You may have heard the expression 'square peg, round hole', well, this came to mind last week when I was staying at my parents'. Only I didn't feel like a square peg in a round hole - this would imply that I didn't fit there anymore. No, what I felt was more like a round peg in a square hole. By this I mean that I slipped in easily to my childhood home, but it wasn't a snug fit. Assuming the round peg is smaller than the hole it would go in easily, but also come out easily - this is how I felt.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad time. In fact, it was the holiday I needed after the stress of uni (and now I've come back to the stress of what happens after uni). I also didn't feel like I didn't belong. But it was much more complicated than that. I did belong. But at the same time I felt that when I left I wouldn't have left a new mark on the place. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I just think it means that while I will always be part of that family, that house, it isn't where I 'belong' any more. I have my own life now. That house is where my roots are, it is where I came from. But it isn't where I fit anymore.
I'm honestly not sure if I'm making any sense here. Trying to explain the feeling of belong and not belonging at the same time is one of the more challenging things I've ever done. The only other way I can think of saying it, is that I felt almost like a ghost. Not one who was invisible. But one that doesn't leave an imprint and when it is gone, no one notices that it's not there anymore. Okay, that sounds much worse than I intend. I know I will be remembered (honestly mum, I know you remember me and think of me!) but I am not really part of that life anymore, not in that way (the way where I live there) anyway.
I hope that amongst this rambling you have managed to understand what I am trying to say. In my childhood home I am a round peg, and it is a square hole. So now I just have to find the place and life that is a round hole of the perfect size.