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Friday, 18 November 2011

One Thing At a Time

Since my last post I haven't really known what to write here.  What I do know is that the longer I go without posting, the less I want to - so I'm deciding to post now before I reach a time where I feel completely unable to.

Yesterday was a good day.  I was productive and I felt positive in general.  Unfortunately the feeling hasn't followed through to today although I was just as productive.

I am, however, feeling less overwhelmed with life.  For the first time in a long time I have started feeling every now and again that I am capable of getting through this, that the world isn't going to end around me.  This is a huge step for me as it is allowing me to focus on just one thing at a time rather than feeling the weight of everything that needs to get done.  I am choosing to simply focus on getting through each day and organising my Christmas list (I feel so far behind in this but at least I am moving forward now).  Everything else has been put on hold - I still have those plans and ideas but I am ignoring them for now as if I think about them everything engulfs me until I cannot find myself.

I hope you've had a good week.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Truth

I know I was supposed to be 'back' this week.  I had planned to post about what I did last week along with my usual posts.  The truth is I haven't wanted to.  So far this week I've written a blog post - it's ready and sitting on my laptop - but I'm not ready to share it with the world yet.  I have found that with a lot of things I've been writing lately.  Some of it I've shared anyway.  Other pieces, or partly-formed pieces, are also sitting on my laptop without a home.  I am planning to rectify that.  Or at least I was.

Then yesterday depression hit me.  I can't explain what happened (mostly because I'm really not sure myself).  I just know that one moment I was crying and then I couldn't stop crying.  This is not the first time this has happened.  And I doubt it will be the last.  It's a part of me that I haven't ever shared here before.  But now I know I need to share it.  Sharing is a step towards helping me truly face up to it.  Sure, I've known I've had depressive bouts many times in my life, but I've either ignored them or just let them run their course. This time I know that I no longer want to be depressed.

Every moment becomes a challenge.  Feeding myself, even checking my email becomes a mountain.  One that I have continued to climb every single day.  I know the reason why I fight on.  It's because I know there are people who love me, who want to see me achieve my potential.  But it's becoming harder and harder to deal with as I begin to question everything I do - am I really just doing it for other people?  And if I am, shouldn't I stop?  But if I stop then I will just be a large mound of nothingness.  And so the questions and insults circle round and round in my mind.

Today I stumbled across a blog post that describes depression so much better than I ever could.  It helped me to understand that I am not alone in this fight.  And that is another reason why I'm sharing it.  I could wait and make this a story about success, but I'm hoping that in sharing it, you will become part of that success.  Because now I believe that I can get better (btw, I am not at the end of my 'adventure in depression').  And I want you to know that I will be here struggling on, day by day.  I just can't promise that I will be writing here every day - or even the three times a week I've been keeping to lately.  I am making the promise to continue writing though, and although some of that writing may never see the light of day, it is enough for now, that I will be writing.

So what does all this rambling about me mean for you?  That when you come here you might not be subjected to the thought-out mini-essays I have been delivering; that I will be sharing snippets of my soul when I can.  And for those of you in similar places (emotionally that is), the knowledge that you are not alone in this fight.  Life will get better (at least I have to believe it will).  It also means that, while I will be trying to continue with my plans for the new website and creative business, I probably won't be holding myself accountable here (because honestly I can't deal with the stress that is causing me).

So to sum up this excessively long post, I want you to know that I'm okay.  I'm not good and to be honest even 'okay' is a little higher up than how I am right now.  But I have people around me who love me.  And if you ever wanted to know how it feels to live with depression I strongly recommend you check out that blog post.

Monday, 7 November 2011

I'm Back

Hello all, as you can see, I am back from my 'vacation'.  Originally I was going to let you know what I did last week, but I feel now that that will have to wait for later.

Because I'm feeling a little confused and more than a little unfocused.  Taking a week off was supposed to help me relax and, while I did relax, I also believe I overdid it a little.  So today, I know that I have plenty to get on with, in fact, I have so much that needs doing that I have no idea where to even start.  My mind is flitting from project to project, barely giving me time to register them all.  And yet I have very few ideas when it comes to blogging and writing.  I had hoped this break would replenish and relax me.  Unfortunately it seems not to have worked.  Now I am restless, exhausted, unfocused and there is even a hint of panic which I'm doing my best to suppress.

However, I still plan to take things slowly.  I don't want to suddenly dump everything on me (even if my brain refuses to believe this) as I know I just won't cope.  So I'm going to try focusing on one thing at a time.  Right now I am focusing on this blog post, and then, I don't know what I'll focus on - but I'm determined to choose just one thing and give it my attention.  I know that flitting through everything won't help.  So I'm taking a deep breath and continuing on, taking tasks one at a time, because even though I am feeling unfocused and lost, I know that I have to keep going as giving up is not an option.