Not Finished

You may have noticed that my word counter (to your right) hasn't gone up in a while. This is because I haven't written any more of my novel - I have officially given up on NaNoWriMo. But I am not that disappointed as I got a fair chunk done and I have realised that it is possible to find time to write for myself if I really want to (though maybe not to the extent that I did - causing myself to work so hard I nearly broke down). So I am going to leave the word counter up. I want to finish this novel - even if it still takes me a few years to do it, and leaving the counter up might just be the motivation to remind me that I need to write.

Well done to everyone who has/will finish their 50000 words before December, and to the rest of us - remember that there's always next year BUT November ISN'T the only month you are allowed to write!

Enid

I watched the docu-drama 'Enid' on BBC4 the other day. I was expecting it to be less than complimentary as I am an Enid Blyton fan, and am well aware of problems in her personal life. However, what was highlighted that I'd never really considered before was the effect of fame and the media on her life. The fact that she was aware of the slander being spread about her (that she didn't write her own books and that she was old-fashioned in her writing) creates a conflict for me. On the one hand I feel that not knowing and living in ignorance is often underrated - what you don't know can't hurt you. On the other hand, I am glad that at least she had a chance to defend herself. I guess I was just slightly surprised at how the media hasn't changed - they are still looking to find a good story, often bending the truth of celebrities to make good gossip (in my opinion).

As for Enid Blyton herself, I am not going to pass judgement on something that I cannot understand - her personal life. However, I will always be a fan of her work as it made my childhood, to the point that I now collect her books. The only problem I really have is the new, PC versions being printed now. So much is being lost from history by changing these books so I will always stick to the originals, no matter how hard they are to find. Not to mention that an average of 6000 words a day is simply inspirational.

Stuff

I am a collector of stuff - I have collections of fairies, lord of the rings, and books, books, books. Often I read things about decluttering as it gives us a more fulfilling existence; after all, they tell us, we can't take it all with us. And this may be true. If there is an afterlife, we won't be able to take all our material stuff with us. But I don't think that that's a decent reason to not have and enjoy the stuff we can accumulate.

Stuff is what makes us who we are. I know we all have personalities etc. but when we die (sorry to suddenly sound all morbid) all that is left of us is memories and stuff. And when those with the memories die (I did apologize already), all that is left is the stuff. So stuff is important - it tells others what kind of person we might be. Don't diss it because you are not as materialistic as me; it just means I have a different way of coping with the emminant death than you do, not worse, not better, just different.

Out of Order

One of my classes today was on the fifth floor (as it is every week). This is fine as there is a lift though I often find I have to wait and then when I finally get in I am squished against the many other people who seem to need it. Not good for my claustrophobia.

The problem today was that when we came out of our class we discovered that the lift was 'Out of Order'. This meant I had to walk down five flights of stairs - a quick way to remind me that my body hates me. It took my at least 20 minutes, stepping with both feet onto each step, large portions of my body being held up by my arms clinging to the railing. It was exhausting to the point where I just wanted to break down in tears and not continue. I was passed by many other students and lecturers, all giving me strange looks as if to imply 'what are you making such a fuss for?' and I wanted to scream at them. Only one person asked if I needed help, but my pride wouldn't let me say yes, after all, I only had the last half a flight to get down. I felt humiliated simply because he had asked (yes, I know that you can't win with me - I don't like people who ignore the fact I'm in pain but I hate it when you offer you're help).

After all this, I had to walk home, something that I somehow managed. And it came into my mind that it is me that is 'Out of Working Order'. My body just won't let me be who I want to be, won't let me do everything, if not anything. So don't tell me that M.E/C.F.S isn't real. Don't tell me that I'm making up - if I could get rid of it, I'd happily pay anything, do anything to. So just because I look like I'm just like you, that doesn't mean that I am as able, or that I'm lazy. I am in pain and I hate it. (I'll give my apologies now to everyone I know who fully understands the extent of my life - this obviously doesn't apply to you). Please think before you judge - you cannot know what everyone is going through.

