Not Drowning

I stood on the cliff edge, knowing that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t go back.  The only way was forward, off the cliff.  I hesitated, scared of what lay ahead and wishing I could return to the comfort and safety of the past.  Eventually I decided to leap figuring that I couldn’t fly if I didn’t.  I opened my eyes and jumped.  I didn’t fly; I didn’t soar.  I plummeted down into the murky water.  At least I didn’t hit the rocks, though I can feel the sting from where they scratched and cut me.

I cannot see a way out of the water.  Instead of flying, I am desperately paddling, trying to keep my head above water.  I am exhausted and want to give up, but giving up means drowning.  Every now and again I feel the plants beneath me, curling themselves round my legs to pull me under.  So far I have been able to kick them off, but I fear that I can’t keep them at bay forever.

I do not know how much longer I can keep myself afloat.  Each day is a struggle simply for survival and I can feel the water deepening beneath me.  There are only three options.  I can drown.  I can keep paddling until I am saved or run out of energy.  Or I can try and find a direction to swim in, but if I don’t reach land or a boat, I will drown quicker this way.  I know I should swim – that’s what everyone tells you to do.  And I want to swim.  But I don’t know how to navigate the waters, and I don’t want to waste my energy on going deeper out to sea. 

Yes, I am scared.  I believed I could fly but with every moment that hope is being corroded.  I am not worried about flying anymore, but I want more than to just survive.  And that is what I fear I’ll never manage as everything I am is being poured into not drowning.  And so I paddle, take a few strokes and paddle some more.  I do not know how much longer I can keep this up, but I will not drown without a fight.

Where to Now?

I have been thinking a lot about where to go next with this blog.  A few months ago my plan was to retire this space in favour of a fresh start (I even wrote the ‘goodbye’ post).  I know that I would be happy and comfortable with that option; and that’s exactly why I haven’t taken it.  I may be ready to give up this blog, but I believe that this blog still has plenty it can teach me – and so I am continuing to post.

But I also knew that something had to change.  I do ‘enjoy’ writing helpful posts about living with M.E.; but the fact that almost all my posts were along this vein is what was stopping me from posting in the months before blogvent.  I had somehow unintentionally put extra pressure on myself and, while I do hope to go back to writing posts specifically dealing with living with M.E., they won’t be clogging up this blog.  Of course, M.E. is going to be a major part of this blog as has become a major part of my life.  And in that is the answer of what I want from this blog: to write about my life, my thoughts – basically everything to do with me.  I hope to take this blog back to the days when it first started (many ‘mini-essays’ on subjects that had been sparked by my life) but make it even more about me.  I want to include more of my daily life here; perhaps more like a journal than a blog.  And as I said, I will still include M.E. but it will be more about how it is effecting me day to day rather than advice for others.

I know this isn’t what everyone wants to read, and that’s okay.  If you don’t want to listen to me going on and on about my personal life, feel free to find somewhere else to spend your time.  This is what I need to be writing right now, and if anyone wishes to follow along and join in via the comments and Twitter, then I welcome you with open arms.  I cannot know what I will actually be writing, as the whole point is to learn and discover more of myself in the process of writing here, but I am definitely excited to find out where it will lead me.

I still post book reviews on Captivated by Books (I’m aiming to post one every Tuesday from now on).  And, as I mentioned, I do have plans to create a new space dealing specifically with M.E. and Chronic Disability.  As soon as it gets off the ground (keep your fingers crossed for me), I will update here and on Twitter.  But for now I am going to experiment a little in this space, so apologies for the rather random posting that is certain to ensue, until I find where I am going next.

Review: Falling Through the World by Rachel Clarke

Title: Falling Through the World

Author: Rachel Clarke

Genre: Fictional/Disability (M.E.)

Author Website

Book Goodreads Page

Overall Rating: 4/5





Falling Through the World is a fictional story of a teenage girl’s plummet into M.E.  While this book is fictional, it is greatly influenced by the author’s own experience of living with M.E.  Personally I feel that this is a book for friends, family and carers of those with M.E. as it gives a clear picture of what it is like to be struck down for no apparent reason, and then have to continue trying to live any kind of life.  As someone with M.E., I found certain parts (particularly towards the beginning) of the novel physically difficult and distressing to read as it brought up some of my own memories; therefore I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone suffering from a Chronic Disability (other than if they wish to read it to advise friends and family of how their own experiences relate to it) as I feel that it could cause unnecessary pain and depression.

As a reader I felt that the prologue was unnecessary as it didn’t add anything to the story, and in fact made me less interested in reading on.  Instead, I believe it would have benefited from an introduction forewarning readers that not only is the case of Sarah (the main character) extremely severe, but that everyone reacts differently, with different symptoms (not all of which are mentioned in the book), to M.E. and I would strongly suggest that any friends or family of sufferers are advised of this. 

There are not many fictional stories about M.E. and this book highlights one of the reasons why not – it is impossible to create an enticing plot about becoming ill, possibly with little hope of recovering.  Any story of this kind is going to be completely character-driven and unfortunately I felt that this is where the book fell flat.  Sarah is an average teenager, who has an average life, with an average family and average friends.  The problem is that she is a generalization of a ‘typical teenager’ and therefore it is difficult to have any feelings towards or about her.  I think this story would definitely have benefited from a little bit more of an introduction, showing what Sarah is actually like – what her hopes and dreams are, what she thinks about  - as this would give the reader some attachment to her and therefore would become more involved in the emotions of what happens to her.

This was true of all the characters, and even to some extent the symptoms of M.E.  As there is no ‘average’ set of symptoms I found this a bit frustrating as I know I will have to explain this to each person I advise to read it; it is something that should have been included in the introduction.  However, I do believe that the emotions that Sarah feels such as loneliness, anger, frustration and guilt, are likely to have been felt at some point with anyone with a chronic disability.

For those of us who need to know these emotions are normal, and for those wishing to understand how M.E. or any chronic disability effects the sufferer emotionally, I would definitely point towards this book.

Overall I felt that, while this isn’t the best-told story, it is a great start towards showing what living with M.E. is like, for those who cannot understand it.  As I’ve mentioned, there are very few novels or stories about M.E., but reading books like this one gives me hope that there will be more on the way.

[I received a free copy of this book with no obligations. I chose to review it here as I felt it would be of use and interest to my readers.  All opinions are my own.]

Other fictional books about M.E. that I recommend:

Verity Red's Diary: A Story of Surviving M. E by Maria Mann 

–Goodreads page

The State of Me by Nasim Marie Jafry 

– my review; Goodreadspage; author website

Make My Birthday Wish Come True

My 24th Birthday Celebrations (last year)

I am a big believer in birthdays.  I love the presents and the parties and the general fuss made.  When I was younger our special day was always celebrated with gifts and the chance to decide what was for dinner.  And then for the rest of the week everyone would make an extra effort to be nice to you because it was your birthday week after all.  I remember having a few parties (though to be fair I don’t actually remember any that happened before my 18^th – not to say that they didn’t exist).  My favourite by far was my 18^th birthday party where we rented out a hall and all of my friends and I played children’s party games – pass the parcel; musical chairs; flour cake + apple bobbing – and sat down to have pizza followed by cake and ice cream (unfortunately that was before I had a digital camera so the pics are in storage at my parents).

My favourite part of being the birthday girl has always been the presents (I am a very material girl).  I love opening gifts and knowing that someone has taken the time to choose something for me (or at least looked at my Amazon wishlist!). 

You’re probably wondering why I’m talking about birthdays when mine isn’t for another month yet. This year I am doing something different.  Something that scares me, but I know it will be worth it.  I am still having a party but this year I am asking that instead of presents, I want donations towards AYME (Association of Young People).  AYME has literally changed my life.  It let me know that I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling with my M.E.  I know that there’s somewhere I can turn to if I desperately need help.  And I have met others living near me with M.E. (as well as being reunited with a childhood friend – hello Georgina).  I used to love receiving the bi-monthly magazine written by members, for members.  A few years ago it changed to quarterly.  And now it has been relegated to online only as there simply aren’t the funds. Other important services such as the online forum community and phone lines are in danger and that’s why I’ve chosen to do this.

It is my 25^th birthday so I only have one year of membership left (it is for people under 26), but I don’t want to leave knowing that I could have done more to help them.  They have made my life so much better, especially over the past few years, and I would hate for future young people to miss out on what AYME can offer.  So I am going for a bit of an ambitious amount I want to raise (hey, if you don’t reach for the stars, you won’t reach them).  I want to donate £250 for my birthday but this simply isn’t going to happen without your help.  If you can help I have set up a Just Giving page so you can donate safely and securely. 

Please consider making my birthday wish come true this year and donate as much or as little as you can (to quote Tesco ‘every little helps’) and spread the word.  I will be so grateful for every penny you can spare and you know you want to make me happy – after all, it’s for my birthday!

I Am A Woman

The other day I woke up and realised that I am a woman.  This may sound like a stupid statement – after all, I have been classified as a woman since I was 18 (I think).  But the truth is that I’ve always felt like a girl more than a woman.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t responsible or ‘grown-up’; I just referred to myself as a girl and felt that that encompassed part of who I was.  Now it’s changing.

The weirdest part is it hasn’t brought any fear or worry or disappointment with it.  I know I wasn’t alone when I knew I was an adult but didn’t feel like I really was; I have had many, many discussions with friends about it.  If you don’t believe me you only have to watch shows like ‘Friends’ and ‘How I Met Your Mother’ to see that – the characters feel like they’re playing at being ‘grown-up’ and that is why people respond to them in my opinion.  Being ‘grown-up’ is always portrayed as kind of scary and something to be avoided (thinking about it now only two instances of a character being happy with this change come to mind – Wendy from Peter Pan, and Buffy in series 7), and so, like I imagined everyone else was, I avoided the idea that I was anything but a girl. 

Now I realise that I was a girl but now I’m a woman (though I’m sure I will have ‘girl’ moments for the rest of my life).  Knowing this has caused a shift in my perception of myself and of the world.  I’m still unsure what this shift is exactly as it’s only just begun to sprout, but I am looking forward to the journey of discovery (I believe that life in general is a journey and that we are never done changing, learning or discovering – one reason why I love blogging).  I’m not scared with this knowledge; in fact, it has brought a kind of freedom in me, and no matter how much I change, I will always be me. 

I guess that’s all I have to say on that right now.  Do you feel like an adult? Or are you still wondering when/if you’ll ever be ‘grown-up’?  I do not ask to judge or change you, I’m just curious and I am sure that you have a response.

Oh, and by the way, if you were wondering what brought this on (the catalyst so to speak), I think it was my nail varnish.  I tried a different colour that I’ve had for quite a while but have always been scared of – a dark purple (it looked almost black in the bottle).  It wasn’t anything like I was expecting and I have to say that it definitely isn’t my favourite colour but I’m glad it’s led to this new part of my life.

Creating Positivity

So one of my words for 2013 is positivity.  I wouldn't class myself as a pessimist but nor would I say I'm particularly optimistic most of the time.  And this is something I want to change.  There are plenty of posts/articles/videos that tell you to look for the positive around you - but this isn't new advice.  Everyone knows you're supposed to stop and smell the flowers blah-de-blah-blah-blah - that doesn't make it easier to actually do it.

So I'm not even going to tackle that way over-done advice as I know there is nothing I could add to it.  This post is about creating positivity in my life.  Basically, I believe that while it a good idea to stop and notice the wonders of the world, it is also great if we can take the time to actively do something that we know will make us feel more positive about our lives and ourselves.  Here are a few things I do when I am letting pessimism get the better of me (I would just like to clarify that I'm not an expert and this is something I still struggle with myself but I figure that sharing it would make me even more likely to follow my own advice):

Watch a video on YouTube

There are thousands, probably millions of videos on YouTube so I can guarantee that there is something you will enjoy watching.  Personally I like to watch 'Beauty Gurus' and 'vlogs' (very much like blogs but in video format).  My favourites being - Kimberly (beauty guru); Psychetruth (health & life advice and discussions); Meghan (vlogs of a nerd/gamer YouTuber); Fact of the Day (what it says on the tin); Rosianna (not sure how to categorize her but she is amazing); and Tiffany Alvord (singer).

Paint my Nails

I know this one won't apply to everyone but I love spending some time painting my nails.  I love choosing a colour and I like looking down for the next few days and feeling empowered by the fact that I've taken that little bit of extra time to do something that makes me feel good about me.  I often pair this with the point above, watching videos.

Watch Friends

I feel fairly certain when I say that I am sure you have heard of, and probably seen, the comedy 'Friends'.  No matter what mood I'm in, this show always makes me laugh, even though I've watched every episode probably 7-8 times by now.  Of course you can substitute this with your favourite comedy.

Tidy Up

Currently my room is a tip and filled with boxes of my stuff, but I have slowly been unpacking and making space in my room.  I don't usually have much energy but when I do 5-10 minutes of sorting my crap, I feel better for the rest of the day as I have that lovely sense of achievement and, more often than not, I can physically see my efforts pay off.

Look for Inspiration

When I don't have the energy to do much at all, I often find myself looking online for craft inspiration, or writing advice as even if I can't do what I've discovered straight away, I feel a little motivated.  It is also often works as a kickstart for my imagination so that I can unleash my creativity (or at least imagine what I will do creatively when I am able to).

Write a Letter

It's no secret that I love writing letters and sending them to my friends 'snailmail' as much as receiving post that isn't 'official' stuff.  Sitting down for half an hour to write to a friend gives me a chance to reflect on my life as well as share both the good and bad that has been happening recently.  Writing to someone who isn't expecting a letter from you is even better as I feel extra happy to have made someone's day through a little act of mine.

Of course the above are only a few suggestions and should be adjusted for yourself; but the thing that I've found most important in creating positivity is to get up and do something, especially when you don't feel like it.  Often when I'm feeling low all I want to do is sit and watch something with a lot of chocolate, and I definitely condone this but not on a regular basis.  Just the act of making yourself get up to do something, even for 5 minutes, can make change your outlook on the day, and will probably lead to you continuing to do more that will make you feel positive.

I would love for you to leave your own in the comments so everyone can try them.

3 Words for 2013

Last year I chose three words that I wished to focus on over the year, and as I found it so helpful I have decided to do the same again this year (and possibly every year).

Positivity:
One thing that I have struggled a lot with over the past few months is staying positive.  To be fair, I am a lot less negative than I used to be, but I feel that this is an area that could certainly use some focus.  I'm not entirely sure how I am going to make positivity as part of my every day living.  I do know that the first step is to decide that I want to be more positive and to actively choose to focus on the positives in life rather than the negatives, so that's where I'm starting.

Prioritize:
Last year I had a lot of ideas and plans and dreams of what I wanted to do.  The problem with this was that I found myself unsure of where to focus on my attention and so I was a lot less productive than I feel I could have been.  This year I know that I will once again be inundated with new ideas and projects over the coming months but I am going to try and work out what I wish to prioritize so that I'm not overwhelmed and end up procrastinating instead of doing.

Love:
I think this may be the toughest word to follow this year.  I once believed that I was incapable of loving but the past few years have taught me that I couldn't have been further from the truth.  I know now that I have a huge capacity for love and I wish that to stay a focal point in my life.  However, this is unbelievably scary as it means being open and vulnerable all the time.  I want to allow love to fill me up (every kind of love that is, just to be clear) but already I have felt the pull to close myself off to the world as it feels like the safer option.  I don't believe it is and so I am choosing love in the hopes that it will help me to remember not to give into my fear.

Have you chosen a word or three for 2013 or made New Year's resolutions?  Please share them in the comments.