Playing Catch-Up

Today is M.E. Awareness Day and begins M.E. Awareness week. I was planning on having some helpful posts put up this week, but last week I was so ill that everything in my life has fallen behind.  In some ways this explains how M.E. affects my life more than any 'inspirational' story I could come up with.

With M.E. any periods of not-complete-awfulness are spent trying to catch up with the world (job, friends, driving, etc).

Even when I'm starting to see improvement (finally), and believing there is hope (finally), it is so easy for it to be ripped away again. I spent most of last week lying down or asleep; not watching anything, not listening to anything, only getting up to go to the toilet and get food (and I know I am lucky every time I am able to stand up) - in general I just existed day after day, waiting for life to be able to try and catch up with the online world (as I have already fallen so deep I no longer know if I can ever catch up with the real world).

Obviously I'm lucky that not every day is this bad any more, but M.E. means that for the rest of my life any semblance of life I've built could (and probably will) come crashing down around me at some point, and once again I'll fall behind.

My Childhood Nightmare: Memories That Have Made Me

So much has happened in my life already, and a lot of those experiences have stayed with me.  They are not all monumentous, nor are they all life changing.  But every single one of them (and the countless more that are buried deep within me) have made me who I am. 
 I hope others will join in with me and post their own memories on their blogs (or in the comments).  I will be posting mine every Friday, but it doesn’t matter when you write yours or if you wish to do them fortnightly or monthly – your writing should fit with your schedule.  If you do join I ask that you link to my blog with this link: http://emptythoughtsrewritten.blogspot.co.uk (until I’ve worked out how to create a button for you to display) and that you will link your POST (not just your blog link please) in the comments each week (until I’ve worked out how to make a linky thing for you to add your links to – I’m really not very tech-savvy!).

When I was a child, about 10 or 11, I had a reoccurring nightmare. It always started with me playing with my best friend at the time, Mary-Ann – who just happened to live with me in the dream – in my back garden. As we are playing, we found some eggs that had been left by dinosaurs (as you do); instead of getting rid of them or telling an adult we decide to keep them safe under the stairs. When they hatched, out popped some cute little monsters (it’s a dream, just go with it), which we happily played with. Then one day the monsters weren’t little and cute anymore, but big and dangerous – as I found out when they ate Mary-Ann and then my family.

When I looked at the actual dream I never understood why it scared me so much, as logically it’s a fairly average dream. But it wasn’t the dream, so much as the feeling I was left with, that terrified me. I would wake up not only scared, but guilty that I had caused the disaster, and this feeling refused to go away for quite a while.

I don’t know how many times I had that nightmare, but it never got less terrifying. I have no idea how to interpret it (if you have any ideas please leave them in the comments), nor why it suddenly stopped.

I don’t really have nightmares that often now, at least not ones I can remember. I know I dream a lot of the time, but I’m rarely able to hold on to them long enough to know what actually happened. But the ‘big’ dreams are the ones which leave me with a feeling. Admittedly, it isn’t usually a pleasant feeling, and not remembering the specifics of why I’m feeling it creates confusion, but the intensity of those feelings always surprise me and remind me each time how powerful the subconscious is.

So, my reiterating my childhood nightmare seems to have turned into some kind of psychological ramble, oops.  I’d love to know if you also experience intense feelings when you wake from a dream; and if you’ve ever had a reoccurring dream. Let me know in the comments.

Morning Expermentations

I have had the same morning routine – breakfast, coffee, reading, rest, get up properly – for the past few years. While I do still find it relaxing, I’m beginning to feel it’s no longer inspiring or productive. So I’ve decided to try experimenting with it a little.

This morning I’ve had my breakfast and coffee while playing Candy Crush and Sudoku on my phone (something that has snuck into my routine over the past year) to wake me up. But instead of picking up my book, here I am, writing this on my laptop. For the next week (at least) I’m going to try getting some writing done before properly starting my day; in the hopes I will actually start being a bit more productive again.  I miss getting things written, rather than just having notes flying around my notebook and my mind.  I have so many ideas and I need to find a way to make myself let them out.

My main worry is I’ll forget to read to during the day, as for so long it’s been something I start and finish my day with; but I’m sure I can find a way to work it into my day. On the other hand, I’m sure getting something written first thing (even if it’s just my 750 words) will inspire me to do more with each day.  After a week or so I will come back and see if I need to continue experimenting, or whether this new morning routine works for me.

Do you have a morning routine? How often do you stop and notice whether it’s still working for you?

Home Again

I got back home on Saturday night.  Since then I have wanted to blog, but honestly I don't know what to write. While I was away I was filled with inspiration and motivation, which was truly wonderful.  Some of it is still inside me, but to be honest, slipping back into habits (good and bad) seems to have been unavoidable since I got back.

It has taken me a few days to get used to being home, and I'm still not used to having internet again - I have a lot of tabs open right now - as I feel like I need to read everything right this moment. In some cases this has prevented me from falling into a chocolate stupor (even if I don't celebrate Easter, chocolate is still inevitable). In other cases it's been less helpful.

So yes, I'm still getting used to being home, especially as I have so many new plans and ideas from when I was on holiday. I'm certain I can implement at least some of these, but I'll probably have to find a way to stop going on Pinterest first.

De-stressing

As you've probably realised, this year I have been both up and down (sometimes all in the same day), and honestly I have no idea of where I'm headed or even what goals I want to have.

For the following two weeks I will be away on holiday with my family.  Apparently there is no internet signal where we are staying. When I first heard that I did panic a little as most of my life is online, but I also know that when it comes down to it, as long as I have books (so glad I have a Kindle now as it takes up a lot less space), cross stitch, and a way to write (paper and laptop), I won't really miss the internet.  In fact, I am taking this opportunity to spend some time with myself and with my family, away from the stresses of the every day. I want to say I hope it helps me work out where to go from here, but honestly I don't know where I hope it leads me, I guess we'll just have to wait and find out.

Tired

I am so tired.

I am tired of living in my bed. I am tired of not being able to have a job. I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of doing nothing. Mostly I'm tired of living a life of existing and surviving.

Life wasn't supposed to be this hard. I wasn't supposed to be trapped inside my body unable to live a 'normal' life. I wasn't supposed to have to spend all my energy on fighting myself just to keep on living.

So yes, I'm bloody tired.

I also know that wishing this wasn't my life isn't helping anyone. Most of the time I am able to accept that; this is the life I have to live.  But every now and then it's okay not to be happy with the situation I'm in.  Every now and then it's okay to hate the life I've been stuck with.

Tomorrow will be a new day, a new start. Today I'm hate this existence for it isn't living. Tomorrow I will remember I'm able to live, at least a little bit, and that will be enough - tomorrow.

Treacled Mind

While I wouldn't necessarily classify today as a 'bad' day, it definitely isn't a 'good' day. My first thought was it felt like my body was in a vat of treacle as I have to struggle through every movement. However, this isn't exactly right, as while my body is heavy, it can move like usual. Instead of my body moving through treacle, it's my mind that has to use the effort it would need if I was stuck in treacle (just to clarify, this is all based on assumption as I've never actually been stuck in a vat of treacle!); every movement requires almost all my concentration and mental energy regardless of how it physically feels.

I don't have these days too often, and yet when I have them I find I am more inspired than usual. The prolonged stillness and struggle to even form thoughts somehow leaves space for the really interesting stuff to rise in my mind. Of course, I then have to decide whether it's worth the pain and struggle of writing it down (I am trying to get into using my dictaphone but I'm really bad at remembering to check it afterwards) as otherwise it will quickly sink, being swallowed by the treacle encasing my mind.