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Monday, 6 October 2014

My Past and Future

Perhaps it's because I'm so ill, I have a habit of romanticizing the past. 

With the way my life is now, there isn't much marking time for me. Seasons are changing and half the time I don't even notice because I'm sitting inside my cosy flat, only aware of the world I am a part of through my laptop screen.  

Today I watched a video that reminded me it is fresher's week at Universities across the country.  Worse, it made me remember a few years ago when I was at uni, one of the happiest times of my life.  I'm aware I was happy because I was fairly healthy and able to go out, I had wonderful friends, and later, a wonderful boyfriend. 

Of course, I wasn't aware at the time (at least not all the time) I would remember it as being the happiest time of my life. I had depression, and I struggled to balance my life.  But that time is what I now associate happiness with.  While initially being reminded of that time hurt because it's something I no longer have, and while I could spend all my time wishing I could back, the past is the past.  It's a time in my life I can never go back to; and honestly I don't want to.  

Instead, I'm focusing on my future. Right now my health isn't great, but every day I try and remember the hope I have for my future.  I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it's not something I can simply wish into happening, but every day I can use that hope to take a small step forward to the future I want, a future filled with happiness.  I can't even imagine what that future will look like, but I know it's going to be amazing.

And I'm so super excited at the prospect of new experiences, new friends, new love.



3 comments:

Ila East said...

I'm an inside person most of the time too. I'm old as dirt, and dirt doesn't move much. LOL Thanks to reading your post, it reminds me that we have to live in the moment or present. I'm concerned right now about changing health insurance, but I am reminded that whatever happens, happens. We just have to deal with it

Don't focus too much on the future that you start worrying about it. Be concerned about the future, but focus on the NOW.

Hayley- Eszti said...

I can definitely relate to this, Tamara. It's so hard when life is dreary and not really going in any direction due to ill health to not look back on the past when things were better. I think about the future but it's so uncertain who knows what will happen. I try to focus on the here and now and if I do think about the future I think more into the near future rather than years ahead. Enjoy your weekend, I hope you are feeling as well as possible.

Tamara Epps said...

Thank you so much for your comments.

Ila - you say it perfectly in 'whatever happens, happens' and that is the general outlook I have on life as, for me, it carries the least stress.

Hayley-Eszti - The here and now is definitely important and I try to 'be present' at least every day, but I also have to remember that my present will affect my future (though probably not as much as I'd expect) as every step makes a difference.