This month is NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time know that I attempted this last year and made it up to about 10 000 words before it all became too much for me.
This year I am not forcing myself to write any number of words - I am not participating. This does not mean that I'm not writing (though to be fair the only writing I seem to be doing lately is uni assignments). But it does mean that I am thinking more about writing than I ever have before. I no longer know why I write, yet I am having more and more ideas that I believe I could turn into something worthwhile that I love - if I write them well.
Honestly I'm scared to start anything new. I have a lot of writing and reading to do for uni. But I also know this is an excuse I am making to myself. I have a lot of time on my hands, yet it constantly seems to be filled with (mostly) necessary and important things: washing up, research, writing asssignments, reading assignments, tidying, cross-stitch (to help me unwind). And I don't know if I'm ready to compromise this state of being for my writing. Nothing will change for anyone if I never wrote another fictional word (don't worry, I'm planning on keeping the blog). It won't effect the world.
Ultimately it is my choice. And I no longer know if writing is what I want to do. I expect it will always be a part of my life, but I don't know if it can be my full life. The problem with this is that writing is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. So if I don't write, what will I do? And that is why I am still a writer, though I don't feel as much as a writer as I know I could be.
Sorry if this post seems confusing - I'm trying to explain all the thoughts and emotions and worries that are inside me and as they are a big mess, that's how they are coming out, and I think that's how they should stay. So this post is mainly me admitting to myself and to you that I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore. (And if your opinion is that that not knowing makes me not a writer, please keep it to yourself).