Happiness

I am now in my fourth year of being severely ill, but the progress I've made over the past year gives me hope that one day I will be joining the rest of the world outside my door once again.

But, and this is the hard part to accept, a lot of that hope of happiness hangs on the assumption my health will improve.  While I'm not unhappy at the minute, I don't think I can ever be truly happy while this ill. I'm not saying I need perfect health - enough to work part-time and be able to see my friends and family often is all I'm asking for.  But I need my health to be happy.

I'm sure this goes against everything we are supposed to believe. We are constantly bombarded with inspirational stories where people attribute their happiness to having lived/ living through illness and pain.  Sometimes I worry I should be happy because of this experience, but the truth is I'm not.  Being ill hasn't improved my life. Yes, I am more aware of how grateful I am for the little things like being able to eat what I want and having the internet, and yes, it has led to meeting new people, some of whom have become good friends. But that doesn't mean I'm happy with my life right now.

I'm sorry if this feels depressing, that's honestly not how I mean it to come across. I simply feel others need to know that being ill doesn't mean being positive all the time, or being happy that this happened to us.  It doesn't mean we are supposed to be inspirational and appear strong all the time.  It doesn't mean we are enjoying the fact we cannot work or even go to the shops when we like.  And I'm certain I'm not the only one who feels this way (and if I am then guess I’m more of a unique little snowflake than I thought).

My Past and Future

Perhaps it's because I'm so ill, I have a habit of romanticizing the past. 

With the way my life is now, there isn't much marking time for me. Seasons are changing and half the time I don't even notice because I'm sitting inside my cosy flat, only aware of the world I am a part of through my laptop screen.  

Today I watched a video that reminded me it is fresher's week at Universities across the country.  Worse, it made me remember a few years ago when I was at uni, one of the happiest times of my life.  I'm aware I was happy because I was fairly healthy and able to go out, I had wonderful friends, and later, a wonderful boyfriend. 

Of course, I wasn't aware at the time (at least not all the time) I would remember it as being the happiest time of my life. I had depression, and I struggled to balance my life.  But that time is what I now associate happiness with.  While initially being reminded of that time hurt because it's something I no longer have, and while I could spend all my time wishing I could back, the past is the past.  It's a time in my life I can never go back to; and honestly I don't want to.  

Instead, I'm focusing on my future. Right now my health isn't great, but every day I try and remember the hope I have for my future.  I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it's not something I can simply wish into happening, but every day I can use that hope to take a small step forward to the future I want, a future filled with happiness.  I can't even imagine what that future will look like, but I know it's going to be amazing.

And I'm so super excited at the prospect of new experiences, new friends, new love.