A Miracle Day

Today I went to my local grocery stores (using my electric scooter as always). It doesn't sound a lot, but to me it was more like a miracle.

On Friday evening I went to the Scouts meeting as I usually manage every other week. On Saturday I spent 10 hours at a local event which Scouts was a part of. I don't even remember the last time I got up at 7 am. While there I mostly sat in the tent showing kids how to decorate biscuits. Though, to be honest, not many seemed that interested as there were bouncy castles right next to us.

If I had attempted such a long day a few months ago I would have been bedbound for at least a few days at the very least. And that's what I expected this time - I felt it would be well worth it to be a part of a Scout activity that wasn't just the regular meeting.  I am in a lot more pain and more exhausted than usual, but I am still functioning enough to make myself lunch without an issue and still managed to go out today.  I am planning on spending most of this week resting, but I have to admit I'm in a bit of shock at how little my weekend seems to have affected me (of course, I could be saying this prematurely as response symptoms don't always arrive straight away, though for me it is usually 2 days later which would be today).

I know I have been saying to people that I am slowly improving. It's something I am constantly telling myself as well, I think as I still can't fully believe it.  That's why it's so important to document when something like this happens, to show me as much as you that it's true and I really am improving.  Still a very long way to go before I can live any semblance of 'normal' life but I am stepping forward and that's enough for now.

Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars

I have just watched Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars. Of course, I am biased in loving the film starring Michelle Trachtenberg (1996 version), but have to admit that anything about Harriet Welsch always gets me in the mood for writing.  When I was younger I even had an A4 notebook marked 'Private' and went out to 'spy' on my neighbours, though I was never as impressive in my tactics as Michelle Tractenberg's Harriet, but she was my inspiration.

Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars includes many of the same characters (though I was deeply unimpressed with 'Golly') with similar attributes, but that's pretty much where the similarities of the films end.  Blog Wars is clearly an attempt to modernize a story that honestly doesn't need it; although in retrospect I will admit that many of the moments of the 1996 stretched the credibility (but I also have to admit that these moments were a large part of the attraction to the film).  I have to say that I went into the film quite cynical, and other than the character of Harriet Welsch I think I'll stand by that.  I was pleasantly surprised to enjoy Jennifer Stone's Harriet and found her to be an irritating teenage girl that struggles with the same problems in life as all other teenage girls.  In Blog Wars she is vying to write the class blog (as opposed to the newspaper) and when her first few posts aren't well-received she decides to 'stretch the truth' by writing about a famous actor whom she claims to know personally (when in actuality he is working with her father).  I have to say I was disappointed with the climax as it wasn't nearly as intense as the 1996 film, and honestly, it implies at the end that Harriet didn't learn her lesson.

Okay, so I wasn't planning on writing a mini-review, or even a comparison between the two films (as I said, I simply get inspired to write by Harriet Welsch), but apparently that's what you're getting today.

Ricocheting Emotions

Over the past few months I have become increasingly aware of my ricocheting emotions.  While my anti-depressants help me not want to burst into tears every few hours, it seems that all my other emotions only know the intense setting, and the worst thing is that most of the time they are set off by something completely mundane.  It makes it so much harder when I know I'm being unreasonably upset, angry or enthusiastic, especially if I am around others (as the last thing I want to do is take it out on the few people I actually get to see in real life).  The real challenge, though, is that I want to feel.

In the past I have experienced complete numbness, and when I started feeling again I vowed I'd always do my best to never go numb again.  But I'm beginning to wonder if the state I'm currently in - flicking between extremes of emotions that can change without any warning - is just as bad. I have gone from one extreme to the other, and as it's something that affects how I look after myself (if I'm upset all I want to do is eat crap for example), I think it's time I tried to find a middle ground. The only problem is that I have no idea where to start.

If you also suffer from hormonal-type emotion extremes I'd really appreciate any ideas on how you keep it together.  For me, the most important things are warning those I'm with if I suddenly feel upset or angry; and focusing on the fact that each emotion will pass, and while they are important, they are not the whole picture.

The Importance of Each Photo

Over the past few days I have spent a lot of time editing hundreds of pictures (taken over the past 7 months) that were sitting on my laptop or locked into my camera.  As I have gone through them, I noticed how I'm finally at a point where I feel comfortable deleting a lot of the photos; I am still learning to be completely ruthless but I'm definitely getting there.

In the past photos were only taken of special occasions, and while I love taking pictures of life, I think the importance of a physical memory that our descendants can look at, is easily forgotten. I am grateful to live in a time where photo-taking is as simple as a press of a button (though, it has to be remembered, can also be deleted at a press of a button as I discovered during my trip to Paris at school) and I wish there were more photos of me when I was younger.

