.  Unfortunately this also has the effect of me not doing any work of my own.  Usually I am hopeful to add my own creativity to the world, but then procrastinate instead of doing.  And other times I simply feel that I have nothing to add.  What more could possibly be needed?  I know that is a double-edged question and no answer will ever suffice.

The thing for me is that I believe in my ability to create amazing work.  But I don’t believe in my imagination to give me the fuel to create said amazing work.  I want to join the ranks of journaling and writing and all those things I find so inspiring; I even know how to.  I just find that I never do.

I know I need to stop worrying about it, and simply start doing.  It doesn’t matter how awful my first attempts at art are – no one has to see them after all.  And yet I find I can never start.  And so I procrastinate and look at the wonders of others, never contributing anything myself. 

But occasionally, every now and then, I start to write about it and that is enough for now.  I am writing something and the more I write, the more I continue to write.  I might not be able to add anything visual just yet, but words can be just as powerful, oftentimes much more powerful.  And so I will stop worrying about my inability to add my art to the world, and focus on the art I know I can do, the art that comes naturally to me.  I will write. (Hopefully much better articulated sentences, paragraphs and stories.)

Blogmas Day 29: Goals and Dreams

I'm not sure if I ever wrote here about my goal of reading 75 books this year.  It isn't something I'd ever considered before, but due to being on Goodreads, I couldn't help noticing the Reading Challenges that people set themselves on there.  And being who I am, I love setting goals and seeing my progress.

75 was kind of a random number, but I knew I wanted to read more than one book a week.  As it turns out, I didn't even manage that (my current count is 49 books so far this year).  However, I am not feeling bad about not reaching my goal.  For a start, it isn't anything important, just something I was doing for fun.  And secondly, I had no idea how many books on average I read a year so had nothing to base my goal on.  Now I have a more realistic idea, I can set this year's challenge so that it's still challenging, but not so over-ambitious that it is impossible to complete.  Basically, I'm saying that doing something with a goal in mind is enjoyable and motivational for me, but only as long as I know what I can and can't achieve, and whether or not it actually matters.

There are things I had hoped to achieve this year that are now collecting dust.  I haven't forgotten or abandoned them, it just turned out that this year was not the right time for them.  But I am determined not to let that stop me dreaming and planning and doing (which, of course, is the most important part).  I now know what my dreams were and what some of my new dreams are.  Yet despite this, I have no idea where I'm heading.  This year has been rough for me and I have a horrible suspicion that next year may be just as tough.  I often wish I could simply give up but I guess that's not in me as no matter what, I always start to try again.

This post, once again, went into a different place from what I had planned.  But I'm kind of enjoying these rambles that start as one thing and then open into a whole other place within me.  Writing this is as much for me as it is for you (actually, probably more so), and I hope it helps you to uncover who you are and what you think as you read what I'm discovering about myself.

Blogmas Day 26: Not Voiceless

Okay, so I seem to have totally failed at blogging every day this month but I am determined to continue trying at the very least.  I was going to do a post for each day with what I did and such but let's be honest, it probably wouldn't be that great to read as many of my thoughts have been lost by now.  There were, however, a couple of highlights that I want to share with you (and as it's my blog I can do whatever I like, and if you don't like it, there are plenty of other websites for you to waste your time on).

One of the things I noticed this year was just how hard it was to get something for my Christmas dinner.  I am a vegetarian (and have been now for about 13 years) and so usually have a substitute for meat for big family dinners.  A few years ago I had something wonderful; unfortunately I can't remember exactly what it was but I know it came from M & S - of course that means that every year I pay M & S a visit in the hopes that they will have something equally as great.  Needless to say, they have never come through for me since.  My parents checked Tesco and The Co-op but came back without anything suitable to go with a roast.  So on Sunday my sister took me to Sainsbury's.  There were two chilled nut roasts left, absolutely no frozen festive food left or the choice of a 'Quorn family roast' which I've had in the past and is literally a lump of protein that tastes of nothing.  So I got one of the (very expensive) nut roasts.  It was actually lovely and probably contributed to the over-eating I indulged in yesterday (I blame my brother and sister-in-law, Spud and Kess for making too much delicious food), though I still have quite a lot left as it wasn't a small portion.  Anyway, if you are vegetarian or have any special diet requirements what do you do for big meals like Christmas dinner?

