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Friday, 1 April 2011

Panic

It is April and I am officially panicking.  Okay, it's been learing for a few weeks now.  But now I have been hit with the reality that this is the month I have to hand in my final piece of work for uni (I would call it a dissertation but it's fiction so I don't know where it fits in that description).  I have less than two weeks before all my work is due in.  And I am worried that it isn't enough.  That I haven't done enough.

To add to my worry is the giant blankness that faces me after I don't have the safety cushion of being a student to get me through the days.  I don't have a job.  I have a disablility that will prevent me from working full-time and probably dissuade employers that I'm a safe bet.  I will have a degree that will be pretty useless in most careers (come on, no job asks for a Creative Writing degree).  I haven't got anywhere to live yet (mostly because we've been too worried about uni work to go looking).  I won't have any financial security so don't know if I can secure somewhere to live (and my boyfriend is the same).  You see my problem?  There is just so much to contemplate, to worry about.  And I am officially panicking.

But all I can do is try my best and hope that it will work itself out.  Afterall, in three months my whole life will be different.  Hopefully I'll be living with my boyfriend.  Hopefully I'll have some kind of job (even if it's freelance writing which I know is a lot of hard work for little pay but it's better than nothing).  Other than that it is a big empty void and I don't know how it will be filled.  So I continue each day to get on with my writing and uni work and applying for jobs and hunting for places to live, in the hope that soon it will come together and I won't feel quite so helpless, floundering about on the edge of the deep unknown.  Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.  And I know I won't fall in (I have far too much common sense to let that happen - not unless there is a disaster around the corner just waiting for me (touch wood that there is not as I don't know how much more I can handle).

3 comments:

dominique said...

I can totally understand how you can feel this way.

You know, as a writer myself, I never knew if 'writing' could pay the bills. I still don't but I know if you are a good writer, you can make money at it. I'm finally getting payment for some of my writing.

Furthermore, I have the utmost faith in you.

Finding a place to live, work, income and dealing with ME is huge! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you find the perfect home and that your boyfriend finds a good job and you find your niche as a writer.

I have no doubt you are here for a reason and a purpose. The great news is that you are now walking into the great unknown and starting the journey to discover what that is. :-)

Kess said...

Good luck with the job hunt/house hunt. It may be a tough time for a while, but I'm sure everything will work out in the end. Just bear with it and don't give in. I'll be thinking of you.

Bethany Mason said...

Thank you both so much for your support and belief in me - it means a lot :)