My Past and Future

Perhaps it's because I'm so ill, I have a habit of romanticizing the past. 

With the way my life is now, there isn't much marking time for me. Seasons are changing and half the time I don't even notice because I'm sitting inside my cosy flat, only aware of the world I am a part of through my laptop screen.  

Today I watched a video that reminded me it is fresher's week at Universities across the country.  Worse, it made me remember a few years ago when I was at uni, one of the happiest times of my life.  I'm aware I was happy because I was fairly healthy and able to go out, I had wonderful friends, and later, a wonderful boyfriend. 

Of course, I wasn't aware at the time (at least not all the time) I would remember it as being the happiest time of my life. I had depression, and I struggled to balance my life.  But that time is what I now associate happiness with.  While initially being reminded of that time hurt because it's something I no longer have, and while I could spend all my time wishing I could back, the past is the past.  It's a time in my life I can never go back to; and honestly I don't want to.  

Instead, I'm focusing on my future. Right now my health isn't great, but every day I try and remember the hope I have for my future.  I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it's not something I can simply wish into happening, but every day I can use that hope to take a small step forward to the future I want, a future filled with happiness.  I can't even imagine what that future will look like, but I know it's going to be amazing.

And I'm so super excited at the prospect of new experiences, new friends, new love.

Moving...to the Sofa

For the past year or so I have done everything in/on my bed. It has become my place to sleep, eat, watch Netflix, go online, read, stitch, etc (you get the idea). This week I have finally moved over to the sofa. It’s less than three steps away (or it would be if that side of the bed was tidy!) so isn’t far. But to me the sofa is a whole new world to explore. The main reason I wanted to move away from living in my bed is to try and recondition my mind to know that the bed is for sleeping and resting only (okay, and acts of nakedness); I’m also hoping it will help with some of the back ache I get from slouching on a bed all day.

 So far it seems to be working, though it still feels unnatural to sit on the sofa ; it’s still a decision I have to make every morning.  But I have noticed I am already a lot more motivated, especially in sorting out the flat (progress is slow, but at least it’s being made). The only real issue is the window is now directly behind me so at certain times of day I have to shut out the natural light if I wish to see the screen of my laptop; and I haven’t quite worked out the most comfortable position even with all the cushions I have to help me.

Moving from the bed to the sofa might seem like a tiny insignificant step, but for me it is a step towards the life I want to be leading. They say the only way to create change is to do something different, and so here I am, sitting on the sofa.

Angry and Frustrated

The other day I noticed I haven't been  my usual, happy self recently. To be honest, especially around strangers I've been rude and crotchety.  Of course, this isn't how I want to be, as I've always made it a priority to smile and be pleasant as doing so can have incredible (and wonderful) effects on others, and even if not, you know you've done your best to improve their day.

The problem is, even though I've become aware of it, I still feel a churning anger and frustration inside me. As it's so big, it has become hard not to just react in that way whenever someone irritates me (and to be honest, at the minute, most people irritate me).  I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will go away soon, as this is not the person i want to be.

Until then I'm going to try and tame my temper and smile at everyone no matter what. Do you have any tricks to keep yourself pleasant when you really don't want to be?

A New Interest

If you follow my book blog Captivated by Books, then you'll know that this week I've been participating in a read-a-thon, and yesterday I finished a collection of short stories by H.G. Wells.

I've wanted to read The Time Machine for quite a while now, after all, it's an iconic story that everyone's heard of; so when I saw it sitting on my shelf at my parent's I picked it up. I have to admit it wasn't what I expected (mainly because I'd seen a film of it that wasn't remotely like the story), and nor was it my favourite story in the book.  However, the whole book itself has opened up my world.

The way in which Wells tells his stories, and the imagination of those stories is just incredible.  I've never been that into science-fiction beyond Doctor Who (so excited for the new episode tonight, but as I don't have TV will have to wait til it's on iPlayer); I think I likely discarded it in my teens for some reason or other. But now I'm realising my tastes may have changed to include science-fiction. Of course I'm aware that not all writers and stories are created equal, but I'm finding myself desperate to lap up any sci-fi I can find, particularly in the form of books and TV shows. I've started watching Stargate Atlantis (as it's on Netflix) ,which a few years ago I wasn't remotely interested in; I don't know if I like it yet but am giving it a fighting chance.