Yesterday (Christmas day) was totally different from any of my previous Christmas' as my family spent the day at Spud and Kess' (it still feels strange to think that my brother has a wife!).  I took plenty of photos and can't wait to get round to editing them.  I have been getting into photography ever since their wedding.  I do not intend to ever take it up as a serious hobby, nor do I really worry that I am choosing settings rather than working out my own (still a step up from just leaving it on auto though, right?) but am just enjoying taking, editing and having plenty of photos.  If my photos weren't all in storage for the time being I would be trying to make sure everything goes into albums and I can't wait until I get the chance to sort them all (I think it's nice to have physical copies of photos as if they are on my computer they never actually get looked at).

Anyway, I seem to have gone into a totally different direction than I was planning with this post.  I was going to write all about how I have lost my voice today and just how important my voice is to me, but I realise that by writing this I have proved I clearly am not 'voiceless' and, as always, am so very appreciative of my ability to write - words are my life and will probably always be.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are enjoying Boxing Day - do you have any traditions on this day, or do you just veg out like we do?

Blogging in my Future

Not a day goes past without me thinking about blogging.  I have been blogging now for a few years and I still love it - in fact, I would say I love it more now than I ever have before.

So why haven't I been posting recently?  Because I don't have the words.  Or the pictures. 

Everyday I think about writing here and almost everyday I struggle to find anything I want to say.  Right now in my life I am in a very introspective place.  I am spending time with my crafts and my thoughts and my feelings.  I am allowing silence to fill me so I may know the direction I am going and if it's where I want to be.  I want to share all of this here, but I feel that sharing too soon will cause a rift.  And so I sit alone, behind my screen, in front of a book, with a pen and paper.  I sit and try to be.  I sit and try to find out anything about myself that can help me.

I want to let you know that I am not abandoning my blogging or projects or ideas.  But I am at living in a state that needs to not have every detail and thought shared with the world.  I don't know when I will be ready to share, if ever.  But I do know that blogging will be a part of my future, as much as it is a part of my present.  Basically - I will return!  I know it can be frustrating for bloggers to post erratically, but that is what I need to do right now.  If you find it difficult to cope with knowing that posts may be a bit here, there and everywhere from me for a while, go and find someone you can depend on to follow.  If not, I hope you will enjoy the odd post that makes it to your screen from me.

My Biggest Regret

I don't have a whole lot of regrets in my life.  A few years ago that would have been a totally different statement, but someone came into my life and made me realise that I can't change the past so it's not worth worrying about.  He was right and since then I have let many things go and honestly  I feel the better for it. 

However, lately I have been regretting something quite strongly.  I can't take it back but I still wish I had done it differently.  Months (and months and months) ago, I started dropping hints here about my secret project, the business I was going to start.  As you all know, it is still in the works (I honestly didn't realise how long it would take me to get from idea to selling the idea).

My plans haven't changed (though they have grown) and I am still working very slowly towards my goals.  But I have found that the pressure I created for myself by telling you has actually worked against me.  I feel kind of stupid for telling the world my plans long before they would come to fruition.  I feel that I am letting you down by not having something to show for the past year of my life.  And at times I have wondered if perhaps I am all talk.

But I have decided that, while I can't change the past, I can change the future.  I can stop using my precious energy worrying about what everyone thinks of me and start reminding myself of how capable I am.  I set myself a challenge.  I didn't realise how big of a challenge it was going to be.  But I am determined not to back down - this is something I want and something I believe I can do. 

I have, however, learnt my lesson - so I will no longer be telling you of things to come that aren't ready.  I don't want to feel that I am not keeping my promise to you by not being able to deliver immediately.  You are so important to me and I thank you so much for following my journey here.

Typing

I have heard/read many writers say that even if they couldn’t physically write or type, they would find another way to tell their stories.  This has always made me feel left out as that just isn’t true for me.  In the past I have often questioned if I really was a writer as I don’t have many stories just bursting to come out of me.  Primarily, I am not a storyteller. 