I love taking photos, and I love having a lot of photos documenting my life (though unfortunately, being behind the camera means I'm not actually in many).  However, I feel that with digital cameras it's now so easy to take photos and that's it, most of them will sit on a camera, phone or computer until they are lost. It has become so easy that we forget how important a photo can be.  It is easy to acquire thousands of photos that will never see the light of day - either because they aren't any good, or simply because there are many that capture the same moment, a few seconds apart.  It is this latter category I have difficulty with deleting, but I figure that I'm only going to want one version of that moment to be printed out for my albums.

So I'm learning to give the important photos the respect they deserve by deleting the rest. With so many pictures, it is easy for the great ones to be lost among the many; it is with this thought that I will continue editing and deleting my photos, ensuring to have no photos I'm not one hundred percent happy with (okay, ninety-eight percent as a hundred percent is probably a little too much to be asking of someone who knows nothing about photography).

Do you keep all the photos you take? Do you get them printed out?

Stepping Through the Past

It feels like forever since I last posted (though in reality it's only a couple of weeks). For the past week especially I have been trying to figure out what to write about, what to say. And the longer I didn't post, the harder it was to think of something worthy of breaking the (unintentional) silence. It feels as though I should update you on what has been happening in my life, and at the same time make sure to impart something meaningful and insightful - all while not boring you.

Then I realised that it shouldn't matter what I write, as long as I write something. So that's what this post is, something. It's not deep or explanatory, or remotely interesting, but at least it's better than not posting anything.  So this is the post that will hopefully let me take another step forward with this blog, as I refuse to let it die after so many hours (more like days and weeks) I have put into this space.

Needless to say I don't know where I'm going. I know I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again. That's just what life is though, not always knowing or even having a plan, but trusting in ourselves to take a step now and then in the direction that will become our past.

This post ended somewhere I wasn't expecting, but these words feel right for where I am at right now. I need to believe it doesn't matter that I don't know what's in store for me. Rather, I am excited to find out where my path will lead.

And with that note, I think it's time to stop worrying so much about what I do and don't write about, and just post this as another step in my past.

Sunday Shout Out: Maltesers' Teasers

As you all know, I love chocolate. Over the past year I have switched mostly to dark chocolate with the aim of not eating as much as I was properly. Unfortunately, it seems that Maltesers are determined to jeopardize my weight-loss plans by creating one of the best, most addictive chocolate snacks.  The Teasers bar is so good that I am trying not to buy them any more (but failing) as it's so hard to keep myself in check and not devour the whole bar straight away. However, if you're willing to eat it all, then this is one chocolate bar you have to try.

MTHMM - Summer Memories

So much has happened in my life already, and a lot of those experiences have stayed with me.  They are not all monumentous, nor are they all life changing.  But every single one of them (and the countless more that are buried deep within me) have made me who I am.  

I hope others will join in with me and post their own memories on their blogs (or in the comments).  I will be posting mine every Friday, but it doesn’t matter when you write yours or if you wish to do them fortnightly or monthly – your writing should fit with your schedule.  If you do join I ask that you link to my blog (until I’ve worked out how to create a button for you to display) and that you will link your POST (not just your blog link please) in the comments each week.

This past week has been very summery with lots of sunshine and blue skies, and it's got me remembering Summer as a teenager.

I was a shy, book-obsessed, teacher's pet, if you can imagine it, and I hated Summer holidays. Usually I would spend almost every day doing nothing but reading, often forgetting to eat as I was so wrapped up in my books. But to be honest, most of my Summer memories happened at school.

I remember eating lunch outside with my friends, sometimes having grass fights (not too often as one of my friends was allergic to grass), sometimes having water fights.  In the case of the latter it would often mean having to sit though the last lesson with t-shirts and trousers soaking wet. I don't remember ever getting into trouble for it, but it wouldn't surprise me if we did, as afterwards we would all be hyped up, energetic and laughing so much that it must have been disruptive.

When we were in Sixth Form (at the same High School), we would sit on our grassy spot during free periods, studying.  It's much easier to study in fresh air than in a musty room, and it worked for us.

All those times have sort of amalgamated into one. It was the time I was care-free, without much worry, and certainly not full of the difficulties I have now (though I had M.E. during the last few years of High School, meaning I went part-time, it didn't affect my ability to sit on the grass with my friends). It was a time when I would freeze my water bottle overnight so it stayed cool all through the day, when I was learning to de-stress and simply enjoy.  I have never been a Summer person, so perhaps that's why my best Summer memories were those at school, when Summer was just beginning, when I could sit in the shade and there was still a decent breeze; a time when I was reasonably happy.

What are your summer memories?