Perhaps it's because I'm so ill, I have a habit of romanticizing the past.
With the way my life is now, there isn't much marking time for me. Seasons are changing and half the time I don't even notice because I'm sitting inside my cosy flat, only aware of the world I am a part of through my laptop screen.
Today I watched a video that reminded me it is fresher's week at Universities across the country. Worse, it made me remember a few years ago when I was at uni, one of the happiest times of my life. I'm aware I was happy because I was fairly healthy and able to go out, I had wonderful friends, and later, a wonderful boyfriend.
Of course, I wasn't aware at the time (at least not all the time) I would remember it as being the happiest time of my life. I had depression, and I struggled to balance my life. But that time is what I now associate happiness with. While initially being reminded of that time hurt because it's something I no longer have, and while I could spend all my time wishing I could back, the past is the past. It's a time in my life I can never go back to; and honestly I don't want to.
Instead, I'm focusing on my future. Right now my health isn't great, but every day I try and remember the hope I have for my future. I know it won't happen overnight, and I know it's not something I can simply wish into happening, but every day I can use that hope to take a small step forward to the future I want, a future filled with happiness. I can't even imagine what that future will look like, but I know it's going to be amazing.
And I'm so super excited at the prospect of new
experiences, new friends, new love.