Words and Thoughts on Words and Thoughts

Lately I have started quite a few blog posts but they’ve only been half-thought out. So I come back to work on them, and instead of becoming clearer in my mind, they simply grow and morph into so many different points and thoughts and ideas I have no idea what I originally started out to say, let alone how to go about breaking these ever-growing well-written mind-dumps (I honestly can’t think of a better word to describe these pieces of writing) into individual blog posts. I have an idea yet somehow it gets lost in the next one and the next one, leading me to become confused. And if the writer is confused I have no doubt that unleashing these semi-formed monsters onto the interwebs would possibly detract from everything else out there, let alone actually add to it.

As a blogger I know I want to create meaningful pieces, and thoughtful pieces, and the occasional random observation to share as posts. But as a writer (and being me) I want to explore ideas and concepts and words. So far there shouldn’t be a problem, but once I get started on the exploring my hands run away with it (via typing, as opposed to my fingers running akin to the hand in Addam’s Family) and anything meaningful or thoughtful or observational gets lost in the pathway to wherever I might be heading – it doesn’t help that I haven’t got there yet so can’t even backtrack,  but I have a feeling that if I were to wait, I wouldn’t get there til my last breath which is leaving it a little late to start working out what the heck is/has/will/was go through my mind.

If I continue typing there is a very high chance this will end up just like the other posts I’ve started in the past few weeks, meaning I’ll never get to share it as I’ll be too busy getting lost under the deluge of words. So, just this once, I’m taking a breath and posting without reconsidering or pondering or generally continuing it into infinity, just so you know I haven’t forgotten you, my lovely readers, I’m simply trying to divide the masses of material I’ve suddenly acquired into something remotely understandable.  (If you have any tips on how to do this, I’d love to read them in the comments.)

Meat Mondays

Those who know me, know I’ve been a strict vegetarian for over 15 years. Those who know me really well, however, will know that for the past year I have been toying with the idea of eating meat.

When I was 11 I became vegetarian because I was concerned with how animals were kept, and in particular, killed. After about 10 years it became less about ethical reasons and more because it was part of who I was, my identity.  So seriously considering eating meat again threw me off a bit; I didn’t know what I wanted.

I believe in being true to myself, and the idea of not being a vegetarian felt as if I was turning my back on who I am. Last week I realised that if I want to eat meat then that’s who I am now. I was worried about not being true to myself, but in truth I was simply holding on to the person I used to be. A lot has changed in the last few years, and I guess this is just one more change. I never expected to eat meat again, and it’s taking a lot for me to take this step as I have a lot of pride and I dread to think of the reactions I’ll get, but I’m sure in time whatever happens will simply become the ‘norm’.

As I haven’t eaten any meat or fish (Even though I want to, I’m still not going to eat fish as I disagree with how they’re killed so can’t bring myself to) for so long, I’m going to take it very slow. On the blog-o-sphere there is “Meatless Monday” and so I thought I would do the opposite and have “Meat Monday” and only eat meat on Mondays just to see how it goes.

I have always said if anything was going to tempt it would be a ham sandwich (though in all honesty I can’t remember why) and so today that’s what I was going to have for lunch – the first meat I’ve eaten in 15 years or so. Actually, ham was the very last thing I ate when giving up meat at 2 weeks after eating vegetarian I caved and ate about half a pack of sliced ham in secret. Somehow the ham I bought got lost on the way to the fridge, but as I visited a friend, she kindly made me one. I had to bookend my vegetarianism with ham as I refused to eat anything else first. I also bought some sausage rolls (the shop didn’t have pork pies which is what I actually wanted), some chicken soup for dinner, and some jelly babies.  Even though looking at, considering, and buying meat, all feel completely weird to me, at the same time I know this is the next step in my life – I don’t know whether I’ll hate it or love it, but it’s time for me to make this change, at least for a little while.

So today I’ve eaten a ham sandwich, which tasted good though left a strange oily texture as an aftertaste.  I had some spinach and chicken pizza for dinner, still not sure what I thought of that; and some jelly babies, which honestly were not enjoyable.

Let me know if you want to follow my journey into eating meat, and post every Monday with my thoughts, let me know in the comments. Also I’d love to know if there’s anything you think I’ve been missing out on as a vegetarian.

2015 Goals

As you know, I'm not really a fan of new year's resolutions, simply because I know I'm going to set vague ones (like spend less, eat better, etc) that are impossible to actually keep. For the past few years I've been choosing 3 words at the beginning of each year to focus on. As I can't tell you without looking what the words for 2014 were, I think we can count that as a fail.  So this year I'm trying something new and setting goals for myself.  Hopefully these will be sensible and therefore possible to keep, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't manage to keep all of them.

I have only just come up with these over the past few days, so technically not starting right at the beginning of the new year, but I figure better late than never. In no particular order they are:

1.       Make an advent calendar
2.       Finish cross-stitching baby sampler
3.       Finish writing ebook
4.       Finish organising my flat
5.       Cook at least one meal from scratch each month
6.       Save min. £10 per week
7.       Read 50 books
8.       Put 1hr per week into scouting (not incl. Weekly meetings)
9.       Write a letter every Saturday

I got to nine and tried to rack my brain to come up with a tenth, as that would be a nice round number, but then I realised I wanted to make goals I wanted to meet, rather than forcing a goal upon myself just so I could have a nice round number.

I don't know how these goals will go (for the past  few years I've aimed at between 50-60 books yet never made it past 48 - this year I read 46), but it's nice to have something concrete I can focus on, and something less ambiguous than 'blog more' (though that is something I want to do).

