My Biggest Regret

I don't have a whole lot of regrets in my life.  A few years ago that would have been a totally different statement, but someone came into my life and made me realise that I can't change the past so it's not worth worrying about.  He was right and since then I have let many things go and honestly  I feel the better for it. 

However, lately I have been regretting something quite strongly.  I can't take it back but I still wish I had done it differently.  Months (and months and months) ago, I started dropping hints here about my secret project, the business I was going to start.  As you all know, it is still in the works (I honestly didn't realise how long it would take me to get from idea to selling the idea).

My plans haven't changed (though they have grown) and I am still working very slowly towards my goals.  But I have found that the pressure I created for myself by telling you has actually worked against me.  I feel kind of stupid for telling the world my plans long before they would come to fruition.  I feel that I am letting you down by not having something to show for the past year of my life.  And at times I have wondered if perhaps I am all talk.

But I have decided that, while I can't change the past, I can change the future.  I can stop using my precious energy worrying about what everyone thinks of me and start reminding myself of how capable I am.  I set myself a challenge.  I didn't realise how big of a challenge it was going to be.  But I am determined not to back down - this is something I want and something I believe I can do. 

I have, however, learnt my lesson - so I will no longer be telling you of things to come that aren't ready.  I don't want to feel that I am not keeping my promise to you by not being able to deliver immediately.  You are so important to me and I thank you so much for following my journey here.

Winner and an Update

Firstly, congratulations to Shanna for winning the Tangled Tides ebook (I rolled a dice on Random.org to find the winner).  Shanna, please send me an email (anyawillowfan at yahoo dot co dot uk) so I can pass your email onto Rhemelda publishers who will send you a copy of the book.

Secondly, I want to let you all know why I haven't been posting regularly for a few weeks.  Basically, the first few weeks I didn't post I was really ill, I couldn't sleep properly and my M.E. flared up to the point that I could only just watch DVDs of my favourite shows.  I wasn't able to come online as my brain just couldn't understand anything I read.

This past week I have been feeling slightly better.  I am beginning to feel like I was before I got ill (so, still almost housebound, but at least I can do a little each day now if I have plenty of rest).  However, instead of posting here, I have been using that energy to work on my new website.  It is nowhere near ready yet, but I am going to be sending you there later this week regardless as I know you would rather be invited early and see the site evolve as I slowly finish it.

I hope you are as well as possible and had a good weekend.

Review and Giveaway: Tangled Tides

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Tangled Tides is a contemporary book about magic and myth, featuring mermaids, sirens, selkies and gorgons, all in a completely new light.  I have to admit that I was expecting a dark twist on the world of merfolk, but I think the story could be interpreted as dark or as a beautiful fairytale.

The story is told in first person through the eyes of the three main characters.  I actually found this a bit of a problem in enjoying the story as I spent a lot of time trying to work out whose voice I was reading, rather than experiencing the story.  While I think it would have been better told in third person, the positive of reading the different character perspectives made each side’s point of view crystal clear and understandable by the reader.

I found this book difficult to read for the first third as I felt it spent too much time telling me about the mer-world, rather than diving into the story.  However, once I was past this point, the story suddenly became so intriguing that I found myself reading for hours, unwilling to pause as I wanted to know what was going to happen.

I would recommend Tangled Tides to anyone who still believes in fairytales or who enjoy discovering different ways of thinking.  At the core, Tangled Tides is a book about a young girl deciding who she is, which the author shows through the different species involved.

Rhemelda Publishers have generously offered a free ebook for one reader.  All you have to do is leave a comment here and you will be entered into the draw.  Open internationally.  Giveaway closes Monday 23rd April 2012 11:59pm GMT

[Disclaimer: I received a free digital copy of this book in return for an honest review.]

Doing What I Wanted

I haven’t really done anything in the past week other than watch episodes of Buffy.  But I now feel much more ready to get back to working hard on my plans. 

I spent the time allowing myself to do what I felt like doing rather than what I felt I should be doing.  I’m not saying that that is possible (or even advisable) all the time, but I found that not forcing myself to continue with my plans gave me a chance to emotionally, mentally and physically catch up with all my ideas.  I feel much more optimistic and had a few ideas just come to me while I wasn’t looking for them.  While this break wasn’t planned, it felt completely necessary to realign myself with my goals and my words for this year. 

I wasn’t looking for a break but clearly I needed one and am glad that I allowed myself to take one.  Do you take breaks from the stress of life/plans/work often?  Do you plan them or just let them happen?

