Out of 2013 and into 2014

At the beginning of 2012 I was filled with overwhelming enthusiasm for the coming year. I felt excited and ready to face my best year ever.  2012 turned into one of the worst years of my life.

At the beginning of 2013 I didn’t really have a whole lot of expectations.  I was still struggling with a break up, moving, money issues and health problems. I didn’t dare expect anything as I didn’t want things to come crashing down any further.

2013 has been a year of transition – physically (I moved again in June), mentally and emotionally.  Without noticing, the year has passed me by without me noticing much at all; but when I look back I can see how things have changed for me.  I am now living in a friendly little flat I rent, and which I can see myself living in for a long time.  I am beginning to see an ever-so-slight improvement in my health.  I am less stressed. And I am starting to feeling hopeful again.

So I guess as I go into 2014, I am feeling cautiously hopeful. I don’t expect next year to be amazing, but at the same time I know it is still a possibility; a lot can happen in a year after all.  I am not planning on jumping into 2014 all guns blazing with the result of burning myself out. Instead, I am simply making the quiet choice to continue making small progresses with my life and hopes and dreams, as I have been doing for the past few months.

And as I go out of 2013, I am grateful for the slow, almost imperceptible, transitions that have happened within my life over the past year. I know I needed this year to get back into place, ready to face the next stage of my life.

Being Who I Am

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder who am I? When did I become the woman who eats salads and fantasizes about joining a gym (granted, this probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I can't do it, than because I want to work out)?

But then the rest of the time, I can't imagine being anyone else. I feel completely and utterly myself; as if this is, of course, where I was heading all the time. Even though I may have different friends and hobbies and struggles, I am still exactly the person I am meant to be, the person I was always meant to be.  Knowing that makes life that bit easier to cope with, because I know who I am and while I don't know where I'm going exactly, I'm certain it is exactly where I'm supposed to go.

Christmas Planning

As you all know, I am a huge fan of Christmas. This year, however, I am finding that for a couple of days I have been really excited for it, and then suddenly that feeling went away. I have been yoyo-ing between those two states for the past month at least, and now it’s finally December.

Saying ‘finally’ December is a bit misleading as this year it has almost crept up on me, despite having bouts of ‘Christmas mania’. I mean, at the beginning of November I was making all my plans and looking forward to being remotely organised, and yet somehow I didn’t find the time through the whole month to actually start on the Christmas preparations. So as usual I am left with lots of wonderful ideas, and very little time.

I’m determined not to panic. I am not going to go completely mad and try and get everything done as I know that will only lead to me getting ill, and honestly I want to be able to enjoy the holidays with my family. But nor am I going to give up on all of my plans. I still want to make an effort this Christmas, especially as last year was such a disaster (from my perfectionist’s point of view anyway).

Today, while I am making sure to include plenty of rest, I am hoping to start putting up a few decorations. It’s going to require a little practical thinking as my ceiling is far too high to actually reach (nor do I have anywhere to store a ladder), but there is plenty of wall space so I’m looking forward to what I come up with. 

As I said, I’m determined to not physically overdo it (especially after yesterday), so it will likely take me at least a week to put up all my decorations, but that is completely okay. Just because I remember doing all the decorating on one day when I was a child doesn’t mean I have to follow that tradition. Instead, I need to find my own way of doing things that allow me to work around my health, because nothing is worth putting that at risk (except maybe visiting friends and family, but that’s a different matter).

I am also hoping to do some baking this year. Last year I never managed to make anything, but this year I am focusing on one or two recipes so I don’t have to rush. I’m still trying to come up with a main course for Christmas dinner, though, as this year it is not just me that’s vegetarian, in fact one of my siblings has gone vegan. I can’t resist a challenge so I’m sure I’ll find something (though if you have any ideas, please share below).

Are you super organised when it comes to Christmas/holidays? If you have health issues, how have you found ways to work around them?

Having a Bad Day

Lately I have been doing so much better, that days like today are a horrible reminder of how fragile my health is. Today has been a really bad day. I haven’t had a day like this in a long while and I had forgotten just how much being trapped in the bed sucks.

