Chocolate Pots!

Sometimes I need to take a break from the monotony of my life.  So the other day I did just that...and made chocolate pots with the bf.

(I was behind the camera - and besides, lifting hot, heavy things is not really my duristiction.)

This is what they looked like before going into the oven (I forgot to take a picture of them finished).

They came out a sort of dark chocolatey mousse.  And they were very very very chocolatey to the point that  I couldn't quite finish mine (those of you who know me know that is VERY chocolatey) and completely quelled our need for chocolate for almost a whole 24 hours! 

My New Reward System

In our society we are always aiming higher, aiming for the prize.  Most of the time we don't know what 'the prize' is, and when we do we rarely want it - but we want it anyway.  Being told something is a reward makes us strive for it and suddenly we find we want that football that they offer us if we win something in school; that voucher we will receive if we spend over a certain amount of money on things we had no plan on buying. You get my drift, basically it seems that we are wired to want, want, want (or at least society has conditioned us to want, want, want).

In the past I've tried using this theory to motivate myself to write.  Because, even when I want to write, actually sitting down and typing seems such a chore.  So I'd promise myself I could have some chocolate if I wrote over a certain number of words.  And the words would sometimes come and sometimes I felt that the chocolate wasn't worth the pain of sitting at my laptop striving for the right words.

Yesterday I had a theory.  Instead of rewarding myself for writing, why not turn the writing itself into the reward?  This really isn't as complicated as it sounds.  Find a game that you enjoy, preferably one that is timed as this will stop you from spending all your time playing and not writing.  I used Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook - I can only play for one minute and then I get my score.  Every time I scored over 100,000 (if you don't play, trust me, it's not hard to get this score) I rewarded myself by writing a few more paragraphs of my WIP.  Make sure you set a target that you know you will probably pass a majority of the time as, once again, you actually do want to do the writing.

The benefits of this system surprised me.  By having to play a game each time I got stuck, I found that I was itching to get back to my writing most of the time - it became something I wanted to do, not something I had to do.  And even when I didn't really want to write, I found that I went back to my WIP each time I scored high enough anyway.  Because I had promised myself I would have this reward of writing and come hell and fire, I was going to take it.  It is what I was saying at the beginning - we are wired that if something is offered as a reward, we suddenly want it.

I hope this helps motivate you to write (or whatever else you need to motivate yourself to do).  Do you have any tips and tricks to share to get you writing?

I'm Cookie Dough

Fans of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer will probably recognize this phrase: "I'm cookie dough." from series 7.  Basically Buffy is explaining to Angel why she can't be with him (at the current time) because: "I'm cookie dough.  I'm not done baking, I'm not finished becoming whoever it is I'm going to turn out to be."

This is how I'm feeling at the moment.  I feel like I'm slowly cooking, perhaps still in the mixing stage even. I find that there are more ingredients being added to me all the time.  I am finding new things I love, thinking new thoughts.  But everything that has come before it is also included in the mix of ingredients that is me.

I don't know if I'll ever be done baking - I doubt it.  But I am enjoying who I am now and enjoying finding ingredients to add.  There is nothing better than discovering that perhaps I do enjoy reading an author I never would have approached (Anthony Horowitz if you're interested), or trying a new genre of writing and finding that I don't completely suck at it.

So I am cookie dough.  But I'm focusing on enjoying the process of being made rather than the end product.  After all, I don't bake to eat the cake (though it is usually delicious), but because I like baking.

A Commenting Problem

I have been having a problem with blogger recently.  I love reading blogs and sometimes I do even want to comment on them.  But lately I just...can't.  It's not that I don't want to comment.  It's that blogger doesn't want me to comment.

To begin with I thought it was a glitch, but that was two months ago.  And now I can sometimes comment.  But usually if I actually want to join in the conversation it appears I'm not allowed. 

Is anyone else having this problem?  Any ideas on how to fix it as I know how precious your comments are to me, and I dont like not commenting due to technology being a pain the arse.

Losing the Self

This is a continuation of yesterday's post about playing at life.  Last night I was thinking about it and realised that it's more than just acting out my life.  I am acting out different parts: the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, the ill girl, the friend, the sister, the stranger, the crafter, the writer.  The list goes on.  And I think I've figured out my problem.

I don't know where the roles I play stop being roles and start being who I am, and vice versa.  I don't know who I am as a whole person.  I feel too fragmented, too split to be one person.  And that is why my life feels like a game sometimes. I am simply taking on a persona, someone who isn't me, but could be.  I no longer know whether I am acting a part or just being me.  I used to think that being many things was fine, that it was making me into a more rounded person (whatever that means).  Now I don't know.  I feel like I have lost who I am in the attempt to be many things.

What are your opinions on this?  Have you felt this way?  Do you have any ideas how I can find the 'real me' again?

Playing

Sometimes I feel as though I am playing at life.  I get up, I eat, I go online, I tidy, I shower, I write, I eat, I sleep.  And everyday I repeat.  Is it me or does life feel like a giant game.  We don't have a choice to play - we just do.  But every choice effects everything else in the game.  But, of course, it is just a game so has no point to it.

I'm sure that sounded more depressing than it was meant to.  I don't mean to say I feel there is no point to my life.  But I do often feel like I'm just acting out my life rather than living it.  And it's hard to think the little things matter when I can see the whole gameboard.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Or am I alone in my thinking?

A Word On Perfection

The world we live in is one which strives for perfection (usually by telling us that we're not perfect aka not good enough).  We are supposed to look like super-models; we are supposed to make enough money to have everything but at the same time spend lots of time with family and loved ones; we are supposed to be the best we can be 100% of the time.  But, unless you're some kind of miracle, you are not perfect.  I am not perfect.  NO ONE is perfect.

I am writing this because a post by Laura Jane Williams made me stop and realise that by striving for perfection, we are screwing ourselves up.  We aren't getting anything done because we are worried that we can't get everything done perfectly.  If we were all perfect, we'd all be clones.  And what a boring world that would be.

So I am going to be the first (okay, probably not the first) to say that I don't want to be perfect. I want to be me - individual and strange and weird with my own little quirks.  And I hope you want to be you.  Because you're wonderful and different and special.  You are a perfect you.  And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.