Sunday Shout Out: Maltesers' Teasers

As you all know, I love chocolate. Over the past year I have switched mostly to dark chocolate with the aim of not eating as much as I was properly. Unfortunately, it seems that Maltesers are determined to jeopardize my weight-loss plans by creating one of the best, most addictive chocolate snacks.  The Teasers bar is so good that I am trying not to buy them any more (but failing) as it's so hard to keep myself in check and not devour the whole bar straight away. However, if you're willing to eat it all, then this is one chocolate bar you have to try.

MTHMM - Summer Memories

So much has happened in my life already, and a lot of those experiences have stayed with me.  They are not all monumentous, nor are they all life changing.  But every single one of them (and the countless more that are buried deep within me) have made me who I am.  

I hope others will join in with me and post their own memories on their blogs (or in the comments).  I will be posting mine every Friday, but it doesn’t matter when you write yours or if you wish to do them fortnightly or monthly – your writing should fit with your schedule.  If you do join I ask that you link to my blog (until I’ve worked out how to create a button for you to display) and that you will link your POST (not just your blog link please) in the comments each week.

This past week has been very summery with lots of sunshine and blue skies, and it's got me remembering Summer as a teenager.

I was a shy, book-obsessed, teacher's pet, if you can imagine it, and I hated Summer holidays. Usually I would spend almost every day doing nothing but reading, often forgetting to eat as I was so wrapped up in my books. But to be honest, most of my Summer memories happened at school.

I remember eating lunch outside with my friends, sometimes having grass fights (not too often as one of my friends was allergic to grass), sometimes having water fights.  In the case of the latter it would often mean having to sit though the last lesson with t-shirts and trousers soaking wet. I don't remember ever getting into trouble for it, but it wouldn't surprise me if we did, as afterwards we would all be hyped up, energetic and laughing so much that it must have been disruptive.

When we were in Sixth Form (at the same High School), we would sit on our grassy spot during free periods, studying.  It's much easier to study in fresh air than in a musty room, and it worked for us.

All those times have sort of amalgamated into one. It was the time I was care-free, without much worry, and certainly not full of the difficulties I have now (though I had M.E. during the last few years of High School, meaning I went part-time, it didn't affect my ability to sit on the grass with my friends). It was a time when I would freeze my water bottle overnight so it stayed cool all through the day, when I was learning to de-stress and simply enjoy.  I have never been a Summer person, so perhaps that's why my best Summer memories were those at school, when Summer was just beginning, when I could sit in the shade and there was still a decent breeze; a time when I was reasonably happy.

What are your summer memories?

My Weight Issues

For most of my life I have taken pride in the fact that I had no issues with my body. Growing up, I wasn’t the skinniest or fattest (though I was the shortest), but I was happy with who I was and how I looked – I honestly didn’t care what other people thought.  And for that reason I haven’t written much about how weight-gain due to M.E. has affected me emotionally. I have been ashamed of my feelings, because I haven't been happy with my appearance.  However, after reading this post by Katie Brook, I knew I had to also share my story, to enable others in this position to know they are not alone, so here it is.

Four years ago I started to seriously struggle more with my health, and consequently started doing less. I stopped dancing and I only went out to go to classes at University. The next year (just after I finished University) I became ill and since then have been severely affected by my M.E. I stopped going out unless it was in a wheelchair. I didn’t even cook most evenings anymore, or stand up in the shower.  But my diet didn’t change, and so I started putting on weight.

I didn’t even notice at first, as despite everything I was still able to focus on the positives, and I kept the belief that this was just a temporary blip.  But a year went by and nothing got better. My boyfriend and I broke up, and I became more depressed.  This was when I first started not liking my body anymore; and the worst part was that I felt guilty for caring about something so shallow.

I continued putting on weight and became even unhappier with my appearance.  To be honest, it isn’t the weight that bothers me, so much as struggling to find clothes that fit (being short and round is not helpful for this), let alone anything that looks flattering.  And I constantly struggle with the guilt. I have guilt that how I look bothers me, as I know it shouldn’t.  I have guilt because I know I am lucky to be able to eat whatever I want, when many with similar health issues have to use their little energy on eating the right foods for their body.   I have guilt as I know I should and could eat healthier, but I can’t find the motivation to bother sometimes (though my diet has greatly improved over the past year, I still have a long way to go till I’m happy with it).  And the guilt feeds the depression, which makes me crave unhealthy foods, and so leads to a downward spiral I am constantly trying to pull myself out of.

I know I’ll probably continue struggling with my physical appearance for a long while, but once I started to accept that my feelings were okay, it suddenly became a lot easier to focus on improving my health, rather than my weight.  I now accept that I''m doing the best I can and I am happier than I have been in a long while. 

Hot Weather and Determination

At some point over the past few weeks, Summer seems to have arrived. Unfortunately, it has taken with it much of my motivation.  In short - I don't really like heat, I am a Winter person.

However, I am determined to not succumb to doing nothing when I am able to do a little.  My mind never seems to stop buzzing with ideas and plans these days, which is something I want to take advantage of, but I'm also hoping it won't be long before some of these plans turn into reality. I am not the best at sticking with something, as once I get started there always appears something else to think about, but I'm doing my best by taking a few small steps each day which will hopefully build and lead me where I need to go.

That said, I'm also planning plenty of time for resting, even though this weather isn't conducive to it. The danger is partial resting; which isn't really resting, but feels like it is as I'm lying down, but as I'm watching or listening to something at the same time it is actually low-energy activity.

