Being Who I Am

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder who am I? When did I become the woman who eats salads and fantasizes about joining a gym (granted, this probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I can't do it, than because I want to work out)?

But then the rest of the time, I can't imagine being anyone else. I feel completely and utterly myself; as if this is, of course, where I was heading all the time. Even though I may have different friends and hobbies and struggles, I am still exactly the person I am meant to be, the person I was always meant to be.  Knowing that makes life that bit easier to cope with, because I know who I am and while I don't know where I'm going exactly, I'm certain it is exactly where I'm supposed to go.

Christmas Planning

As you all know, I am a huge fan of Christmas. This year, however, I am finding that for a couple of days I have been really excited for it, and then suddenly that feeling went away. I have been yoyo-ing between those two states for the past month at least, and now it’s finally December.

Saying ‘finally’ December is a bit misleading as this year it has almost crept up on me, despite having bouts of ‘Christmas mania’. I mean, at the beginning of November I was making all my plans and looking forward to being remotely organised, and yet somehow I didn’t find the time through the whole month to actually start on the Christmas preparations. So as usual I am left with lots of wonderful ideas, and very little time.

I’m determined not to panic. I am not going to go completely mad and try and get everything done as I know that will only lead to me getting ill, and honestly I want to be able to enjoy the holidays with my family. But nor am I going to give up on all of my plans. I still want to make an effort this Christmas, especially as last year was such a disaster (from my perfectionist’s point of view anyway).

Today, while I am making sure to include plenty of rest, I am hoping to start putting up a few decorations. It’s going to require a little practical thinking as my ceiling is far too high to actually reach (nor do I have anywhere to store a ladder), but there is plenty of wall space so I’m looking forward to what I come up with. 

As I said, I’m determined to not physically overdo it (especially after yesterday), so it will likely take me at least a week to put up all my decorations, but that is completely okay. Just because I remember doing all the decorating on one day when I was a child doesn’t mean I have to follow that tradition. Instead, I need to find my own way of doing things that allow me to work around my health, because nothing is worth putting that at risk (except maybe visiting friends and family, but that’s a different matter).

I am also hoping to do some baking this year. Last year I never managed to make anything, but this year I am focusing on one or two recipes so I don’t have to rush. I’m still trying to come up with a main course for Christmas dinner, though, as this year it is not just me that’s vegetarian, in fact one of my siblings has gone vegan. I can’t resist a challenge so I’m sure I’ll find something (though if you have any ideas, please share below).

Are you super organised when it comes to Christmas/holidays? If you have health issues, how have you found ways to work around them?

Having a Bad Day

Lately I have been doing so much better, that days like today are a horrible reminder of how fragile my health is. Today has been a really bad day. I haven’t had a day like this in a long while and I had forgotten just how much being trapped in the bed sucks.

I know my day has been such a struggle due to doing far too much yesterday (you know, doing a little more writing and moving around that little bit extra), but that hasn’t made it any easier to deal with. If anything, the fact that I’ve been improving made today so much worse, as until this (hopefully short) relapse I had almost forgotten that I don’t have a normal life. I knew I wasn’t ready for work, or anything as major as that, but the fact that I was improving made me feel I had a chance at a ‘normal life’ again.

Of course, one awful day in comparison to every day being like this shows that I am improving; and I am holding onto that, even as I am unable to do anything beyond lying down staring into space and sleeping (which evidently has made me able to write this). But it also reminds me that I can’t take it for granted, and that I will likely have to live the rest of my life weighing activity against rest and possible relapse. That has been the hardest thing to cope with today.

Saying that, I got through it and I am still managing to feel fairly positive (and I don’t even care if it’s drugs preventing me from the depths of depression right now). Each day may not be a new chance when one is paying for yesterday’s activities, but if I take away the length of time of 24 hours, there will always be a new chance to fight again and make my life into what I want.

My Bubble

Lately I've started to wonder how everyone else in the world lives. I can't help feeling that I am missing out, as so much of my life revolves around what I am reading and watching online. While I am no longer completely trapped by the four walls around me, I am still trapped within my body - and I'm starting to feel that everything in my life is in an artificial bubble. This wouldn't be so bad, after all, living in a bubble gives a certain sense of safety, but knowing it is fake leads me to question what the point of everything is. Most days my main aim is simply to get through the day, and into the next one.

