It is no secret that I have really struggled this year. Nothing has gone as planned and I have been left disorientated and lost as to where to go next. Truth be told I believed that I had reached bottom and that, while the New Year wouldn't make anything magically right (though if there is a fairy out there with magic to spare, please feel free to wave your wand in my direction), I thought it couldn't get worse.
And then today I open a letter that tells me a 'friend' has passed away. I can't really say she was a friend as I'd never met her or even heard from her. But I have been writing to her for the past few years as she was a fellow M.E. sufferer, and I felt as though I almost knew her - after all, she was a part of my life. And now she isn't there, receiving my letters with a smile.
Kelly died almost two months ago, but I didn't know until now (her mother didn't want to tell me before Christmas) so it feels like it has just happened - because it has just happened, to me. I know I am being selfish by saying that this is effecting me, and I can't imagine the pain her family and friends are in. But the truth is that it has affected me, though I am not yet sure how.
This year has been bad, as I've said; and I believed it couldn't get worse, but this is just a reminder that things can always get worse. Nothing goes to plan and life goes on. I don't mean to ruin the New Year spirit (and I am still completely hopeful that next year will be better) but I needed to share this today, rather than the planned post on my words for 2013 (which I will now post tomorrow). I needed to put it into words, so that I can continue believing that the future is full of possibilities. So I can create a close on a very bad year, and make way for a Spring that I desperately need to arrive in my life.
I don't know if next year will just bring more pain and loss. I don't know if anything in my life will ever go the way I dream it will. But I do know that I have no other choice than to believe that it will get better, as it's the only way I can face each day.
I hope 2012 has been wonderful for you. And that if it hasn't (and if it has!), that 2013 will be better and truly amazing. The future is uncertain. Life is uncertain. But we have to keep moving forward as life will change around us regardless of what we want. Perhaps by taking a step we can find ourselves looking on a brighter future.