This is a hard post to write. I'm not really sure how I should say what I want to say. I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I want to say what I'm going to say, but I want to be honest. I want you to know why I haven't blogged so far this week.
The thing is, I haven't exactly been feeling myself for the past few days. By that I mean the person you see here - the hopeful, inspired person behind the words. Instead, I have been feeling empty and worthless. I know you are probably thinking that I'm not and I really do appreciate that, but it can't change how I feel at the moment. Those of you who know me (and by that I mean, those who know me very well) know that I have had depression, on and off, for a very long time - ever since I got M.E. (or there about, I'm still not sure which one came first). The truth is I denied it for a very long time. And then I went to university. Everything changed.
I didn't stop getting depressed but my bouts of disillusion were shorter and I was able to deal with them. A lot has happened in the past few years that has kept me in a relatively healthy state of mind. But now I feel stressed and hopeless and stretched thinner than ever. And this has led to some very bad feelings about myself the past few days. And I didn't want to tell you.
I didn't want to impress on you how bad I'm feeling right now (yes, I know that's exactly what I'm doing now) as I didn't want my problems to become your problems. But neither could I find it within me to write any upbeat posts - all my thoughts were gloom and despair - so I didn't write. Now, I still don't want you to feel for me but I realised that I made a pact with myself to always tell the truth in my words, especially in this space. So I am telling you, not for your sympathy (because honestly it won't help) but because you deserve to know why my posts may be a bit sporadic for a while (though I will try my hardest to post as often as I can without making this a place you want to shy away from). It also feels good to tell the world. Accepting it is the first stage for recovery, I know this, and this is me accepting how I'm feeling right now. And hoping it will lead...I don't know where, maybe somewhere over the rainbow?
Because I can't bear leaving you on such a low note, here are some pics of the biscuits I baked over the weekend:
You have no idea how fiddly these rings were to cut out and move onto the baking sheet!
Added butter icing and then jam to get: