Blogmas Day 31: A Bad End to a Bad Year

It is no secret that I have really struggled this year.  Nothing has gone as planned and I have been left disorientated and lost as to where to go next.  Truth be told I believed that I had reached bottom and that, while the New Year wouldn't make anything magically right (though if there is a fairy out there with magic to spare, please feel free to wave your wand in my direction), I thought it couldn't get worse.

And then today I open a letter that tells me a 'friend' has passed away.  I can't really say she was a friend as I'd never met her or even heard from her.  But I have been writing to her for the past few years as she was a fellow M.E. sufferer, and I felt as though I almost knew her - after all, she was a part of my life.  And now she isn't there, receiving my letters with a smile.

Kelly died almost two months ago, but I didn't know until now (her mother didn't want to tell me before Christmas) so it feels like it has just happened - because it has just happened, to me.  I know I am being selfish by saying that this is effecting me, and I can't imagine the pain her family and friends are in.  But the truth is that it has affected me, though I am not yet sure how.

This year has been bad, as I've said; and I believed it couldn't get worse, but this is just a reminder that things can always get worse.  Nothing goes to plan and life goes on.  I don't mean to ruin the New Year spirit (and I am still completely hopeful that next year will be better) but I needed to share this today, rather than the planned post on my words for 2013 (which I will now post tomorrow).  I needed to put it into words, so that I can continue believing that the future is full of possibilities.  So I can create a close on a very bad year, and make way for a Spring that I desperately need to arrive in my life.

I don't know if next year will just bring more pain and loss.  I don't know if anything in my life will ever go the way I dream it will.  But I do know that I have no other choice than to believe that it will get better, as it's the only way I can face each day.

I hope 2012 has been wonderful for you.  And that if it hasn't (and if it has!), that 2013 will be better and truly amazing.  The future is uncertain.  Life is uncertain.  But we have to keep moving forward as life will change around us regardless of what we want.  Perhaps by taking a step we can find ourselves looking on a brighter future.

Blogmas Day 29: Goals and Dreams

I'm not sure if I ever wrote here about my goal of reading 75 books this year.  It isn't something I'd ever considered before, but due to being on Goodreads, I couldn't help noticing the Reading Challenges that people set themselves on there.  And being who I am, I love setting goals and seeing my progress.

75 was kind of a random number, but I knew I wanted to read more than one book a week.  As it turns out, I didn't even manage that (my current count is 49 books so far this year).  However, I am not feeling bad about not reaching my goal.  For a start, it isn't anything important, just something I was doing for fun.  And secondly, I had no idea how many books on average I read a year so had nothing to base my goal on.  Now I have a more realistic idea, I can set this year's challenge so that it's still challenging, but not so over-ambitious that it is impossible to complete.  Basically, I'm saying that doing something with a goal in mind is enjoyable and motivational for me, but only as long as I know what I can and can't achieve, and whether or not it actually matters.

There are things I had hoped to achieve this year that are now collecting dust.  I haven't forgotten or abandoned them, it just turned out that this year was not the right time for them.  But I am determined not to let that stop me dreaming and planning and doing (which, of course, is the most important part).  I now know what my dreams were and what some of my new dreams are.  Yet despite this, I have no idea where I'm heading.  This year has been rough for me and I have a horrible suspicion that next year may be just as tough.  I often wish I could simply give up but I guess that's not in me as no matter what, I always start to try again.

This post, once again, went into a different place from what I had planned.  But I'm kind of enjoying these rambles that start as one thing and then open into a whole other place within me.  Writing this is as much for me as it is for you (actually, probably more so), and I hope it helps you to uncover who you are and what you think as you read what I'm discovering about myself.

Blogmas Day 28: Shopping!

As you can probably guess from the title, I went shopping today.  Where I now live is awkward to get to the shops (other than Tesco) with a wheelchair, so really I had to go while I am still at my parents.  My sister pushed me around, and it was made extra fun by the fact that I now have no voice at all and was trying to let her know where I wanted to go in totally crowded places, but we got there in the end.

It has been a long time since I've done a full shopping trip and already I am completely exhausted and expect it to catch up to me over the next few days.  However, I have to admit that I really enjoyed it and got everything I wanted.  A lot of what I bought was gifts for friends as I wasn't able to get them before Christmas.  I also bought a few treats for myself including a cross-stitch magazine, 2 Lush bath products and a few sweets/chocolates with some of the money I got for Christmas.

I also bought myself a few Christmas decorations, the most important being a white fairy-type ornament for my tree.  Every year I try to get something special to add (if I'm not given anything) and when I saw this one at a random stall we stumbled across I knew I had to have it - and it being half price was just a bonus.

I'm not really one to buy extra just because it's in the sale, but I do enjoy seeing what is for offer.  Are you a sale shopper?  What have you bought this year?

Blogmas Day 27: A Different World

It occurred to me this morning that my little brother (who is 5) is growing up in a completely different world than the one I did.  I mean, he knows how to use the video and DVD player and knows about the internet and iplayer, even if he doesn't completely understand it.  When I was growing up we had one family computer (actually, we got this when I was older than he is now, but I'm not sure exactly when) and had 4 hours a day of internet usage between us.  This seems completely crazy now, but it wasn't that long ago.  And we didn't expect more.  My family has always been behind on technology (we've never had television and I got my first phone when I was 17 I think) and have always been book people.  My little brother loves reading (and I've been really impressed with how far he's come) so I know that technology doesn't always equal the banishing of books.  But I cannot comprehend how he will remember his childhood and what he accepts as normal.  The world is changing so very fast and I want to be swept along with incredible knowledge and advances humanity is making; but I also want to stop and appreciate every moment and remember how the world is right now and where we started.

In case you were wondering what brought on these thoughts, it was my little brother asking me a question.  Okay, technically it wasn't the question, but his response when I didn't know the answer - 'I'll ask the family and if no one knows we'll Google it' (I don't think he remembered the question long enough to ask anyone else, but for someone who was brought up having to look everything up in one of my dad's many encyclopedias  this response snapped me into realising just how much has changed).

Blogmas Day 26: Not Voiceless

Okay, so I seem to have totally failed at blogging every day this month but I am determined to continue trying at the very least.  I was going to do a post for each day with what I did and such but let's be honest, it probably wouldn't be that great to read as many of my thoughts have been lost by now.  There were, however, a couple of highlights that I want to share with you (and as it's my blog I can do whatever I like, and if you don't like it, there are plenty of other websites for you to waste your time on).

One of the things I noticed this year was just how hard it was to get something for my Christmas dinner.  I am a vegetarian (and have been now for about 13 years) and so usually have a substitute for meat for big family dinners.  A few years ago I had something wonderful; unfortunately I can't remember exactly what it was but I know it came from M & S - of course that means that every year I pay M & S a visit in the hopes that they will have something equally as great.  Needless to say, they have never come through for me since.  My parents checked Tesco and The Co-op but came back without anything suitable to go with a roast.  So on Sunday my sister took me to Sainsbury's.  There were two chilled nut roasts left, absolutely no frozen festive food left or the choice of a 'Quorn family roast' which I've had in the past and is literally a lump of protein that tastes of nothing.  So I got one of the (very expensive) nut roasts.  It was actually lovely and probably contributed to the over-eating I indulged in yesterday (I blame my brother and sister-in-law, Spud and Kess for making too much delicious food), though I still have quite a lot left as it wasn't a small portion.  Anyway, if you are vegetarian or have any special diet requirements what do you do for big meals like Christmas dinner?

Yesterday (Christmas day) was totally different from any of my previous Christmas' as my family spent the day at Spud and Kess' (it still feels strange to think that my brother has a wife!).  I took plenty of photos and can't wait to get round to editing them.  I have been getting into photography ever since their wedding.  I do not intend to ever take it up as a serious hobby, nor do I really worry that I am choosing settings rather than working out my own (still a step up from just leaving it on auto though, right?) but am just enjoying taking, editing and having plenty of photos.  If my photos weren't all in storage for the time being I would be trying to make sure everything goes into albums and I can't wait until I get the chance to sort them all (I think it's nice to have physical copies of photos as if they are on my computer they never actually get looked at).

Anyway, I seem to have gone into a totally different direction than I was planning with this post.  I was going to write all about how I have lost my voice today and just how important my voice is to me, but I realise that by writing this I have proved I clearly am not 'voiceless' and, as always, am so very appreciative of my ability to write - words are my life and will probably always be.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are enjoying Boxing Day - do you have any traditions on this day, or do you just veg out like we do?

Blogmas Day 21: Yule

It is currently Yule (21st-24th December).  I am Pagan and therefore always recognize when Yule comes around, but I also celebrate Christmas.

There are three main reasons for this.  The first is that I was brought up celebrating Christmas and therefore it is part of my childhood, my traditions and who I am.  The second is that the majority of the Western world celebrates Christmas (or at least appears to!) and it would be difficult to orchestrate my celebrations and gift-giving on the 21st when everyone else does on the 25th.  And finally, it all boils down to the fact that I love Christmas.  It is my favourite holiday - I love the decorations, the songs and general festivities.  So, for now at least, I will continue celebrating Christmas, but always remember to put up some Yule decorations (such as evergreens) and simply appreciate the season.

Blogmas Day 20: Christmas' Past

I went and saw my Nanny (my Dad's Mum) today and we went out for lunch.  My Dad visits her twice every week, and so whenever I come back here, I go with him at least once.  Of course, I will be seeing her on Christmas day as well.

I asked her about what she remembers Christmas to be like.  The main reason was just because I'm curious, and I love Christmas so am always ready to soak up any new information about it.  But also, I think it's a shame that so many memories disappear as we age and pass, so knowing what she said will keep them alive a little bit longer.

There were two main points she brought up.  The first was that when she was very young she remembers that the 'sitting room' (or perhaps it's better to say a 'drawing room'?) was only ever used on Christmas.  Just in case you're not familiar with the term 'sitting room', it is similar to a living room, but it is where the best furniture is kept and therefore only used on very special occasions   I don't believe many (if any) people still have these types of rooms that are never used and many of the old houses have had that room converted into an extra bedroom (particularly in student accommodation) or a study.  Anyway, my Nanny remembers that Christmas day was the only day in which their sitting room was used.  She also said that she didn't really enjoy Christmas day that much as she was the only child in a room full of adults (who apparently went to sleep after the Christmas dinner).

The second point was that she remembers Boxing day (the day after Christmas) to be what she actually looked forward to.  They would visit her cousins and, especially during the way when both families had evacuees living with them, this meant that she could play with other children.  I found this really interesting as I know that in some places Christmas Eve is full of the best celebrations, but I've never known Boxing day to  register that highly for someone (except, of course, for servants when it was first introduced as it would be their day off).

Have you ever asked relatives about their Christmas pasts?  Please share anything about Christmas that you remember, or that you have been told.

P.S. I also asked my Dad and he said he remembers his Day (my Grandad) dressing up as Father Christmas.  This led to a bit of a discussion between him and my Nanny as she thinks it was one of my Grandad's brothers that usually did it.