For the past few weeks I haven't really been able to get out much. In fact, right now, my range of movement is from the bed to the sofa (and my laptop), the toilet and back to the bed again - and this is an improvement.
While I've been sitting/lying down, unable to do much at all, Chris has been doing the chores I normally do - in specific the washing up, the cooking (okay, so we normally share this one) and the laundry. Now, before I continue, I realise just how lucky I am that I have someone who does all this for me and makes life livable for me. The thing is, I like doing these things. Seriously, in the past few years I've fallen in love with my routine of washing up every morning (I never have the energy by the evening). I like the way I don't have to think about what I'm doing, I like that it's easy (mentally anyway) and I like seeing the dirty pile recede as the clean pile grows. It's the same for laundry. I like having the control over these little pieces of my life.
Control I no longer have. (Well, I guess I could nag and eventually it would be done just as I like it done but I hope I never become that person.) And it's more than that. It's because I didn't have the choice. I didn't choose not to be the one washing up, I didn't choose to have my entire life revolve around a laptop (well, I could choose for it not to but I don't think even I could cope with that amount of loneliness). And that's what really bites. I don't want this life. I want to shout and scream that phrase over and over. I doubt it would make much difference. And I know it wouldn't fix all my problems.
The truth is I don't want this disability and watch everything I can't do happening around me. But I can't change that. I know that I can't change that. Sure, there are things that I can do in the hope that it will help my health improve (and, believe me, I'm doing the ones I can), but fundamentally I am stuck like this. And I know I have to just breath and deal with it, work around it. I know that I can still achieve something, even if it takes a lot longer/is a lot smaller than I'd like. All I have to do is change my attitude.
That's right, I have to change my attitude towards my life. I know this. But I don't know if I'm ready. I know what I have to do to move forwards but I can't seem to make it a reality. I wish I could offer you an inspiring tale of the hope I have (and I hope one day I'm able to) but right here, right now I don't have the strength to change for the better. So I guess I'll just keep plodding (or typing) on, dreaming big and knowing what to do to get there, but unable to take that first step. A least for a while. I'm hoping the more I remind myself the easier it will become until one day I find I'm there - hey, at least I'm hoping in some form.