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Saturday, 25 October 2014

Happiness

I am now in my fourth year of being severely ill, but the progress I've made over the past year gives me hope that one day I will be joining the rest of the world outside my door once again.

But, and this is the hard part to accept, a lot of that hope of happiness hangs on the assumption my health will improve.  While I'm not unhappy at the minute, I don't think I can ever be truly happy while this ill. I'm not saying I need perfect health - enough to work part-time and be able to see my friends and family often is all I'm asking for.  But I need my health to be happy.

I'm sure this goes against everything we are supposed to believe. We are constantly bombarded with inspirational stories where people attribute their happiness to having lived/ living through illness and pain.  Sometimes I worry I should be happy because of this experience, but the truth is I'm not.  Being ill hasn't improved my life. Yes, I am more aware of how grateful I am for the little things like being able to eat what I want and having the internet, and yes, it has led to meeting new people, some of whom have become good friends. But that doesn't mean I'm happy with my life right now.

I'm sorry if this feels depressing, that's honestly not how I mean it to come across. I simply feel others need to know that being ill doesn't mean being positive all the time, or being happy that this happened to us.  It doesn't mean we are supposed to be inspirational and appear strong all the time.  It doesn't mean we are enjoying the fact we cannot work or even go to the shops when we like.  And I'm certain I'm not the only one who feels this way (and if I am then guess I’m more of a unique little snowflake than I thought).



3 comments:

Lisa England said...

It's such a relief to read this. I don't know if that's an awful thing to say but I completely feel the same way. It's great to hear inspirational stories of people but it's also exhausting to try and put a positive spin on everything. Thank you for being honest because think it will give me courage to do the same x

Ila East said...

It's like everything else, we have good days and bad days. Right now I have forgotten about my own health because we are stressing about Rocky's. Rocky is our diabetic dog and for the past week or so he hasn't been eating.

The thing is, there is always something for me to stress over. There is one thing I know about my health though, it will never get any better. But, I am grateful for those days I am not in pain. We take each blessing as it comes.

Tamara Epps said...

Thank you so much for your replies.

Lisa - I am glad I have helped in some small way. I don't mean to knock the inspirational stories, as I'm sure they are there for a reason. But we are now so inundated with them that for the rest of us we can't help but feel pressured to be the next inspirational story. We are not stories, we are just people trying to cope with our lives, whether they are 'inspirational' or not.

Ila - I'm sorry you're health won't improve, but I feel knowing that is perhaps easier than worrying that your health could get worse or better. I hope you are always able to remember the good days when the bad days come.