Band Aid 30

As usual I am behind the rest of the world, only becoming aware of the Band Aid 30 single 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' last night, and the subsequent backlash today.

I'll admit I used to have an issue with celebs making a big deal of raising for charity, but these days it is expected of them. However, I never really thought of Do They Know It's Christmas? in that way, simply because the original is one of my favourite Christmas songs.

When I listen to it, I'm not looking down upon those in famine, natural disaster, sickness, etc, I'm just being reminded that there are so many people who are struggling. As a listener, I don't worry about which Country (or Continent) the song is directed at, or why those Countries can't solve their own problems (after all, people are dying of starvation in the UK, so we're certainly can't judge).  I don't care how 'patronizing' the lyrics are (personally, I've never thought of them as such), nor who is singing what.

All this controversy is just political correctness gone mad, unfortunately a term I use a lot.  And it is a shame we are more interested in pointing fingers and blame, than appreciating that the money is being raised.

Because, at the end of the day, all that matters is that the money is being raised, and progress is being made. Who cares why, or how, as long as something is being done.  And Band Aid 30 has made me more aware of the ebola virus, so I'm struggling to see how that is a bad thing.

So watch the video.  If you like the song download (buy) the song or put it as your ringtone. Donate if you want to.  And ignore the judgement and just enjoy it for what it is.

Silence

When I moved into my flat one thing I didn’t like was I could barely hear when it rained unless it was absolutely chucking it down.  Today I realised I haven’t been sitting in the right place or allow enough silence to truly let the rain be heard.

In modern society there is no such thing as silence.  We are constantly being bombarded by music, strange noises from our phones, having the TV on ‘in the background’ – and that is just inside the house.  The only time I am really quiet is when I’m reading, and honestly I that isn’t completely silence as my mind is being filled with someone else’s words and thoughts.  And that moment between putting down the book and deciding what to do next, that moment that is only filled with silence, is not something I look forward to.

I find silence disconcerting. I don’t know how to feel or what to do when it’s too quiet, so I fill up my days with as much noise as I can find.  It’s not exactly intentional, but it’s become something necessary to feel calm and safe.

Because silence isn’t safe. Silence forces us to listen to our own thoughts without any outside input; it forces us to truly take stock of how we’re feeling. And, unfortunately, because we are so busy filling our lives with noise, we don’t always notice how run down we are, and we don’t want to know. So we fill our lives with noise.

There isn’t really a point to this post, it’s simply an observation.  I thought about making it a point that I’ll try and have my silence in my life (because I will), but honestly I don’t know whether noise isn’t just as important.

Do you make intentional time for silence? Have you found it to be helpful, or does it not really make a difference?

War

Today is remembrance Sunday, and as a Scout leader I joined the local parade and service. I used to participate in this every year when I was a teenager as part of the army cadets, but this is the first year I had a remote understanding what it is we are remembering.

As it is 100 years since the outbreak of WWI, there has been a lot of documentaries and dramas on the BBC this year.  Through these I have learned so much, often more than I could deal with emotionally.  Yet I am still aware that I have no real comprehension of life during the world wars, let alone life in the trenches.

What I do know is war is just as terrible if you are fighting on the other side.  Today the Padre said something that horrified me. He said ‘we should take pride that those young men died (during the world wars) fighting a wicked and evil enemy’.  I can understand family members feeling pride that their son fought for justice and peace.  I can understand that those who created the wars were/are wicked and evil (at least in our point of view). But I also know that those men didn’t die fighting those who had started the war; they died fighting men exactly like themselves. Those men believed they were fighting for peace and justice, just as much as our men did. War makes everyone the same, and to imply it is heroic in any sense, is to avoid the issue of the fact they are fighting for their beliefs as those on the other side are fighting for theirs.  When we remember those that gave their todays so we could live in this tomorrow, we shouldn’t only remember those from our own countries, but those from every country.

We remember so their lives weren’t given in vain, that’s what we like to tell ourselves.  Yet, to me, it seems as if we haven’t learnt anything from the horrendousness and tragedy of the world wars. People are still fighting. They say it is to maintain peace, but all I can see is death and pain and sorrow.

Being Egged and Changing the World

Halloween has always been a time associated with 'egging'. I don't mean egging in the sense of 'egging on', but rather egging someone's house. While I've known about the idea since I can remember, I've never had it happen to me, or even heard of it really happening.

I suppose technically I didn't get egged, but the bus I happened to be in, was. And, in a way, that is so much worse (although, admittedly, I did feel thankful I wasn't the one who would have to clean it up). Services like buses are there for the general public. I am a big believer in public services, whether than be buses, trains, NHS, libraries, government websites, etc. But I'm beginning to wonder if I'm alone in the belief that these services not only help those in need, but are necessary for a stable community.

