Words and Thoughts on Words and Thoughts

Lately I have started quite a few blog posts but they’ve only been half-thought out. So I come back to work on them, and instead of becoming clearer in my mind, they simply grow and morph into so many different points and thoughts and ideas I have no idea what I originally started out to say, let alone how to go about breaking these ever-growing well-written mind-dumps (I honestly can’t think of a better word to describe these pieces of writing) into individual blog posts. I have an idea yet somehow it gets lost in the next one and the next one, leading me to become confused. And if the writer is confused I have no doubt that unleashing these semi-formed monsters onto the interwebs would possibly detract from everything else out there, let alone actually add to it.

As a blogger I know I want to create meaningful pieces, and thoughtful pieces, and the occasional random observation to share as posts. But as a writer (and being me) I want to explore ideas and concepts and words. So far there shouldn’t be a problem, but once I get started on the exploring my hands run away with it (via typing, as opposed to my fingers running akin to the hand in Addam’s Family) and anything meaningful or thoughtful or observational gets lost in the pathway to wherever I might be heading – it doesn’t help that I haven’t got there yet so can’t even backtrack,  but I have a feeling that if I were to wait, I wouldn’t get there til my last breath which is leaving it a little late to start working out what the heck is/has/will/was go through my mind.

If I continue typing there is a very high chance this will end up just like the other posts I’ve started in the past few weeks, meaning I’ll never get to share it as I’ll be too busy getting lost under the deluge of words. So, just this once, I’m taking a breath and posting without reconsidering or pondering or generally continuing it into infinity, just so you know I haven’t forgotten you, my lovely readers, I’m simply trying to divide the masses of material I’ve suddenly acquired into something remotely understandable.  (If you have any tips on how to do this, I’d love to read them in the comments.)

Facebook and the Past and Future

Lately I have started spending more time on Facebook,.  While I've been on Facebook for years, I only really used it for games and photo sharing and organising events.  Somehow over the past couple of months, I've begun using it to be a part of discussions - both in groups and on status's. This has led to me updating my status occasionally and sharing my views, and honestly I think that's why I haven't been blogging as much - it's not that I can't think of anything to say, but that I have already said it in a condensed version somewhere else.  But I love blogging, so don't worry, I will likely always find my way back here.

On Facebook at the moment, many people seem to be using something called 'Time Hop' which is an app that shows you what you've posted to your Facebook wall on the same date in previous years, and then reposts it for you.  This might just be my friends, but I doubt it.  However, I refuse to use it, simply because I don't want to live in the past; I am much more excited about the present and the future.  If we all just post what we've posted before, what new content will there be, both now and if you continue using 'Time Hop'?

There is nothing wrong with looking back and remembering and learning from the past.  But if that's all we focus on, we cannot move forward as individuals or as a society.  I don't know about you, but discovery is one of those things that energizes me. I love watching documentaries, not because I want to follow the past, but because I need the new (to me) information. I need to keep learning and exploring, and I cannot do that if I only look back.  I also happen to think that we live in an amazing (if slightly terrifying) fast-paced world where change is happening quicker than ever. I might not be the first to try out new phones or ipods, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to seeing where we're going.

So this post did sway a little from my topic in the last paragraph, but that is what I love about writing and blogging - I can start in one place and it will lead me to a choice of many paths of ideas.

Do you use Time Hop? Either way, let me know what you think of the constant deluge of the past we seem to keep posting on  places like Facebook.

Stepping Through the Past

It feels like forever since I last posted (though in reality it's only a couple of weeks). For the past week especially I have been trying to figure out what to write about, what to say. And the longer I didn't post, the harder it was to think of something worthy of breaking the (unintentional) silence. It feels as though I should update you on what has been happening in my life, and at the same time make sure to impart something meaningful and insightful - all while not boring you.

