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Wednesday, 2 March 2011


I can't believe it's March.  That means there are now days til my birthday.  And, much more scary, only six weeks until my final hand-in date.  I have six weeks left of university!

This knowledge is making me flip emotions all over the place.  I am excited.  I am terrified.  I feel lost.  I feel safe.  I am confident.  I am angry.  I am overwhelmed.  Mostly that last one.

Once again the feeling of being on the edge of something great has returned.  And I guess, this time I really am right on the edge.  In six weeks I will be able to do whatever I want.  But at the same time I am very aware that that last statement isn't true.  It should be but due to that little problem I have (M.E. feel free to go away any time now) I know it isn't.  Because I can't do whatever I want.  I can't work full-time.  I can't get a job in London.  I can't lose sleep while trying to write (okay, so I could do this but not if I want to be able to leave my bed anytime in the future).  I can't dance like I used to. 

I am aware of all the dreams I have lost.  That I have been forced to give up.

But then I remember that despite this, I am happy.  Well, I am most of the time.  I am in love.  I have dreams (even if I've had to compromise on some of them).  And I have hope.  Hope that I can survive in this world.  Hope that I am stronger than I ever imagined.  Hope that I'm not alone.

Okay, so this post has ended up in a completely different place to where it started.  But I am going to leave it as it is as it's the perfect snapshot - of a moment in time - of my life.  I am here, there and everywhere.  And hey, did you notice my new look for the blog?  It just felt like it needed a change.  SWhat do you think?


Kess said...

I remember that feeling all too well, and I can't believe nearly a whole year has gone by since I finished my degree.

I wish you all the very best with everything - your last few weeks and beyond. I hope you achieve some of your dreams, if not all of them, and that everything works out as you hope. You know I'll be rooting for you all the way.

I can't say whether I like your blog's new look or not because it won't load! Lol

Kess said...

It loaded this time! I think it looks great! :-) Very tasteful!

Unknown said...

Thanks hun, I'm sure I'll find my way and you will be able to follow me on my journey through this blog :) but it helps to know I'm not the only one who has felt like this.