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Thursday, 11 April 2013


For those of you who follow my tweets, you will know that yesterday was not a good day for me.  It started off okayish.  I was more tired than usual (when someone with a chronic disability says they are 'tired' what they actually mean is they are so exhausted they feel their bodies are about to collapse, so when I say I was more tired I mean I was struggling to keep my eyes open and my brain was going at half speed), but managed to get some breakfast and have the carer wash my hair.  As soon as she left I knew I had to lie down and hopefully have a nap.  About an hour later I woke up and discovered that my legs had completely given up on me.  I was lucky in that I wasn’t in much more pain than usual, but it felt like my legs were surrounded by cement so there was no way I was going to be moving them.  Thankfully my arms had just enough strength in them to get me to the loo when I couldn't hold it any longer, but that was a onetime deal.  So I pretty much spent the rest of the day in bed.

After a few hours I was able to sit up enough to go on my laptop for a few minutes (which is when I tweeted).  The rest of the day was pretty much spent repeating the resting for hours before hauling myself up to go online for a short while.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me, though it is the first time in the past couple of months so admittedly took me by surprise.  What surprised me even more was the fact that it didn't cause a major depression slide like it usually does.  There was only one point in the whole day that tears threatened to release, and that was after having to tell my housemate that I couldn't really move at that time - apparently saying it out loud is what I've been doing wrong.  The rest of the day I was impressively content.  I wasn't able to sleep much - there is only so much sleep a body will let you have - so most of the time I just thought.  I relived memory after memory, finding happiness in events that I had forgotten about.  I thought about what I'm going to write in the next couple of days (really need to find my Dictaphone so next time this happens I can record my thoughts as I am sure many of my ideas have been lost as I wasn't able to write them down).  And in general I just lived in my imagination.

The most amazing thing was that I felt completely calm in the belief that I won't stay stuck lying down in bed; but even if that were to happen I felt I would be able to cope.  Normally when I get setbacks like this I just want to scream and shout and curse at anything and everything.  This time was different and I hope that in future I will remember that I can deal with it and stay positive even when optimism seems like a useless endeavour.

So how did you spend yesterday?


Unknown said...

Hi Tamara,

It is so great to read that you managed to stay positive in the face of such an awful day. You're a stronger woman than I am! You inspire me to be stronger though.

Love Katie x

Ps But definitely find that dictaphone!

"As We Speak" said...

Sorry that yesterday was such a bad day , but you seem to have come through it with a brand new attitude...a huge triumph!!


Unknown said...

Thank you so much for your supportive comments, I really do appreciate them.

Katie, I promise I am no stronger than anyone else, but I'm glad you found this post inspirational.