Then I realised that it shouldn't matter what I write, as long as I write something. So that's what this post is, something. It's not deep or explanatory, or remotely interesting, but at least it's better than not posting anything.  So this is the post that will hopefully let me take another step forward with this blog, as I refuse to let it die after so many hours (more like days and weeks) I have put into this space.

Needless to say I don't know where I'm going. I know I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again. That's just what life is though, not always knowing or even having a plan, but trusting in ourselves to take a step now and then in the direction that will become our past.

This post ended somewhere I wasn't expecting, but these words feel right for where I am at right now. I need to believe it doesn't matter that I don't know what's in store for me. Rather, I am excited to find out where my path will lead.

And with that note, I think it's time to stop worrying so much about what I do and don't write about, and just post this as another step in my past.

Long Days and Changes

I stayed with my parents over Christmas and New Year, and since I've got back, the days suddenly seem extremely long.

When I was with my family I spent most of my time chatting or watching things, or going out (thanks Kaz for pushing me all those times in my wheelchair), and of course rested when I was near collapse. Now it is back to just me, alone in my flat.

I realise that probably sounds a lot more drear than it is. It's just that I can't work out why I now seem to have a lot more hours than I did before visiting my family.  I am resting just as much, more actually; but the rest of the time I am (mostly) more focused on achieving what I can between rests.  Even over the weekend where I pretty much slept the whole time to recover from my 'holiday', the days seemed so long.

On the one hand this is kind of nice as I have a lot more time to play with (I know I don't really, but that's how it feels), and therefore I've been doing a little more. Of course the consequences to doing more, is that I'm in a lot more pain than I'm happy with.  I guess it'll take me a little while to rebalance myself.

However, I am trying to be more aware of my time. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result (or something along those lines). While I'm not claiming in any way to be sane, I do want to instigate small changes into my life. Now my health is starting to improve I want to make sure that continues, but I also want to make myself ready for when I find I am able to join the rest of the world (getting a job, learning to drive, etc). I don't think it will happen this year (and that's not me being pessimistic for those of you into positive thinking), but I do feel this year is going to be a major stepping stone to my future (okay, technically every moment is a stepping stone to the future, but you know what I mean).

I plan to do a few posts on the changes I'm making, but other than that I honestly don't know what else will find its way onto this blog, so I guess we'll find out together.

Blogging Clarity

You may have noticed that the background to my blog has once again changed. To be honest this isn’t the background I want, but it will do until I find something I fall in love with and actually find a way to put it on the blog (since Blogger changed its format it’s become a lot harder to edit the look of the blog in my opinion). 

While I didn’t have the internet, I found myself not only coming up with ideas, but a sense of clarity, particularly in regards to this blog.  I have had this blog for over 4 years now and it has gone through many transformations but I have always had it in the back of my mind that I needed it to be professional; I’d like to say that I didn’t care how many readers I had or how I appeared to others but that simply isn’t the truth.  Of course I always stayed true to myself as I always strive to be as honest as possible, but I’ve always remembered that anyone in the future might read this blog and judge me on it.

I no longer believe that this space is for that purpose anymore.  This is my private little space on the internet and I don’t want to have to censor myself (even subconsciously), or worry about how often I’m posting.  I don’t need this blog to have posts I have written in advance and edited. 

And so, once again this blog is going through another change.  I am going to do my best to forget that anyone is reading (though of course I’ll still love receiving comments and visiting other blogs). I am going to post when I feel like posting, whether that be once in a week or three times in one day.  I am going to be even more open, but only if that’s what I want to write about.  So that is why I am changing the background. I am reclaiming this space and making it just for me.

For now I am going to continue posting ‘Memories That Have Made Me’ on Fridays (sorry I missed the past few, but they will recommence this week) because it is a series I love writing.  I am also going to be working on some of those many ideas, and you can be sure I will share all about it here when I feel the time is right. 

I hope you’ll want to continue following my journey through life, but I won’t be offended if you don’t.