I know my day has been such a struggle due to doing far too much yesterday (you know, doing a little more writing and moving around that little bit extra), but that hasn’t made it any easier to deal with. If anything, the fact that I’ve been improving made today so much worse, as until this (hopefully short) relapse I had almost forgotten that I don’t have a normal life. I knew I wasn’t ready for work, or anything as major as that, but the fact that I was improving made me feel I had a chance at a ‘normal life’ again.

Of course, one awful day in comparison to every day being like this shows that I am improving; and I am holding onto that, even as I am unable to do anything beyond lying down staring into space and sleeping (which evidently has made me able to write this). But it also reminds me that I can’t take it for granted, and that I will likely have to live the rest of my life weighing activity against rest and possible relapse. That has been the hardest thing to cope with today.

Saying that, I got through it and I am still managing to feel fairly positive (and I don’t even care if it’s drugs preventing me from the depths of depression right now). Each day may not be a new chance when one is paying for yesterday’s activities, but if I take away the length of time of 24 hours, there will always be a new chance to fight again and make my life into what I want.

My Bubble

Lately I've started to wonder how everyone else in the world lives. I can't help feeling that I am missing out, as so much of my life revolves around what I am reading and watching online. While I am no longer completely trapped by the four walls around me, I am still trapped within my body - and I'm starting to feel that everything in my life is in an artificial bubble. This wouldn't be so bad, after all, living in a bubble gives a certain sense of safety, but knowing it is fake leads me to question what the point of everything is. Most days my main aim is simply to get through the day, and into the next one.

Of course I have a few plans that I try and work on, but as I never seem to quite make enough progress, I feel that I am on a treadmill rather than a road. I am going nowhere. Is this all life is? Is this all my life will ever be?

An Overdue Update

I am aware it's been far too long since I last posted here, but I'm not sorry.  The main reason I haven't been updating is because I've actually been doing things!

A few weeks ago I went to a couple of (very small) shops and tried clothes on - I haven't managed this in over 2 years.

The weekend before last I went to a birthday party. One that involved creating a costume (which I ended up sewing by hand as my electric went out and I'd left it to the last minute - luckily I hadn't planned anything too ambitious), and then talking to people for a few hours.  I sat down during the party, but I made the effort and am pleased I went.

And last week I went to a fireworks display with my bff and her son (who is 2 yrs).  Bonfire night is one that I love due to the memories it evokes of bundling up in the car with my family and standing far too close to a giant bonfire (no doubt it is taped off now due to health and safety).  Admittedly, I do feel guilt for endorsing the tradition of putting a ton of extra poison into our atmosphere, but that can't be helped.  I haven't had a proper Bonfire night in years due to my M.E., and so I was super excited that I finally felt well enough to attend. Unfortunately we ended up having to walk a lot further than I should have due to the taxi not being allowed down the road to the display, but somehow I managed it (we took a chair for me to sit on once there and we used it to rest on our way back to where a taxi could pick us up), so I know for sure I haven't walked that far in literally years.

This week I have mainly been recuperating after doing so much.  But that doesn't dim the fact that I was able to do so much, I honestly have nothing but hope for the next few months, though I am determined not to allow myself to give up on resting as I know that no matter how easy it would be, it would only end in me rebounding.

The other reason this blog post is so late in the coming is because I wanted to include photos. I haven't finished editing them yet which is why I was waiting. Then today I realised that I'm just procrastinating, and surely it is better to post something that isn't complete (ie. without photos) than nothing at all.

Of course, being able to do so much more, leaves me struggling to know where to put my focus, as suddenly I have lots of options that I can actually do, but I can't do all of them if I am to stop myself charging forward and overdoing it.

How do you choose where to put your focus? And any tips on how to remember to take it slow?

I don't mean this post to imply I'm bragging about my health improving, I know there are still many who are struggling at the worst points of their health; nor am I complaining that I still am not able to lead a 'normal' life yet - I simply want to share my experience to share understanding of chronic disabilities.

Sunday Shout Out: Ruby Gloom

Pic from Amazon UK

One of the things I love about having Netflix is finding completely random and awesome TV shows to watch.  Lately I have been watching a lot of Ruby Gloom. While it is a 'cartoon' aimed at children, it is very unique and appeals to everyone (seriously, someone I know who hates everything for children, will happily sit through episodes of Ruby Gloom).  It's a great way to relax and indulge in an unusual world with some amazing characters.

Do you have Netflix? If so, what have you been watching recently on there?