Of course I have a few plans that I try and work on, but as I never seem to quite make enough progress, I feel that I am on a treadmill rather than a road. I am going nowhere. Is this all life is? Is this all my life will ever be?

An Overdue Update

I am aware it's been far too long since I last posted here, but I'm not sorry.  The main reason I haven't been updating is because I've actually been doing things!

A few weeks ago I went to a couple of (very small) shops and tried clothes on - I haven't managed this in over 2 years.

The weekend before last I went to a birthday party. One that involved creating a costume (which I ended up sewing by hand as my electric went out and I'd left it to the last minute - luckily I hadn't planned anything too ambitious), and then talking to people for a few hours.  I sat down during the party, but I made the effort and am pleased I went.

And last week I went to a fireworks display with my bff and her son (who is 2 yrs).  Bonfire night is one that I love due to the memories it evokes of bundling up in the car with my family and standing far too close to a giant bonfire (no doubt it is taped off now due to health and safety).  Admittedly, I do feel guilt for endorsing the tradition of putting a ton of extra poison into our atmosphere, but that can't be helped.  I haven't had a proper Bonfire night in years due to my M.E., and so I was super excited that I finally felt well enough to attend. Unfortunately we ended up having to walk a lot further than I should have due to the taxi not being allowed down the road to the display, but somehow I managed it (we took a chair for me to sit on once there and we used it to rest on our way back to where a taxi could pick us up), so I know for sure I haven't walked that far in literally years.

This week I have mainly been recuperating after doing so much.  But that doesn't dim the fact that I was able to do so much, I honestly have nothing but hope for the next few months, though I am determined not to allow myself to give up on resting as I know that no matter how easy it would be, it would only end in me rebounding.

The other reason this blog post is so late in the coming is because I wanted to include photos. I haven't finished editing them yet which is why I was waiting. Then today I realised that I'm just procrastinating, and surely it is better to post something that isn't complete (ie. without photos) than nothing at all.

Of course, being able to do so much more, leaves me struggling to know where to put my focus, as suddenly I have lots of options that I can actually do, but I can't do all of them if I am to stop myself charging forward and overdoing it.

How do you choose where to put your focus? And any tips on how to remember to take it slow?

I don't mean this post to imply I'm bragging about my health improving, I know there are still many who are struggling at the worst points of their health; nor am I complaining that I still am not able to lead a 'normal' life yet - I simply want to share my experience to share understanding of chronic disabilities.

Sunday Shout Out: Ruby Gloom

Pic from Amazon UK

One of the things I love about having Netflix is finding completely random and awesome TV shows to watch.  Lately I have been watching a lot of Ruby Gloom. While it is a 'cartoon' aimed at children, it is very unique and appeals to everyone (seriously, someone I know who hates everything for children, will happily sit through episodes of Ruby Gloom).  It's a great way to relax and indulge in an unusual world with some amazing characters.

Do you have Netflix? If so, what have you been watching recently on there?

50 Random Facts About Me

1.      I am a vegetarian (and I don’t eat fish) and have been since I was 11.

2.      I am left-handed but do most things right-handed (such as sports)

3.    I grew up without terrestrial television, and while I’m now a lot more open to it, I’ve never felt that I was disadvantaged in any way because of this.

4.      I used to hate Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but after repeated watching (due to someone in the house watching it), it has become my favourite show of all time. A similar thing happened with Friends.

5.      I am the oldest of 5.

6.      I am the only member of my family not to wear glasses, though I had to for a while at High School because (and I quote) ‘you read so much’.

7.      If I could only live on one food for the rest of my life it would be pasta.

8.      If I had to choose a superpower I would choose the ability to teleport – just imagine how awesome it would be to click your fingers and be wherever you want to be, and once you’ve grown tired of it, you can go straight back to your own comfy bed (of course this choice is after the superpower to be healthy, but I’m not sure if that counts).

9.      My dream job is to be a librarian but I’m secretly scared that by the time I’ll physically be able to do the job, librarians will only be needed to fix computers (which would be a tragedy).

10.  I played a wooden flute at school. I often think of practicing again but currently am unable to hold it up (it’s a little heavier than a traditional metal one, but not sure I could hold one of those up for more than a minute right now).

11.  I collect fairies. But I also collect anything relating to fairies such as books about them, pictures, etc.

12.  My oldest toy is Debbie, a little white rabbit, who I have had since I was 6. She has a story behind her and is possibly my most sentimental treasure I own.

