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Thursday, 18 July 2013

Needing to Apologize

I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I let my anger, pain, frustration, depression, guilt etc out on innocent bystanders.  Those who know me well, know that I can't always contain those emotions, that I come with a warning on bad days.  Unfortunately I can't say the same for everyone else, such as those I  talk to online.

Usually when conversing online I try to be as civil and nice as possible.  After all, I don't know what kind of day they are having so I should try and make it better not worse.  Today I failed at that and it's not the first time (though no other instances spring to mind but I expect that's more because I don't want to remember).  I know that online we have the luxury of time and thinking things through before we hit 'send'.  But in my experience that is an 'in theory' rather than the reality.  I don't usually stop and think before replying with anything longer than a paragraph - I type it out and hit send and it's gone.  Of course, it's too late once it's sent and the only option is to apologize.

Many would say it's best not to do anything to apologize for, but again, the reality isn't that simple.  Perhaps I should be more careful with what I send out in future, but it cannot change the past.  So I apologize and hope it is accepted, simply because there's nothing more I can do (if I'm wrong, please correct me in the comments).

This post is partly a public apology to the person on Swap-bot I hurt by being rude (even if it was unintentional).  I know that the fact that I'm having a bad is not an excuse, and I don't want it to become one.  So, once again, sorry.

But this post is also written with the hope that perhaps I'm not alone in allowing our feelings to hurt others who have done nothing wrong.  Perhaps that is a terrible thing to say, after all, I'm saying it so I can feel better about myself.  Mainly, though, I'm saying it because I believe it's human nature to fuck up, and I want to show you that I'm just as human as anyone else, and that doesn't necessarily make us bad people (despite the many, many things we tell ourselves).

3 comments:

"As We Speak" said...

Well, I think it's big of you to apologize. There is a lot of things being said today...maybe it's the heat...maybe not.
I unfollowed someone today, because of a comment made to me. Perhaps she was having a bad day. Perhaps she just doesn't like me...don't know...don't care,

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Anonymous said...

Perhaps you need to take personal accountability for ypur actions and less self cemtred. Think of others and you may help yourself.

Tamara Epps said...

I believe that in apologizing (which doesn't come easy to me), I am taking 'personal accountability' as I cannot undo the past.

While I still believe that I should have thought before reacting, I know that this post implies it wasn't against the person in question, which after reconsideration isn't true as she took something important away from me, ruining my week.

I won't retract my apology though, because I would rather the situation was left in the past so I can focus on my future.