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Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Truth

I know I was supposed to be 'back' this week.  I had planned to post about what I did last week along with my usual posts.  The truth is I haven't wanted to.  So far this week I've written a blog post - it's ready and sitting on my laptop - but I'm not ready to share it with the world yet.  I have found that with a lot of things I've been writing lately.  Some of it I've shared anyway.  Other pieces, or partly-formed pieces, are also sitting on my laptop without a home.  I am planning to rectify that.  Or at least I was.

Then yesterday depression hit me.  I can't explain what happened (mostly because I'm really not sure myself).  I just know that one moment I was crying and then I couldn't stop crying.  This is not the first time this has happened.  And I doubt it will be the last.  It's a part of me that I haven't ever shared here before.  But now I know I need to share it.  Sharing is a step towards helping me truly face up to it.  Sure, I've known I've had depressive bouts many times in my life, but I've either ignored them or just let them run their course. This time I know that I no longer want to be depressed.

Every moment becomes a challenge.  Feeding myself, even checking my email becomes a mountain.  One that I have continued to climb every single day.  I know the reason why I fight on.  It's because I know there are people who love me, who want to see me achieve my potential.  But it's becoming harder and harder to deal with as I begin to question everything I do - am I really just doing it for other people?  And if I am, shouldn't I stop?  But if I stop then I will just be a large mound of nothingness.  And so the questions and insults circle round and round in my mind.

Today I stumbled across a blog post that describes depression so much better than I ever could.  It helped me to understand that I am not alone in this fight.  And that is another reason why I'm sharing it.  I could wait and make this a story about success, but I'm hoping that in sharing it, you will become part of that success.  Because now I believe that I can get better (btw, I am not at the end of my 'adventure in depression').  And I want you to know that I will be here struggling on, day by day.  I just can't promise that I will be writing here every day - or even the three times a week I've been keeping to lately.  I am making the promise to continue writing though, and although some of that writing may never see the light of day, it is enough for now, that I will be writing.

So what does all this rambling about me mean for you?  That when you come here you might not be subjected to the thought-out mini-essays I have been delivering; that I will be sharing snippets of my soul when I can.  And for those of you in similar places (emotionally that is), the knowledge that you are not alone in this fight.  Life will get better (at least I have to believe it will).  It also means that, while I will be trying to continue with my plans for the new website and creative business, I probably won't be holding myself accountable here (because honestly I can't deal with the stress that is causing me).

So to sum up this excessively long post, I want you to know that I'm okay.  I'm not good and to be honest even 'okay' is a little higher up than how I am right now.  But I have people around me who love me.  And if you ever wanted to know how it feels to live with depression I strongly recommend you check out that blog post.

3 comments:

Kess said...

*Hugs* Well done for writing such a personal post! It's very easy to hide things when you blog, so I take my hat off to you for being so open. I'm sure most readers will be able to relate to this. I know I can x

dianewordsmith said...

Tamara,

You are brave to share such an intimate part of yourself on your blog. I think your post could go a long way in helping others who are struggling with depression. Make sure to take care of yourself and get the help that you need to stay emotionally healthy. Let us know if we can help.

Madeleine said...

Apparently 80% of writers have a period of clinical depression in their lives, so I hope your depression is short lived. I find long country walks help enormously.