Commitment and Trust

Today in his One Thing Today podcast, Michael Nobbs talked about trusting ourselves and how that trust can be lost when we commit to things but then are unable to do them due to our limited energy and end up backing out at the last moment.  This struck particularly hard with me as I am aware of the number of times I have said ‘I’m going to do this’ (especially on this blog) and share my plans, only to never have them come to fruition simply because I’m physically unable to actually complete them.  I feel that I have not only lost the trust of my friends, family and readers, but I’ve lost trust in myself.

Over the past year I’ve found this very difficult to cope with as I want to be a reliable person, but often my M.E. prevents this from happening.  Michael suggests that the best way to deal with it is to not commit to anything you aren’t very sure you can finish, and in the way rebuild the trust in yourself.  I have tried this but found that I end up not doing anything because I haven’t committed to doing it and therefore don’t have the motivation to do it (my self-discipline is a work in progress).

For me I feel the solution is somewhere in between but it’s a delicate balance I have yet to find.  At the same time I know I am making progress.  As I said, for a long time I just didn’t commit to anything, but a couple of weeks ago I committed to my ‘Memories That Have Made Me’ Friday posts.  While I feel I did wait longer to introduce them than perhaps I should have, knowing that I am being reliable and posting them every week has had a huge effect on me.  I’m still not ready to share a lot of the plans I have for fear of what will happen to my self-confidence if I fail, but it feels as though I have taken a step in the right direction. 

How do you cope with commitments?  Do you over commit to more than you can manage?  Do you under commit?  Or have you found that magic balance that works for you?  Let me know in the comments.

Where to Now?

I have been thinking a lot about where to go next with this blog.  A few months ago my plan was to retire this space in favour of a fresh start (I even wrote the ‘goodbye’ post).  I know that I would be happy and comfortable with that option; and that’s exactly why I haven’t taken it.  I may be ready to give up this blog, but I believe that this blog still has plenty it can teach me – and so I am continuing to post.

But I also knew that something had to change.  I do ‘enjoy’ writing helpful posts about living with M.E.; but the fact that almost all my posts were along this vein is what was stopping me from posting in the months before blogvent.  I had somehow unintentionally put extra pressure on myself and, while I do hope to go back to writing posts specifically dealing with living with M.E., they won’t be clogging up this blog.  Of course, M.E. is going to be a major part of this blog as has become a major part of my life.  And in that is the answer of what I want from this blog: to write about my life, my thoughts – basically everything to do with me.  I hope to take this blog back to the days when it first started (many ‘mini-essays’ on subjects that had been sparked by my life) but make it even more about me.  I want to include more of my daily life here; perhaps more like a journal than a blog.  And as I said, I will still include M.E. but it will be more about how it is effecting me day to day rather than advice for others.

I know this isn’t what everyone wants to read, and that’s okay.  If you don’t want to listen to me going on and on about my personal life, feel free to find somewhere else to spend your time.  This is what I need to be writing right now, and if anyone wishes to follow along and join in via the comments and Twitter, then I welcome you with open arms.  I cannot know what I will actually be writing, as the whole point is to learn and discover more of myself in the process of writing here, but I am definitely excited to find out where it will lead me.

I still post book reviews on Captivated by Books (I’m aiming to post one every Tuesday from now on).  And, as I mentioned, I do have plans to create a new space dealing specifically with M.E. and Chronic Disability.  As soon as it gets off the ground (keep your fingers crossed for me), I will update here and on Twitter.  But for now I am going to experiment a little in this space, so apologies for the rather random posting that is certain to ensue, until I find where I am going next.

Blogging in my Future

Not a day goes past without me thinking about blogging.  I have been blogging now for a few years and I still love it - in fact, I would say I love it more now than I ever have before.

So why haven't I been posting recently?  Because I don't have the words.  Or the pictures. 

