Coming Out

click for source

As many of you know 'Bethany Mason' is a pseudonym, one that I'm no longer comfortable sitting behind.  I loved Bethany and her life as a writer, but it is now time to move on, to say 'I am no longer that person'.  The truth is, I don't know who I am.  I know I love to write.  But I also love so many other things - crafting, baking, reading, indulging in wild flights of fancy.

As you can see, I am already changing.  From now on, I want this blog to represent who I am - or who I believe I am at the very least.  I am a girly girl, I like pink and swirls and cupcakes.  I a writer though I don't know what that means right now.  I am a book lover - I will devour any and every book I can lay my hands on, I just wish I had time to read them all.  I am creative.

The last one is the one I feel I have been hiding.  I have been hiding behind the labels of 'student' and 'writer'.  But now it's time for me to graduate (not literally - I still have a couple of months before that!).  I'm still not entirely sure who or what I'm graduating into (though I can share with you that this change has a lot to do with my secret project) and I hope that you will follow my journey.  However, if you find that who I am no longer interests you, or you came here for the posts on writing (I have a feeling these will be few and far between for a while), then I can promise I won't be offended if you take yourself off my followers list.  You should only spend time doing and reading what you love - and that's something I will be working on for myself.  I hope to find what I love and pursue it and will be sharing my findings with you on here.

An M.E. Medal

Firstly, sorry about the random re-posting of Recipe For An Incredible Night yesterday - I don't know what happened there!  And now, on to the actual post.

The other day as I was catching up on my blog reading I came across this and knew I had to buy one.  Chlay is another M.E. sufferer only she is not using the little energy she has to enjoy life, but rather, to get the word out about M.E.  This is just the latest of many endeavours, the 'M.E. It's a Hard Nut to Crack' and I jumped on board.  What is it? 

It is a gold nut pendant on blue ribbon.  For those of you who don't know, yellow/gold and blue are the colours for M.E.  Chlay is selling these for only £2.50 (inc. p&p) and I urge you, if you have M.E. or know someone with M.E. to buy it.  It's not a lot of money, and the proceeds are going to M.E. charities that are doing research into this horrendous disability.

But there is another reason.  When I was wearing it the other day (I now wear it every day) I looked down and seeing the blue ribbon and gold remarked to Chris that it felt like I was wearing a medal.  He, of course, said that I should be wearing a medal for simply surviving and living when I am stuck with M.E. (I, of course, believe he should be wearing a medal as to watch someone you love suffer is surely much worse than suffering yourself?)  Since then the idea has stuck.  So I am wearing it every day to remind me that I am not alone in this fight against M.E., and that I am stronger than I ever remember.

And that is why every M.E. sufferer should have one.  Every single sufferer, whether they are 99% or 0% deserve to know that they are incredible for getting up every day (or believing and hoping that they will get up one day).  So if you know someone with M.E., or suffer from it yourself, please GO HERE to buy one (or two, or three).

P.S. there are much better photos on Chlay's blog.  The only reason you can't see my head is that I couldn't work out how to take a picture including it without the camera covering it.

Recipe for an Incredible Night

Okay, I realise that I am late in posting this.  I got caught up in life stuff (the positive life stuff) which led to lots of drink and friends!  Even though I know this is late, I have to give you one piece of AWESOME NEWS before showing you the pics from Monday night.  Chris and I have a place to live!  Yes, that's right.  We put the down-payment down yesterday and we are officially moving in on the 28th May.  I'm really excited (in case you couldn't tell) and I'm looking forward to sharing the moving experience with you (even if it is literally just round the corner!)

So, onto pics.

Me dressed ready to cook:

And photos of me and friends:

I only just realised I don't have any pics of the spaghetti and lentil bolognase I made so I'll skip straight to dessert:

The cupcakes I made impromptu:

Chocolate animal shapes (it took 200g of Milka to make these 8 shapes):

Ice pops (lemonade and food colouring - messy combination):

A handy place to store it when chatting:

It was an incredible night and so worth the pain the next day; I can't wait to host another one (though it turns out I'm a bit Monica-ish when it comes to being hostess).  But basically, the recipe for a great night is: friends, food, drink and sugar.

One Quick Phone Call

It's typical that the moment I resign myself to not blogging much, I find myself with lots of news and plenty of post ideas crammed into my head, begging for release.

As you know, I haven't been really feeling like myself recently.  I haven't found myself interested or motivated to do much at all.  It's amazing how quickly that can change.  Yesterday morning I was woken by a phone call.  A phone call inviting me to an interview!  I have only applied for a few jobs as I've been struggling to get up in the morning, but this one I really wanted to apply for.  It is 12hrs a week which I'm certain I can manage.  It's temporary so I figure it'll give me some time to worry about getting a 'real job'.  I am don't have any of the qualifications they ask for.  But I know I can do this job.  And it seems that they think I might be able to as well.  I wasn't expecting a reply.  I wasn't expecting any response at all.  But I got one. 

