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Wednesday, 4 May 2011

A Difficult Post to Write

This is a hard post to write.  I'm not really sure how I should say what I want to say.  I don't know where to start.  I don't even know if I want to say what I'm going to say, but I want to be honest.  I want you to know why I haven't blogged so far this week.

The thing is, I haven't exactly been feeling myself for the past few days.  By that I mean the person you see here - the hopeful, inspired person behind the words.  Instead, I have been feeling empty and worthless.  I know you are probably thinking that I'm not and I really do appreciate that, but it can't change how I feel at the moment.  Those of you who know me (and by that I mean, those who know me very well) know that I have had depression, on and off, for a very long time - ever since I got M.E. (or there about, I'm still not sure which one came first). The truth is I denied it for a very long time.  And then I went to university.  Everything changed.

I didn't stop getting depressed but my bouts of disillusion were shorter and I was able to deal with them.  A lot has happened in the past few years that has kept me in a relatively healthy state of mind.  But now I feel stressed and hopeless and stretched thinner than ever.  And this has led to some very bad feelings about myself the past few days.  And I didn't want to tell you.

I didn't want to impress on you how bad I'm feeling right now (yes, I know that's exactly what I'm doing now) as I didn't want my problems to become your problems.  But neither could I find it within me to write any upbeat posts - all my thoughts were gloom and despair - so I didn't write.  Now, I still don't want you to feel for me but I realised that I made a pact with myself to always tell the truth in my words, especially in this space.  So I am telling you, not for your sympathy (because honestly it won't help) but because you deserve to know why my posts may be a bit sporadic for a while (though I will try my hardest to post as often as I can without making this a place you want to shy away from).  It also feels good to tell the world.  Accepting it is the first stage for recovery, I know this, and this is me accepting how I'm feeling right now.  And hoping it will lead...I don't know where, maybe somewhere over the rainbow?

Because I can't bear leaving you on such a low note, here are some pics of the biscuits I baked over the weekend:

You have no idea how fiddly these rings were to cut out and move onto the baking sheet!

Added butter icing and then jam to get:

Homemade jammie dodgers (way tastier than shop bought ones).


dominique said...

First of all, those cookies look so yummy. Way to go!

Second, I'm sorry you are struggling. This illness brings so much in the way of challenges and difficulties.

I know that my words can't make you feel better or less depressed.

All I can say is that I understand and that I'm glad you shared.

I hope you get through this bout of depression soon.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

And sendng you lots of hugs

February Grace said...

I know where you're coming from- it's the nature of living with depression and chronic illness- there are those of us who will get what you're saying (trying not to sound 'sympathetic' because I know what you mean there...) I'm glad you are able to express your struggles here and hope that soon there will be days that feel better than the ones you're facing right now.

Thinking of you.


Deb said...


I hope peace will soon reach you.

Kess said...

I take my hat off to you for your honesty, Bethany. I can't imagine what living with ME must be like, especially as you were diagnosed at such a crucial point in life. That diagnosis must have been completely life-changing and very difficult to come to terms with. I know you are a very brave young lady, and I really admire you x

P.S. The biscuits look lush!

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to get back to blogging normally again soon. x