The thing is, I don't really know what sci-fi is out there. So this post is mainly to ask for suggestions of authors or books or shows or films from those of you who already love science-fiction.  And the other part of this post is simply to share my new enthusiasm. Don't you love it when you discover something 'new' that just lights up your mind? I know I do, and I'm so glad I decided to finally read some Wells - I will definitely be reading the rest of his works.

Facebook and the Past and Future

Lately I have started spending more time on Facebook,.  While I've been on Facebook for years, I only really used it for games and photo sharing and organising events.  Somehow over the past couple of months, I've begun using it to be a part of discussions - both in groups and on status's. This has led to me updating my status occasionally and sharing my views, and honestly I think that's why I haven't been blogging as much - it's not that I can't think of anything to say, but that I have already said it in a condensed version somewhere else.  But I love blogging, so don't worry, I will likely always find my way back here.

On Facebook at the moment, many people seem to be using something called 'Time Hop' which is an app that shows you what you've posted to your Facebook wall on the same date in previous years, and then reposts it for you.  This might just be my friends, but I doubt it.  However, I refuse to use it, simply because I don't want to live in the past; I am much more excited about the present and the future.  If we all just post what we've posted before, what new content will there be, both now and if you continue using 'Time Hop'?

There is nothing wrong with looking back and remembering and learning from the past.  But if that's all we focus on, we cannot move forward as individuals or as a society.  I don't know about you, but discovery is one of those things that energizes me. I love watching documentaries, not because I want to follow the past, but because I need the new (to me) information. I need to keep learning and exploring, and I cannot do that if I only look back.  I also happen to think that we live in an amazing (if slightly terrifying) fast-paced world where change is happening quicker than ever. I might not be the first to try out new phones or ipods, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to seeing where we're going.

So this post did sway a little from my topic in the last paragraph, but that is what I love about writing and blogging - I can start in one place and it will lead me to a choice of many paths of ideas.

Do you use Time Hop? Either way, let me know what you think of the constant deluge of the past we seem to keep posting on  places like Facebook.

Melded Days and Hope

Lately my days, weeks, and months are melding together. Multiple times a day I have to double-check what day it is, as it never feels like the day it actually is any more. And now that Scouts have finished for Summer, there is nothing to remind me when it's the weekend. Of course, most of my days are the same - resting, reading, writing, resting, sleeping, watching TV shows or films, resting, creating, etc - so it's not a big deal, but I still find it irritating to not even be able to remember what day of the week it is.

The last time time slid like this for me, was the end of my first year at University, one of the happiest times of my life (I was able to sleep and go out when I felt like it, and had just started dating Chris).  Right now there are many reasons why I'm not as happy now as I was then, but I've found this melding of time means it's a lot easier to accept life and my limitations.  I know it's not a sustainable way of living, but for now I'm letting time glide by me as it's both relaxing and rejuvenating me, and has made space for hope to creep back into my life.

A Miracle Day

Today I went to my local grocery stores (using my electric scooter as always). It doesn't sound a lot, but to me it was more like a miracle.

On Friday evening I went to the Scouts meeting as I usually manage every other week. On Saturday I spent 10 hours at a local event which Scouts was a part of. I don't even remember the last time I got up at 7 am. While there I mostly sat in the tent showing kids how to decorate biscuits. Though, to be honest, not many seemed that interested as there were bouncy castles right next to us.

If I had attempted such a long day a few months ago I would have been bedbound for at least a few days at the very least. And that's what I expected this time - I felt it would be well worth it to be a part of a Scout activity that wasn't just the regular meeting.  I am in a lot more pain and more exhausted than usual, but I am still functioning enough to make myself lunch without an issue and still managed to go out today.  I am planning on spending most of this week resting, but I have to admit I'm in a bit of shock at how little my weekend seems to have affected me (of course, I could be saying this prematurely as response symptoms don't always arrive straight away, though for me it is usually 2 days later which would be today).

I know I have been saying to people that I am slowly improving. It's something I am constantly telling myself as well, I think as I still can't fully believe it.  That's why it's so important to document when something like this happens, to show me as much as you that it's true and I really am improving.  Still a very long way to go before I can live any semblance of 'normal' life but I am stepping forward and that's enough for now.