But I am a writer.  I’m now beginning to embrace the fact that being a writer does not mean you can only write novels or short stories or poems.  It means you write.  And to me, typing my 750 words each morning, and writing these posts (and many more that never make it to the blog) makes me a writer.  I love sharing my views and I believe that if I couldn’t type for whatever reason, I would probably end up debating with people face to face so I could still let everyone know my opinions on everything.

I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen though.  Not because I don’t think I could hold my own in a debate (though I am a little rusty as I no longer have the practice with my family and at school), but because I hate the idea of never being able to type again.  There is nothing wrong with writing longhand, and I do enjoy it from time to time (though it can cause me a lot of pain in my hand and arm), but I’ve come to realise that one of my true passions in life is typing.

I love the feel of my fingers moving quickly over the keyboard, knowing that the endless clicking is creating sense on the screen (most of the time, anyway).  I love the feel of the keys under my fingertips.  And I love the sense of calm typing gives me.  I am so glad that I am lucky enough to be able to indulge in this passion every morning of every day (well, almost).  I would go as far to say that the reason the morning pages work for me is because of the sense of power and contentment I get from tapping at a keyboard for ten to fifteen minutes without actually having to think about anything.  I have tried doing my morning pages on paper but it just didn’t have the same effect for me.

Is there anything you do every day or very often that you haven’t realised just how much you enjoy?  Something totally random and mundane (I also love washing up as I find it relaxing when my M.E. doesn’t cause me pain from doing it) and beautiful – please share in the comments (or feel free to gush in an entire post about your love, as I have done here).

The Truth

I know I was supposed to be 'back' this week.  I had planned to post about what I did last week along with my usual posts.  The truth is I haven't wanted to.  So far this week I've written a blog post - it's ready and sitting on my laptop - but I'm not ready to share it with the world yet.  I have found that with a lot of things I've been writing lately.  Some of it I've shared anyway.  Other pieces, or partly-formed pieces, are also sitting on my laptop without a home.  I am planning to rectify that.  Or at least I was.

Then yesterday depression hit me.  I can't explain what happened (mostly because I'm really not sure myself).  I just know that one moment I was crying and then I couldn't stop crying.  This is not the first time this has happened.  And I doubt it will be the last.  It's a part of me that I haven't ever shared here before.  But now I know I need to share it.  Sharing is a step towards helping me truly face up to it.  Sure, I've known I've had depressive bouts many times in my life, but I've either ignored them or just let them run their course. This time I know that I no longer want to be depressed.

Every moment becomes a challenge.  Feeding myself, even checking my email becomes a mountain.  One that I have continued to climb every single day.  I know the reason why I fight on.  It's because I know there are people who love me, who want to see me achieve my potential.  But it's becoming harder and harder to deal with as I begin to question everything I do - am I really just doing it for other people?  And if I am, shouldn't I stop?  But if I stop then I will just be a large mound of nothingness.  And so the questions and insults circle round and round in my mind.

Today I stumbled across a blog post that describes depression so much better than I ever could.  It helped me to understand that I am not alone in this fight.  And that is another reason why I'm sharing it.  I could wait and make this a story about success, but I'm hoping that in sharing it, you will become part of that success.  Because now I believe that I can get better (btw, I am not at the end of my 'adventure in depression').  And I want you to know that I will be here struggling on, day by day.  I just can't promise that I will be writing here every day - or even the three times a week I've been keeping to lately.  I am making the promise to continue writing though, and although some of that writing may never see the light of day, it is enough for now, that I will be writing.

So what does all this rambling about me mean for you?  That when you come here you might not be subjected to the thought-out mini-essays I have been delivering; that I will be sharing snippets of my soul when I can.  And for those of you in similar places (emotionally that is), the knowledge that you are not alone in this fight.  Life will get better (at least I have to believe it will).  It also means that, while I will be trying to continue with my plans for the new website and creative business, I probably won't be holding myself accountable here (because honestly I can't deal with the stress that is causing me).

So to sum up this excessively long post, I want you to know that I'm okay.  I'm not good and to be honest even 'okay' is a little higher up than how I am right now.  But I have people around me who love me.  And if you ever wanted to know how it feels to live with depression I strongly recommend you check out that blog post.