Do you make new year's resolutions? Let me know in the comments below your hopes and dreams for 2015 and what you think of mine.

p.s. I have a post of pictures of my holiday season in mind, but unfortunately left my camera at the new year party I went to, so guess we'll just have to wait.

Band Aid 30

As usual I am behind the rest of the world, only becoming aware of the Band Aid 30 single 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' last night, and the subsequent backlash today.

I'll admit I used to have an issue with celebs making a big deal of raising for charity, but these days it is expected of them. However, I never really thought of Do They Know It's Christmas? in that way, simply because the original is one of my favourite Christmas songs.

When I listen to it, I'm not looking down upon those in famine, natural disaster, sickness, etc, I'm just being reminded that there are so many people who are struggling. As a listener, I don't worry about which Country (or Continent) the song is directed at, or why those Countries can't solve their own problems (after all, people are dying of starvation in the UK, so we're certainly can't judge).  I don't care how 'patronizing' the lyrics are (personally, I've never thought of them as such), nor who is singing what.

All this controversy is just political correctness gone mad, unfortunately a term I use a lot.  And it is a shame we are more interested in pointing fingers and blame, than appreciating that the money is being raised.

Because, at the end of the day, all that matters is that the money is being raised, and progress is being made. Who cares why, or how, as long as something is being done.  And Band Aid 30 has made me more aware of the ebola virus, so I'm struggling to see how that is a bad thing.

So watch the video.  If you like the song download (buy) the song or put it as your ringtone. Donate if you want to.  And ignore the judgement and just enjoy it for what it is.

Silence

When I moved into my flat one thing I didn’t like was I could barely hear when it rained unless it was absolutely chucking it down.  Today I realised I haven’t been sitting in the right place or allow enough silence to truly let the rain be heard.

In modern society there is no such thing as silence.  We are constantly being bombarded by music, strange noises from our phones, having the TV on ‘in the background’ – and that is just inside the house.  The only time I am really quiet is when I’m reading, and honestly I that isn’t completely silence as my mind is being filled with someone else’s words and thoughts.  And that moment between putting down the book and deciding what to do next, that moment that is only filled with silence, is not something I look forward to.

I find silence disconcerting. I don’t know how to feel or what to do when it’s too quiet, so I fill up my days with as much noise as I can find.  It’s not exactly intentional, but it’s become something necessary to feel calm and safe.

Because silence isn’t safe. Silence forces us to listen to our own thoughts without any outside input; it forces us to truly take stock of how we’re feeling. And, unfortunately, because we are so busy filling our lives with noise, we don’t always notice how run down we are, and we don’t want to know. So we fill our lives with noise.

There isn’t really a point to this post, it’s simply an observation.  I thought about making it a point that I’ll try and have my silence in my life (because I will), but honestly I don’t know whether noise isn’t just as important.

Do you make intentional time for silence? Have you found it to be helpful, or does it not really make a difference?

War

Today is remembrance Sunday, and as a Scout leader I joined the local parade and service. I used to participate in this every year when I was a teenager as part of the army cadets, but this is the first year I had a remote understanding what it is we are remembering.

As it is 100 years since the outbreak of WWI, there has been a lot of documentaries and dramas on the BBC this year.  Through these I have learned so much, often more than I could deal with emotionally.  Yet I am still aware that I have no real comprehension of life during the world wars, let alone life in the trenches.

What I do know is war is just as terrible if you are fighting on the other side.  Today the Padre said something that horrified me. He said ‘we should take pride that those young men died (during the world wars) fighting a wicked and evil enemy’.  I can understand family members feeling pride that their son fought for justice and peace.  I can understand that those who created the wars were/are wicked and evil (at least in our point of view). But I also know that those men didn’t die fighting those who had started the war; they died fighting men exactly like themselves. Those men believed they were fighting for peace and justice, just as much as our men did. War makes everyone the same, and to imply it is heroic in any sense, is to avoid the issue of the fact they are fighting for their beliefs as those on the other side are fighting for theirs.  When we remember those that gave their todays so we could live in this tomorrow, we shouldn’t only remember those from our own countries, but those from every country.

We remember so their lives weren’t given in vain, that’s what we like to tell ourselves.  Yet, to me, it seems as if we haven’t learnt anything from the horrendousness and tragedy of the world wars. People are still fighting. They say it is to maintain peace, but all I can see is death and pain and sorrow.

Being Egged and Changing the World

Halloween has always been a time associated with 'egging'. I don't mean egging in the sense of 'egging on', but rather egging someone's house. While I've known about the idea since I can remember, I've never had it happen to me, or even heard of it really happening.

I suppose technically I didn't get egged, but the bus I happened to be in, was. And, in a way, that is so much worse (although, admittedly, I did feel thankful I wasn't the one who would have to clean it up). Services like buses are there for the general public. I am a big believer in public services, whether than be buses, trains, NHS, libraries, government websites, etc. But I'm beginning to wonder if I'm alone in the belief that these services not only help those in need, but are necessary for a stable community.

I'm not going to go into the politics, as that's for people with a much better understanding of it, but I am a person who relies on many public services. Whatever you may think, those services were created for a reason, and it is people like those egging the bus (and the politicians, but again, not going there), that are causing them to wither and die. I have a feeling it was likely teenagers with nothing else to do, not surprising when you realise that almost all young people's services have already been cut.

I have to be honest, I don't know how we can ever remedy the society we are currently living in. But I believe that every person has the ability to change the world around them for better or worse by thinking before we act (and sometimes acting when we normally just think) . It might not necessarily be in a big way, but I for one hope my contribution will be positive, even if it only effects one other person.