Too Many Expectations

Lately I have been embracing my inner domestic goddess. Take today for example; I haven't done any uni work (yet) but have: baked a complex cake; done some washing; changed my bedding and enjoyed tv, book and magazine as well. More and more often I am finding that I prefer myself in this state. I am calmer and my efforts have a more physical presence than simply doing research for my degree. I don't have to worry about deadlines and so take the time to relax between tasks, making sure I don't overwork myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love learning and I love going to uni. But I am beginning to question my future of a job where I have to work hard to get anywhere (this is my brain remember). Though I am still adament that I don't want children (though I would consider adoption) and I don't want to get married; I can't deny that being a housewife is beginning to seem a great idea - let's face it, I probably won't ever be able to work full time thanks to my M.E/C.F.S, so perhaps this is where I was heading all the time.

The main problem I have with this is that I have been brought up to believe that I can do whatever I want in life, that I should chase my dreams. Of course there is nothing wrong with this theorem but to me this meant - get a job, be a highflyer, you're smart enough to earn lots of money. And so now I have to face my beliefs and work out what it is that I really want. It is scary and confusing but I know I can always change my mind if what I decide doesn't work out. Am just wondering if society's pressure on women to do everything has effected any of my readers in the way it is effecting me? Please leave any comments you have on this (whether you are male or female).

Remembrance Silence

Yesterday, as the bell rang out through the university indicating the two-minute silence, my whole class fell silent. However, the effect of silence, respect and remembrance was ruined by those next door who continued their lecture. Is this respect for those that gave their lives lost? Are we forgetting the importance of taking a moment of silence? I'm not saying that they have to care (though I would hope that everyone realises the importance of not forgetting, so it never happens again); I just wish people would show the respect to those who wish to remember by shutting up - it's only 2 minutes, I'm not asking for a lot.

So if you were one of those who forget, try and remember next time that someone near you may want to remember, and being silent may give you the chance to think of those who gave their lives in a futile attempt to bring peace (I am a pacifist and believe violence actually makes things worse and wars cause more problems than it solves).

Forgetting

Have you ever been shopping and come home to find that you have forgotten to buy something, more often than not, the item that ws the whole reason for the shopping trip in the first place. This happened to me yesterday and it's not the first time. In fact, though I am very organised and often write lists, I still manage to forget things. I forget the list, I miss something off the list, I get it ready to pack (for holiday) but forget to put it in my bag. Is it just part of the human condition that we are unable to remember everything?

I'm tempted to say that it's because there is so much going on in my mind all the time, that you cannot possibly expect me to remember what I was thinking of in the first place but, though this has every possibility, I believe it's more likely down to laziness. I am often too lazy to actual write the list or organize my desk so I can find the list once it's written and so I bring it on myself. It is my hope that one day I'll be able to remember everything (afterall, I've never forgotten to pack the same thing twice so in theory I'll run out of things to forget soon) but perhaps I am just asking too much of myself.

Every Little Helps

It is day 7 of NaNoWriMo and I am only 3,500 words (or there about) behind target - and I have the rest of the day to catch these up. But what I've learnt doing this that is that every little really does make a difference. Even if I only have 10 minutes I can get some words down and it all starts to add up (see my progress to your right).

It occurred to me that this is true of anything. All large tasks can be broken down into smaller ones. Take for example tidying and cleaning. Now I don't really enjoy doing this - I don't know anyone who does (except perhaps Monica from Friends). And the main problem I have is that I don't do any and I don't do any and it adds up into a frightful mess. But if I were to spend 10 minutes a day tidying/sorting/cleaning, my room probably would stop looking like the tip it is currently in. And the best bit is once you get started it can become addictive - those 10 minutes turn into 20 minutes and before you know it everything is sparkling and shiny.

So Tesco really does have a point when it states that 'Every Little Helps'.

Uplifting blog

I had a post already made in my head but after reading Kess' shout out to my blog I couldn't go and ignore it. To start with I will post a link to her thought-provoking blog here: The Passing Place Not because she shouted out to me (I probably would have gotten around to sharing her blog at some point) but because she was my first follower and I have found her blog to be uplifting when I'm just not feeling myself.

The past few days I have been working very hard, what with uni (I have started researching and it's addictive), the novel, starting a creative writing society and general life. The result is my M.E has hit back with a vengence, making me almost bedbound. I came online to cheer myself up and the first post I read was all about this blog - there would have been no better way to cheer me up and keep up my faith and belief in myself and the universe.

While Kess and I have very different faiths, I have noticed that we often hold the same values and beliefs about the world - it's not what you believe, it's how you act within the world. So thank you Kess for your wonderful gift.