Friendship

Like many people with chronic disability, I had a problem holding onto my friends when I was diagnosed.  I couldn’t go out at the weekend or evenings, they thought I was too lazy to get a job (as I managed to go to school they believed I was making it up) and eventually they just stopped inviting me anywhere.  Granted, these were my high school friends so I doubt we would still be friends now anyway, but I’ll never know if we drifted apart because we weren’t meant to be friends with one another or because they couldn’t deal with me having M.E.

When I started university, I met a lot of people.  In my first year I went out a lot but as my health deteriorated and I struggled to keep going to classes in my second and third year, I stopped going out.  The friends I’d made stopped inviting me out and very few made the effort to see me (if I’m completely honest, only one or two stayed in touch and only just barely).  I only saw Chris and my classmates regularly, and when uni finished and I became trapped inside I was expecting the few remaining friends I had to disappear.  It turns out that I was wrong.

My birthday dinner (Chris is behind the camera and Diamond had already left)

 When I decided to go out for dinner for my birthday I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting a very good turn-out. It’s been my experience that people have a habit of forgetting to attend events I plan (whether intentionally or not, I do not know).  So I was completely overwhelmed that all my friends who lived within travelling distance came.  And I finally believe that friendship is in everyone’s grasp.  I agree that it is easier to make friends when you are not stuck at home and so I try to make the effort to go out when I am able.  The rest of the time I send texts and facebook messages and sometimes snail-mail (when they live far away or I know their address).  I want to make sure that I am as good a friend as I can be. 

Since leaving high school I have come to value friendship very highly and at the same time realised that true friends would stick by me and love me for who I am.  I stopped trying to be anyone else and was straight-up honest about who I was.  I believe this is why I now have a fairly large support network of friends who keep me going.  I don’t see them very often but I know I can rely on them when they are needed.  And I hope they know that they can rely on me (as much as my health allows me). 

And that is the secret.  Be yourself.  Don’t only take, especially if you are in a position to give.  And you will find friends who will be the most amazing and important people in your life (plus family of course).

My Purpose

When I started this blog, I didn’t really have any purpose for it.  I knew I wanted to improve my writing and share my views on the world.  Those things are still important for me but for the past few months I have felt that I really needed to have a clear purpose for my blog posts, so over that time I have been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want from my blog.  This hasn’t been easy for me.  I believe in encompassing my whole self into my writing, but I have a lot of interests and hobbies, making it difficult for me to narrow down my truth.  I don’t mean that I wanted to find out which of these were important (they all are, as they are all a part of me), but I needed to work out how to make them cohesive.  I want only people who connect with my work and who I am, to be drawn to it.  I feel that by sharing information on everything, I am not helping anyone.  And so I needed to sit down and have a serious think.

In the end I found that my purpose is something that I couldn’t even have imagined when this blog was being created.  I want to inspire others by showing what can be achieved.  I want to share thoughts and ideas to make living easier and more enjoyable for those with chronic disabilities or conditions.  And most of all, I want to give my readers hope, and a sense of empowerment through my words.  I want to show that everyone has a purpose in this world, and perhaps even help some of you find it.  As I’ve mentioned many times, this journey is going to be long and winding.  I’m certain it won’t happen overnight.  But now that I know where I want to go, it has made it possible for me to put things in motion.  Writing this post is the first step, to let you know what is coming.  I hope you will join me and be a part of this process, but if, for any reason you feel that this is not what you need right now, then I hope you will use your time to find someone or something that can help you.

Giving You The Value You Deserve

The world (especially the internet) is full to the brim of noise, of people trying to get your attention, trying to tell you something.  I am very aware that every post that goes onto my blog adds to the din and so I want to make sure that I respect your time by not posting fluff and extra noise that doesn’t need to be there (there’s plenty of that as there is).

Last week I didn’t post at all.  This wasn’t because I was feeling lazy or not ‘in the mood’ to write anything, but I didn’t feel that I had anything useful to say.  I value the time you spend here, reading my words, so I want to make sure that I am standing up to my end of the bargain, of giving you value in exchange for your time (and if you don’t think it’s valuable, please go somewhere else and stop wasting your time).  So while I will not be giving up blogging (I love it way too much), I am going to try and only post work that I know needs to be shared and not kept lost on my laptop.  I am also going to start sharing the writing that is in alignment with where I want to go with my blog (more on this later this week).

I want you to know when you arrive, if this blog will enhance your life.  I want to spend more time talking about what matters to me, and post less frivolous, unsure posts.  I know this isn’t going to be a simple journey that is worked out immediately, but I need to start making my words matter.  Therefore, I will continue posting as often as possible, but I am no longer going to muddy the water so to speak, with apologies and insubstantial thoughts.

How do you decide what is important enough to post?  Does it bother you when you keep finding fluff in your favourite places, when you want something of value?  Please share your thoughts in the comments as I love to hear your ideas.