Does the weather affect you in a similar way?

Sunday Shout Out: M.E. Myself and I

As you will know, this past week was M.E. awareness week. I didn't get to share much of what living with M.E. means for me, though I'm sure over time this blog does that for me.

Today I want to share with you someone who has written and created some incredible awareness for such an invisible disability.  Anna is a fellow M.E. sufferer, as well as blogger. This past week she not only posted some very moving pieces, but created and organised #BlueSunday raising immense awareness and donations for The M.E. Association which funds much needed research.

Anna's blog, M.E., Myself and I, is one of the most heartfelt blogs I read, and I honestly believe that everyone has a lot to learn from her.  If possible, please pop over to her Just Giving page and make a donation in her name. If that's not a possibility right now, then I sincerely hope you will visit her blog and/or follow her on Twitter. Whether or not you live with a chronic disability, Anna is a voice that deserves to be heard and listened to.

Playing Catch-Up

Today is M.E. Awareness Day and begins M.E. Awareness week. I was planning on having some helpful posts put up this week, but last week I was so ill that everything in my life has fallen behind.  In some ways this explains how M.E. affects my life more than any 'inspirational' story I could come up with.

With M.E. any periods of not-complete-awfulness are spent trying to catch up with the world (job, friends, driving, etc).

Even when I'm starting to see improvement (finally), and believing there is hope (finally), it is so easy for it to be ripped away again. I spent most of last week lying down or asleep; not watching anything, not listening to anything, only getting up to go to the toilet and get food (and I know I am lucky every time I am able to stand up) - in general I just existed day after day, waiting for life to be able to try and catch up with the online world (as I have already fallen so deep I no longer know if I can ever catch up with the real world).

Obviously I'm lucky that not every day is this bad any more, but M.E. means that for the rest of my life any semblance of life I've built could (and probably will) come crashing down around me at some point, and once again I'll fall behind.

My Childhood Nightmare: Memories That Have Made Me

So much has happened in my life already, and a lot of those experiences have stayed with me.  They are not all monumentous, nor are they all life changing.  But every single one of them (and the countless more that are buried deep within me) have made me who I am. 
 I hope others will join in with me and post their own memories on their blogs (or in the comments).  I will be posting mine every Friday, but it doesn’t matter when you write yours or if you wish to do them fortnightly or monthly – your writing should fit with your schedule.  If you do join I ask that you link to my blog with this link: http://emptythoughtsrewritten.blogspot.co.uk (until I’ve worked out how to create a button for you to display) and that you will link your POST (not just your blog link please) in the comments each week (until I’ve worked out how to make a linky thing for you to add your links to – I’m really not very tech-savvy!).

When I was a child, about 10 or 11, I had a reoccurring nightmare. It always started with me playing with my best friend at the time, Mary-Ann – who just happened to live with me in the dream – in my back garden. As we are playing, we found some eggs that had been left by dinosaurs (as you do); instead of getting rid of them or telling an adult we decide to keep them safe under the stairs. When they hatched, out popped some cute little monsters (it’s a dream, just go with it), which we happily played with. Then one day the monsters weren’t little and cute anymore, but big and dangerous – as I found out when they ate Mary-Ann and then my family.

When I looked at the actual dream I never understood why it scared me so much, as logically it’s a fairly average dream. But it wasn’t the dream, so much as the feeling I was left with, that terrified me. I would wake up not only scared, but guilty that I had caused the disaster, and this feeling refused to go away for quite a while.

I don’t know how many times I had that nightmare, but it never got less terrifying. I have no idea how to interpret it (if you have any ideas please leave them in the comments), nor why it suddenly stopped.

I don’t really have nightmares that often now, at least not ones I can remember. I know I dream a lot of the time, but I’m rarely able to hold on to them long enough to know what actually happened. But the ‘big’ dreams are the ones which leave me with a feeling. Admittedly, it isn’t usually a pleasant feeling, and not remembering the specifics of why I’m feeling it creates confusion, but the intensity of those feelings always surprise me and remind me each time how powerful the subconscious is.

So, my reiterating my childhood nightmare seems to have turned into some kind of psychological ramble, oops.  I’d love to know if you also experience intense feelings when you wake from a dream; and if you’ve ever had a reoccurring dream. Let me know in the comments.

Morning Expermentations

I have had the same morning routine – breakfast, coffee, reading, rest, get up properly – for the past few years. While I do still find it relaxing, I’m beginning to feel it’s no longer inspiring or productive. So I’ve decided to try experimenting with it a little.

This morning I’ve had my breakfast and coffee while playing Candy Crush and Sudoku on my phone (something that has snuck into my routine over the past year) to wake me up. But instead of picking up my book, here I am, writing this on my laptop. For the next week (at least) I’m going to try getting some writing done before properly starting my day; in the hopes I will actually start being a bit more productive again.  I miss getting things written, rather than just having notes flying around my notebook and my mind.  I have so many ideas and I need to find a way to make myself let them out.

My main worry is I’ll forget to read to during the day, as for so long it’s been something I start and finish my day with; but I’m sure I can find a way to work it into my day. On the other hand, I’m sure getting something written first thing (even if it’s just my 750 words) will inspire me to do more with each day.  After a week or so I will come back and see if I need to continue experimenting, or whether this new morning routine works for me.

Do you have a morning routine? How often do you stop and notice whether it’s still working for you?