I had been feeling like a failure.  I had applied for an online freelance article writing job and been turned down.  To say I was at my lowest would be exaggerating.  To say I was at my best would be an outright lie.  I had given up having faith in myself.  Getting this interview brought it all back.  I know I still have a way to.  I know I might not get the job, but for now, knowing I got an interview is enough.  It reminded me that I am capable.  I am strong.  And I can survive in this world, even with M.E.  So now I am determined to fight my way out of depression.  I am taking it extra slow, just a day at a time, focusing on one thought or idea a day as the last thing I want is to burn out and force myself back down.  For the first time in a while I feel able, and that is saying a lot.

A Note to my Readers

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  The truth is, I've been avoiding blogger.  I can't really explain why.  I love blogging and still think about it almost constantly; but I just don't seem to find anything I want to blog about.  I hate myself for not posting more regularly (especially when I KNOW I love it so much) but I can't bring myself to find anything interesting to say.  I wanted you to know it's not about you - I love you all and appreciate each and every one of my readers - and I hate doing this to you.  So I will try and post, but only if I want to post.  I'm hoping I'll be back to blogging often soon, as I miss it so (yes, I could just do a ton of memes, and I have considered it, but I believe you and I both deserve better than that).  So, I will be about, I'll try and post at least once a week to let you all know how I'm doing, and hopefully this is just a short crisis (it's got a lot to do with M.E. and being out of the security of education for the first time in my life).  I'd appreciate you keeping your fingers crossed for me, thank you.  Bethany x

A Quick Post

This post is going to be rushed.  I have a million things rushing through my mind right now.  Today I have been busy - and it's only just beginning.  I'm hosting a dinner party for a few friends - and it turns out, I can get a little obsessive.  I went into town to buy a few things from Tesco and ended up with a new dress, new sandals, a lot of things from The Works (and that was with self-restraint!), a new journal (which I needed) and plenty of ideas.  So now I'm taking a break, before I start on the cooking.  Hopefully, tomorrow (or the day after) I'll have lots of photos to share with you.

For those of you who commented on my last post (and those of you who thought about commenting), a huge thank you.  I am slowly pulling myself together, a day at a time.  I'm trying to go outside and get plenty of sun as often as possible; I'm continuing with my plan (I figure it gives me something to work towards, even if I'm not sure if it's what I want - I can always change my mind later) and I'm spending time with my friends.  I'm hoping that eventually I'll start to feel like myself again, until then, I'm going to continue on this journey of life.

A Difficult Post to Write

This is a hard post to write.  I'm not really sure how I should say what I want to say.  I don't know where to start.  I don't even know if I want to say what I'm going to say, but I want to be honest.  I want you to know why I haven't blogged so far this week.

The thing is, I haven't exactly been feeling myself for the past few days.  By that I mean the person you see here - the hopeful, inspired person behind the words.  Instead, I have been feeling empty and worthless.  I know you are probably thinking that I'm not and I really do appreciate that, but it can't change how I feel at the moment.  Those of you who know me (and by that I mean, those who know me very well) know that I have had depression, on and off, for a very long time - ever since I got M.E. (or there about, I'm still not sure which one came first). The truth is I denied it for a very long time.  And then I went to university.  Everything changed.

I didn't stop getting depressed but my bouts of disillusion were shorter and I was able to deal with them.  A lot has happened in the past few years that has kept me in a relatively healthy state of mind.  But now I feel stressed and hopeless and stretched thinner than ever.  And this has led to some very bad feelings about myself the past few days.  And I didn't want to tell you.

I didn't want to impress on you how bad I'm feeling right now (yes, I know that's exactly what I'm doing now) as I didn't want my problems to become your problems.  But neither could I find it within me to write any upbeat posts - all my thoughts were gloom and despair - so I didn't write.  Now, I still don't want you to feel for me but I realised that I made a pact with myself to always tell the truth in my words, especially in this space.  So I am telling you, not for your sympathy (because honestly it won't help) but because you deserve to know why my posts may be a bit sporadic for a while (though I will try my hardest to post as often as I can without making this a place you want to shy away from).  It also feels good to tell the world.  Accepting it is the first stage for recovery, I know this, and this is me accepting how I'm feeling right now.  And hoping it will lead...I don't know where, maybe somewhere over the rainbow?

Because I can't bear leaving you on such a low note, here are some pics of the biscuits I baked over the weekend:

You have no idea how fiddly these rings were to cut out and move onto the baking sheet!

Added butter icing and then jam to get:

Homemade jammie dodgers (way tastier than shop bought ones).