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Thursday, 11 November 2010

To Write or Not to Write

This month is NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month.  Those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time know that I attempted this last year and made it up to about 10 000 words before it all became too much for me.

This year I am not forcing myself to write any number of words - I am not participating.  This does not mean that I'm not writing (though to be fair the only writing I seem to be doing lately is uni assignments).  But it does mean that I am thinking more about writing than I ever have before.  I no longer know why I write, yet I am having more and more ideas that I believe I could turn into something worthwhile that I love - if I write them well.

Honestly I'm scared to start anything new.  I have a lot of writing and reading to do for uni.  But I also know this is an excuse I am making to myself.  I have a lot of time on my hands, yet it constantly seems to be filled with (mostly) necessary and important things: washing up, research, writing asssignments, reading assignments, tidying, cross-stitch (to help me unwind).  And I don't know if I'm ready to compromise this state of being for my writing.  Nothing will change for anyone if I never wrote another fictional word (don't worry, I'm planning on keeping the blog).  It won't effect the world.

Ultimately it is my choice.  And I no longer know if writing is what I want to do.  I expect it will always be a part of my life, but I don't know if it can be my full life.  The problem with this is that writing is the only thing I've ever wanted to do.  So if I don't write, what will I do?  And that is why I am still a writer, though I don't feel as much as a writer as I know I could be.

Sorry if this post seems confusing - I'm trying to explain all the thoughts and emotions and worries that are inside me and as they are a big mess, that's how they are coming out, and I think that's how they should stay.  So this post is mainly me admitting to myself and to you that I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore.  (And if your opinion is that that not knowing makes me not a writer, please keep it to yourself).

1 comment:

February Grace said...

Just do whatever makes you happiest, and hang what the rest of the world thinks as to whether or not that makes you a 'writer'.

Life is too short to spend a moment of it forcing yourself to undertake one artistic endeavour over another.

If you are happy cross-stitching, then do it. If you feel like writing- do it.

Just be as happy as you can. That's what matters.