Everyday I think about writing here and almost everyday I struggle to find anything I want to say.  Right now in my life I am in a very introspective place.  I am spending time with my crafts and my thoughts and my feelings.  I am allowing silence to fill me so I may know the direction I am going and if it's where I want to be.  I want to share all of this here, but I feel that sharing too soon will cause a rift.  And so I sit alone, behind my screen, in front of a book, with a pen and paper.  I sit and try to be.  I sit and try to find out anything about myself that can help me.

I want to let you know that I am not abandoning my blogging or projects or ideas.  But I am at living in a state that needs to not have every detail and thought shared with the world.  I don't know when I will be ready to share, if ever.  But I do know that blogging will be a part of my future, as much as it is a part of my present.  Basically - I will return!  I know it can be frustrating for bloggers to post erratically, but that is what I need to do right now.  If you find it difficult to cope with knowing that posts may be a bit here, there and everywhere from me for a while, go and find someone you can depend on to follow.  If not, I hope you will enjoy the odd post that makes it to your screen from me.

Captivated By Books

As you all know, I love to read and so I was very excited when my friend Michelle invited me to be a part of her book blog, Captivated By Books.  I have just posted my first review and from now on will be posting all book reviews there.  I hope you will take a moment to take a peek, leave a comment and possibly subscribe.

Crafting My Way Back To Life

I have missed blogging so much over the past few weeks – believe me, it was completely unintentional to disappear on you for so long.   To begin with I was posting a lot less as I was focusing on moving forward with my ideas and plans.  And then life took a sudden turn and, while not unexpected, it still threw me completely.  Since then I have not felt ready to post (I am still not ready to share all the details with you but the big event was Chris and I breaking up) as I have been struggling just to manage getting through each day.

A fairy door I made for a swap

And then, a couple of days ago, I started to feel more like my old self again.  I spent some time doing some crafts for swaps on swap-bot and remembered just how much I love to create.  They were completely different from anything I’ve ever done before (and included making mail art which I am now in love with) which has made me want to explore my creativity once again.  

Cupcake mail art - front

Cupcake mail art - back

Since then I’ve started reading crafting blogs once again to inspire myself.  I feel ready for a whole new level of creativity now.  Before, I tended to stick to what I knew, I followed step-by-step instructions and I played it safe.  But now I want to explore my creativity, try new things and work on creating my own ideas.  In some areas I am still following step-by-step as I navigate my way through new terrains such as using my sewing machine, just to get myself started with the basics before trying my own thing.

The no-sew doll I made for a swap (tutorial here)

It feels as though I am quite literally crafting my way back to life, as opposed to the existing I have been doing.  The next thing I want to try is altered/decorated matchboxes (if you would like to join me I’ve created a beginner’s swap) as the pictures I have seen of them look truly amazing.

My Biggest Regret

I don't have a whole lot of regrets in my life.  A few years ago that would have been a totally different statement, but someone came into my life and made me realise that I can't change the past so it's not worth worrying about.  He was right and since then I have let many things go and honestly  I feel the better for it. 

However, lately I have been regretting something quite strongly.  I can't take it back but I still wish I had done it differently.  Months (and months and months) ago, I started dropping hints here about my secret project, the business I was going to start.  As you all know, it is still in the works (I honestly didn't realise how long it would take me to get from idea to selling the idea).

My plans haven't changed (though they have grown) and I am still working very slowly towards my goals.  But I have found that the pressure I created for myself by telling you has actually worked against me.  I feel kind of stupid for telling the world my plans long before they would come to fruition.  I feel that I am letting you down by not having something to show for the past year of my life.  And at times I have wondered if perhaps I am all talk.

But I have decided that, while I can't change the past, I can change the future.  I can stop using my precious energy worrying about what everyone thinks of me and start reminding myself of how capable I am.  I set myself a challenge.  I didn't realise how big of a challenge it was going to be.  But I am determined not to back down - this is something I want and something I believe I can do. 

I have, however, learnt my lesson - so I will no longer be telling you of things to come that aren't ready.  I don't want to feel that I am not keeping my promise to you by not being able to deliver immediately.  You are so important to me and I thank you so much for following my journey here.