I'm not going to go into the politics, as that's for people with a much better understanding of it, but I am a person who relies on many public services. Whatever you may think, those services were created for a reason, and it is people like those egging the bus (and the politicians, but again, not going there), that are causing them to wither and die. I have a feeling it was likely teenagers with nothing else to do, not surprising when you realise that almost all young people's services have already been cut.

I have to be honest, I don't know how we can ever remedy the society we are currently living in. But I believe that every person has the ability to change the world around them for better or worse by thinking before we act (and sometimes acting when we normally just think) . It might not necessarily be in a big way, but I for one hope my contribution will be positive, even if it only effects one other person.

Happiness

I am now in my fourth year of being severely ill, but the progress I've made over the past year gives me hope that one day I will be joining the rest of the world outside my door once again.

But, and this is the hard part to accept, a lot of that hope of happiness hangs on the assumption my health will improve.  While I'm not unhappy at the minute, I don't think I can ever be truly happy while this ill. I'm not saying I need perfect health - enough to work part-time and be able to see my friends and family often is all I'm asking for.  But I need my health to be happy.

I'm sure this goes against everything we are supposed to believe. We are constantly bombarded with inspirational stories where people attribute their happiness to having lived/ living through illness and pain.  Sometimes I worry I should be happy because of this experience, but the truth is I'm not.  Being ill hasn't improved my life. Yes, I am more aware of how grateful I am for the little things like being able to eat what I want and having the internet, and yes, it has led to meeting new people, some of whom have become good friends. But that doesn't mean I'm happy with my life right now.

I'm sorry if this feels depressing, that's honestly not how I mean it to come across. I simply feel others need to know that being ill doesn't mean being positive all the time, or being happy that this happened to us.  It doesn't mean we are supposed to be inspirational and appear strong all the time.  It doesn't mean we are enjoying the fact we cannot work or even go to the shops when we like.  And I'm certain I'm not the only one who feels this way (and if I am then guess I’m more of a unique little snowflake than I thought).

My Past and Future

Perhaps it's because I'm so ill, I have a habit of romanticizing the past. 

With the way my life is now, there isn't much marking time for me. Seasons are changing and half the time I don't even notice because I'm sitting inside my cosy flat, only aware of the world I am a part of through my laptop screen.  

Today I watched a video that reminded me it is fresher's week at Universities across the country.  Worse, it made me remember a few years ago when I was at uni, one of the happiest times of my life.  I'm aware I was happy because I was fairly healthy and able to go out, I had wonderful friends, and later, a wonderful boyfriend. 

Of course, I wasn't aware at the time (at least not all the time) I would remember it as being the happiest time of my life. I had depression, and I struggled to balance my life.  But that time is what I now associate happiness with.  While initially being reminded of that time hurt because it's something I no longer have, and while I could spend all my time wishing I could back, the past is the past.  It's a time in my life I can never go back to; and honestly I don't want to.  

Instead, I'm focusing on my future. Right now my health isn't great, but every day I try and remember the hope I have for my future.  I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it's not something I can simply wish into happening, but every day I can use that hope to take a small step forward to the future I want, a future filled with happiness.  I can't even imagine what that future will look like, but I know it's going to be amazing.

And I'm so super excited at the prospect of new experiences, new friends, new love.

Moving...to the Sofa

For the past year or so I have done everything in/on my bed. It has become my place to sleep, eat, watch Netflix, go online, read, stitch, etc (you get the idea). This week I have finally moved over to the sofa. It’s less than three steps away (or it would be if that side of the bed was tidy!) so isn’t far. But to me the sofa is a whole new world to explore. The main reason I wanted to move away from living in my bed is to try and recondition my mind to know that the bed is for sleeping and resting only (okay, and acts of nakedness); I’m also hoping it will help with some of the back ache I get from slouching on a bed all day.

 So far it seems to be working, though it still feels unnatural to sit on the sofa ; it’s still a decision I have to make every morning.  But I have noticed I am already a lot more motivated, especially in sorting out the flat (progress is slow, but at least it’s being made). The only real issue is the window is now directly behind me so at certain times of day I have to shut out the natural light if I wish to see the screen of my laptop; and I haven’t quite worked out the most comfortable position even with all the cushions I have to help me.

Moving from the bed to the sofa might seem like a tiny insignificant step, but for me it is a step towards the life I want to be leading. They say the only way to create change is to do something different, and so here I am, sitting on the sofa.