Starting

"I write every day. Especially when I don't feel like it. Especially when it's not working. I can always choose to not use something that I wrote and that I realize later is the wrong tone, doesn't fit, contradicts other parts. I can't decide to use something that isn't written. I can't use something that is still in my head. Better to have something come out half right than have all of it perfectly in my skull."

I read this paragraph by Sean Ferrell and just had to share his words with you.  Read the beginning again.  See what he wrote?  That he writes even when he doesn't want to.  One day I hope that will be me saying that but at the moment, I write sometimes, usually when there's a deadline at uni.  But what about after uni or during the summer?  This summer I am going to try and write almost every day - it would never work if I say every day as I know that that's unattainable (what with my fabulous M.E. and everything) so I'm going to say almost every day.  Even if I write rubbish, even if all I manage is a blog post; yes, I count this as writing - it's putting one word infront of another, in an order of my choosing, to tell the world...something, it is writing.

But before I even start I am beginning to panic - where will all this motivation come from?  Will I be able to keep writing even when I don't want to, what if I'd rather watch tv or snuggle up with a good book (or my very snuggly man)?  And then I realise that these will all happen - there will be times when I don't want to write, probably times when I don't write.  But if I worry about that now, I may never start trying to write every day.  I could put it off, but that will get me no where.  Only I can motivate myself, and I want to write, I want to be a writer, so I am going to be one.  And that is how a decision is made.

P.S. This is my 100th post, I'm amazed I've mangaged to go on this long.

Moving On

Today, after almost two months, I took down my birthday cards - and that was only really because a few of them had started falling down.  It gave the message that perhaps it was time to take them down.  It was quite a sad moment really - it is no longer my birthday, in fact, it was so long ago, that it won't be long before I'm looking forward to the next birthday (though Christmas is coming first - sorry, just had to scare you there).  But it is surprising how fast time seems to move.  When you are living it, the time seems to take forever, every moment is excruciatingly long (unless you are lucky enough to be enjoying that particular moment and then, I'll admit, it can go fast).  But before you know it, the end of uni is upon you (ok, so I have another year but I now have three months of no uni, no commitments), the next year and life has moved on.  So we can choose to stay locked up in memories or embrace the present (including all those moments you wish would hurry up and be over) and the future.  We don't know what will happen and I appreciate having something to look forward to - I don't know where I'll be in 5, 10 years time and I don't want to know because, for me, knowing takes away some of the discovery of life.

My Guilty Pleasure

OK, I'm going to let you in on my secret.  I would say you can't tell anyone but who are we kidding - this is the internet.  Anyway, my secret is...hold your breath...DIY home shows.  Yep, when I'm in the right frame of mind (which seems to be quite often) I change my tv to the Home Channel and watch as interior designers and the like create fabulous homes.  I don't really understand this obsession - I know I can't afford most of the things they do (I wouldn't be able to afford the designer to begin with) and I don't even have a property to change or make into a home.  But when I need cheering up or something to focus on (and sometimes just some background noise) that's what I do.  That's my guilty pleasure.  But I think we all need something to make us feel better, however bizarre, as long as it doesn't harm anyone , guilty pleasures are definitely things worth having.

Rose Tinted Specs

I have sunglasses that have a slightly pinkish tinge - real rose tinted glasses if you will.  When I wear them all the colours seem brighter somehow and hair becomes magical (I have a thing for red/auburn hair) as if there is any hint of red in there, my glasses bring it to the surface.  But I have found these glasses to be a curse as much as a blessing.  OK so they're not like my boyfriend's sunglasses which just make everything grey - seriously, who wants the world to turn grey around them?

Today was the first time I noticed that they can become a curse.  It hasn't been a bad day, nor a particulaly good day.  But the constant reminder that the world was bright and shiny made me feel crabby and frustrated, because I know I'm not like that.  I don't have the perfect coloured hair (which wasn't that good a colour when looked at without the glasses), I didn't want the sky to be bright blue.  You get the gist - I was only seeing the world through my rose tinted specs and it was making me feel worse about myself because I couldn't see myself through those same specs.  I'm sure if I had taken my glasses off the world would have returned to its normal dreariness.

So seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses, while it can be useful, is not highly recommended when you are feeling any shadows of self-doubt as it will increase these negative feelings you have yourself.  See the world as it is - not everything is bright and shiny, but equally not everything is a disaster.  The world is what it is and you need to accept it as it is as well as yourself within that world.  (I am of course not referring to the way we destroy the world with pollution and litter etc when I say we need to accept it as it is.)

Sunday Shout Out

I realise I haven't been updating this blog as often as I'd like and I could offer many explanations but you're probably not interested in my excuses (because let's face it, they are all excuses).  Instead I'll send you off to another blog Aspie Rebel written by a teenage boy with Asperger's Syndrome.  It offers an different look at what many people can't understand and it can also, at times, be highly entertaining.  At the moment there is a guest blogger writing the story of Algar (the blog owner) in Wonderland - a retelling addition of Lewis Carroll's story with an Aspergic (not sure if that's a word - apologies if not) twist.  Hope you all enjoy.

Rules of Being a Slob

1.  Do not get up till after midday, the later the better.
2.  Do not change out of your pjs or at least wear your baggiest, most unattractive clothing.
3.  Do not cook - eat either left-overs, breakfast cereals or snack foods (chocolate is compulsory).
4.  Feel free to drop your food down your front, over the floor, in the bed, on the sofa - wherever you happen to be eating (not the dinner table).
5.  Watch re-runs of any tv show that will make you feel depressed/weepy/jealous.
6.  When the characters don't do what you tell them to do, throw handfuls of food at the tv.
7.  Don't wash or brush your hair; leave it to matte and feel gross.
8.  Remember that you hate the world, you rebuff anything that involves sunshine or fresh air.
9.  Don't answer the phone but complain to the answer-machine that no one loves you when they don't leave messages, or the 'wrong' messages.
10.  If possible, don't leave the bed and carry out all your activities in that one place (except going to the toilet - that's pushing the limit), leave your mess to pile up so you can see it and remember that you are a slob.

Happy St. George's Day

Hey all, sorry I haven't posted in so long but am back at uni now and finding work catching up with me.  Anyway, Happy St. George's Day - I'm pleased to see in my town one or two shops supporting it and I couldn't resist buying a white cowboy hat with a red felt cross across the top.  And yes, I will be celebrating with a quick drink at the pub with a few friends (whether I am well enough or not).  Hope you enjoy your day.

And Happy Birthday to my Mum - I love you lots, have a great day x

Mental Block

Why is it that when you want to write - either because you need to due to deadlines or you just really want to get some words on paper - your mind decides not to make sense of anything?  That is the phrase I am in at the moment.  I really do want to write and I also really need to write but I just can't motivate myself to start.  My mind is finding other things to distract it - things that are complete time-wasters.  So I'm not getting anything done and feeling guilty about that but I just can't get my mind to slow down enough that I can work out what is wrong.  Is it just me that gets these mental blocks?  I refuse to admit I have writer's block as I hate that term, I don't believe in it and it isn't just applying to my writing now - it is a block against anything remotely productive and I have no idea how to get my head out of this funk - any ideas would be very welcome.

Manners

Sometimes I really don't understand our society.  Instead of saying what we are thinking, we boil inside (or bitch about it to someone else).  Take today for example.  The boiler man came round at 8am.  He should have come yesterday.  No wait, he was originally supposed to come over the weekend (last weekend not this weekend).  So first of all he is about a week late.  And then he turns up at 8am.  Instead of knocking and letting everyone know that he is now turning off the water he used his keys to get in then just turned the water off for the day.  Meaning no one could go to the bathroom, brush their teeth, wash-up - you get the idea.  He wasn't quiet.  He woke me and my boyfriend up and it wasn't long before the housemates were awake too.  We hadn't been told he'd need to check the radiators in every room.  We'd been told it would last a few hours maximum.  And you know what - he hasn't finished yet, he is coming tomorrow at 7.30am to work for the rest of the day and hopefully he will be done.  Two days!  Two days without water.  Ok, we have water now but only cold water and that will be turned off at some ridiculously early hour (hello, we're students and we're on our break).  So what do we do about it?  We are very polite to the boiler man who has just screwed up our day but inwardly we are all cursing.  Please explain!   Are we really a society that will accept whatever happens to us as we can't be bothered/don't want to cause a fuss/are worried how we appear to others to let them know that they have upset us?  And is that really better?