13.  When I was a child I was determined to read every book in the world. Now I know that’s not possible in this lifetime, but that’s not going to stop me from trying.

14.  Every time I used a sewing machine at High School it broke, so I made most items by hand, spending hours on them at home.  I have since made my peace with sewing machines.

15.  I started wearing make-up every day when I was at College, after going to a Body Shop party.

16.  My favourite Disney movie is Tangled. Mulan is a close second.

17.  My favourite Pixar movie is Monsters Inc.

18.  The only animated character I’ve ever had a crush on was Demitri in Anastasia.

19.  When I was 10/11 I dressed up as Anne Shirley for World Book Day at school. It was the day I learned that I was the only one in the entire school who knew who Anne Shirley was (which in my mind implied that no one else read anything at all).

20.  I love Ballet for the discipline and ritual required to practice every day.

21.  My first memory of baking is of making cakes for ‘Food Science’ at High School. I got 10/10 for them, but they were inedible as I had used as much baking powder as flour.

22.  My favourite part of most films is the inspirational montage showing the main character working themselves to death to achieve their dreams – I hate that I can’t apply this to my real life any more.

23.  I have kept a diary on and off for pretty much all of my life.

24.  I have a plait of my hair from when I forced my Mum to cut it all off (at least 6”). It is a lot blonder than I am now.

25.  I have a fascination for fairytales, especially the non-Disney versions.

26.  Whenever I had to stay home from High School due to being ill, I listened to Great Expectations on C.D. I still have no idea what actually happens in the story but am well acquainted with the beginning.

27.  Before I’d heard of Great Expectations I was asked by a teacher if I’d read it as a story I’d written had the same beginning.  I have always been unreasonably proud of this – even though I don’t remember the story I wrote.

28.  I used to go to Bible Camp every summer.

29.  I am obsessed with Christmas.

30.  My favourite author is Cecilia Ahern, but I haven’t actually read the book she’s most famous for P.S. I Love You.

31.  The Silence in Doctor Who freak me out, my bff has a doll/figure of one on a shelf and I always have to hide it behind something else when I’m there.

32.  I lost my virginity at 21.

33.  For a while in Sixth Form I considered studying Politics at University – til I went to an open day and was bored to death by the teacher.

34.  My favourite country I’ve visited is Switzerland.

35.  I have never written a novel – beginnings? Yes. Short stories? Yes. Scripts? Yes. Poetry? Yes (but not anymore).

36.  I have a thing for red-haired women (I’m fairly certain the obsession started with Anne Shirley and blossomed with Alyson Hannigan.).

37.  I wish I could speak another language fluently. I studied French at AS level but failed – languages just aren’t my thing – but hope to study it again in the future.

38.  I was told my A-Level results while walking be a beach in Cape Town, South Africa, by my Mum via phone; I misheard and thought I got an ‘E’ in English Language (which I was happy with as I barely passed the coursework) but I actually got a ‘B’ (98% on my editing exam – score!)

39.  My favourite punctuation is the dash ‘-‘ which I overuse far too much.

40.  Yes, I am a freak and not only think about punctuation, but have favourites as well.

41.  I have never broken any bones and remember going to the A&E twice – once as I had something in my eye, and once as I had something stuck up my nose (don’t ask).

42.  My greatest fear is finding someone dead.

43.  My second greatest fear is cracking an egg and discovering the chicken is still inside (and when a friend replies with ‘that happened to me once’ you’re not helping!)

44.  My favourite film of all time is When Harry Met Sally, and not because of the orgasm scene, but because of the incredible writing (though I’m not a fan of the ending).

45.  I love ice cream and I love chocolate. I very rarely like chocolate ice cream.

46.  I didn’t read Lord of the Rings til after I had seen the film, and only at the insistence from my Mum, as I hated The Hobbit. Lord of the Rings is now one of my favourite books and one which I reread.

47.  The first cross-stitched thing I ever made was a Mother’s Day card (which is still displayed in their living room).

48.  I collect ‘Piglets’ (the character from Winnie-the-Pooh).

49.  I am not a tidy person, this often comes as a surprise to people who know me as I’m fairly organised despite my inability to put things away (I haven’t even finished unpacking and I’ve lived here for months).

50.  I had run out of ideas for blog posts, so hope you enjoyed this long self-indulgent list about me.  I would love it if you write a ’50 Things About Me’ post and leave the link in the comments.