Winner and an Update

Firstly, congratulations to Shanna for winning the Tangled Tides ebook (I rolled a dice on Random.org to find the winner).  Shanna, please send me an email (anyawillowfan at yahoo dot co dot uk) so I can pass your email onto Rhemelda publishers who will send you a copy of the book.

Secondly, I want to let you all know why I haven't been posting regularly for a few weeks.  Basically, the first few weeks I didn't post I was really ill, I couldn't sleep properly and my M.E. flared up to the point that I could only just watch DVDs of my favourite shows.  I wasn't able to come online as my brain just couldn't understand anything I read.

This past week I have been feeling slightly better.  I am beginning to feel like I was before I got ill (so, still almost housebound, but at least I can do a little each day now if I have plenty of rest).  However, instead of posting here, I have been using that energy to work on my new website.  It is nowhere near ready yet, but I am going to be sending you there later this week regardless as I know you would rather be invited early and see the site evolve as I slowly finish it.

I hope you are as well as possible and had a good weekend.

My Purpose

When I started this blog, I didn’t really have any purpose for it.  I knew I wanted to improve my writing and share my views on the world.  Those things are still important for me but for the past few months I have felt that I really needed to have a clear purpose for my blog posts, so over that time I have been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want from my blog.  This hasn’t been easy for me.  I believe in encompassing my whole self into my writing, but I have a lot of interests and hobbies, making it difficult for me to narrow down my truth.  I don’t mean that I wanted to find out which of these were important (they all are, as they are all a part of me), but I needed to work out how to make them cohesive.  I want only people who connect with my work and who I am, to be drawn to it.  I feel that by sharing information on everything, I am not helping anyone.  And so I needed to sit down and have a serious think.

In the end I found that my purpose is something that I couldn’t even have imagined when this blog was being created.  I want to inspire others by showing what can be achieved.  I want to share thoughts and ideas to make living easier and more enjoyable for those with chronic disabilities or conditions.  And most of all, I want to give my readers hope, and a sense of empowerment through my words.  I want to show that everyone has a purpose in this world, and perhaps even help some of you find it.  As I’ve mentioned many times, this journey is going to be long and winding.  I’m certain it won’t happen overnight.  But now that I know where I want to go, it has made it possible for me to put things in motion.  Writing this post is the first step, to let you know what is coming.  I hope you will join me and be a part of this process, but if, for any reason you feel that this is not what you need right now, then I hope you will use your time to find someone or something that can help you.

Giving You The Value You Deserve

The world (especially the internet) is full to the brim of noise, of people trying to get your attention, trying to tell you something.  I am very aware that every post that goes onto my blog adds to the din and so I want to make sure that I respect your time by not posting fluff and extra noise that doesn’t need to be there (there’s plenty of that as there is).

Last week I didn’t post at all.  This wasn’t because I was feeling lazy or not ‘in the mood’ to write anything, but I didn’t feel that I had anything useful to say.  I value the time you spend here, reading my words, so I want to make sure that I am standing up to my end of the bargain, of giving you value in exchange for your time (and if you don’t think it’s valuable, please go somewhere else and stop wasting your time).  So while I will not be giving up blogging (I love it way too much), I am going to try and only post work that I know needs to be shared and not kept lost on my laptop.  I am also going to start sharing the writing that is in alignment with where I want to go with my blog (more on this later this week).

I want you to know when you arrive, if this blog will enhance your life.  I want to spend more time talking about what matters to me, and post less frivolous, unsure posts.  I know this isn’t going to be a simple journey that is worked out immediately, but I need to start making my words matter.  Therefore, I will continue posting as often as possible, but I am no longer going to muddy the water so to speak, with apologies and insubstantial thoughts.

How do you decide what is important enough to post?  Does it bother you when you keep finding fluff in your favourite places, when you want something of value?  Please share your thoughts in the comments as I love to hear your ideas.