Borders is Back

Today I received a message from Books etc letting me know that they (a subset of Borders) are back selling books online.  Not only that but if you register before the end of April then you will be entitled to 5% future purchases FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  So, being as I'm a lovely person, I thought I would share this with you all as I know at least some of you will be interested.

Post Pals

I just wanted to tell you about Post Pals which is a site dedicated to making the lives of children suffering from serious illnesses and their families better.  The site enables you to send post eg. letters, cards, gifts to the children to bring smiles to their faces.  As someone who has found themselves stuck at home I know how important post can be to your day.

What I particularly like about this site is that it runs events throughout the year such as themed gift sets where volunteers send a package to a designated child, usually a sibling of a child with a serious illness.  I think this is really important as so often these siblings are forgotten as the trauma of having to deal with an ill child hits the family.  If you would like to participate or find out more please email Lorna Rogers at lornarogers@hotmail.com.  I for one will be sending a princess/fairy themed box this May as a surprise for a little girl - can't wait to get shopping.

Balance

For the past week I've been in holiday mode.  I went home and saw my family and decided that it wouldn't make much difference if I gave myself a little break from my uni work (aka my writing).  The problem was that when I got back I stayed in holiday mode and didn't really feel like doing anything.  In fact I indulged myself for an entire week.

But today  I decided that now was the time to start (I know it's a bank holiday but to me it is a Monday) and I feel so much better now that I have written those 1000 words.  It isn't really that much and I know I could write so much more but the point is, I am still on my break.  I still want to get everything done but I am not planning on rushing myself, I have organised ample time in my mind to get everything written with time to edit as well as some personal things I want to get done and some housework.  I have found the trick is to not get into one mode or another.  Enjoy your free time but don't extend and extend and extend indefinitely - the longer you extend your break from everything, the harder it is to go back to doing whatever it is you are taking a break from.  Make time for work and play, but expect to have to practice quite a lot before you find the perfect balance for you.

Sunday Shout Out

For this Easter Sunday I am not giving you chocolate (hate me all you want) but sending you a treat by pointing you towards Kess's blog The Passing Place.  I was going to leave it as I know that she has many things on in her life but now is possibly one of the better times to stop by and start following as she has made a pledge to herself and her readers to post something every day for the month of April - I am looking forward to it but don't worry Kess I am not expecting something complex with a lot of thought.  Instead I am looking forward to more of her straight honest style and a peek into someone else's life, especially someone who is almost family.

And that last remark is not only meant as part of my blogging family (though she is a dear friend in the blogging world).  Wait for it...
Spud is my brother.
If you are not a regular reader of her blog this may not mean much to you but Kess and Spud are engaged and I am very happy knowing that they will be together for a very long time :)  If you didn't know this then perhaps you should get over there and catch up.

Thinking Time

Lately I have spent a lot of time with other people - with my family and with my boyfriend.  Not all this time has been constantly togetherness but I have still begun to feel stifled.  I have become confused about who I am and what I want and today I figured out why.

I am still the same person but I have had far too little time to realise this.  All my time has been influenced by others, even if not directly, then by me being in their personal space.  So I am going to make an effort to create a little space for my thoughts, a little time to myself with no one and nothing else cluttering my mind.  I need that time to figure things out (though not always consciously).

Do you find that if you are always busy and/or with others that you become lost in a world of confusion?  Or have you learnt the balance between yourself and others that you no longer need to keep a little space for yourself?