Empty Thoughts, Rewritten

Typing

2012-02-15T02:33:00.000-08:00

I have heard/read many writers say that even if they couldn’t physically write or type, they would find another way to tell their stories. This has always made me feel left out as that just isn’t true for me. In the past I have often questioned if I really was a writer as I don’t have many stories just bursting to come out of me. Primarily, I am not a storyteller.

But I am a writer. I’m now beginning to embrace the fact that being a writer does not mean you can only write novels or short stories or poems. It means you write. And to me, typing my 750 words each morning, and writing these posts (and many more that never make it to the blog) makes me a writer. I love sharing my views and I believe that if I couldn’t type for whatever reason, I would probably end up debating with people face to face so I could still let everyone know my opinions on everything.

I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen though. Not because I don’t think I could hold my own in a debate (though I am a little rusty as I no longer have the practice with my family and at school), but because I hate the idea of never being able to type again. There is nothing wrong with writing longhand, and I do enjoy it from time to time (though it can cause me a lot of pain in my hand and arm), but I’ve come to realise that one of my true passions in life is typing.

I love the feel of my fingers moving quickly over the keyboard, knowing that the endless clicking is creating sense on the screen (most of the time, anyway). I love the feel of the keys under my fingertips. And I love the sense of calm typing gives me. I am so glad that I am lucky enough to be able to indulge in this passion every morning of every day (well, almost). I would go as far to say that the reason the morning pages work for me is because of the sense of power and contentment I get from tapping at a keyboard for ten to fifteen minutes without actually having to think about anything. I have tried doing my morning pages on paper but it just didn’t have the same effect for me.

Is there anything you do every day or very often that you haven’t realised just how much you enjoy? Something totally random and mundane (I also love washing up as I find it relaxing when my M.E. doesn’t cause me pain from doing it) and beautiful – please share in the comments (or feel free to gush in an entire post about your love, as I have done here).

A Delicate Balancing Act

2012-02-13T01:58:00.003-08:00

Living with M.E. is a delicate balancing act. On the one hand I don’t want to overdo it as every time I do, I risk not being able to get out of bed the next day. This is pretty self explanatory. If you do more than your body can physically handle (and I have to add that mental excursion can have the same effect on the body), you will inevitably end up physically less well than when you started.

On the other, much less discussed, hand I don’t want to do too little. This may seem ridiculous as surely the opposite of doing too much is not doing enough which will result in a happy, healthy body. Unfortunately that isn’t true – anything in excess or depletion is bad for you; the trick is finding the perfect balance between the two.

However, when you live with a chronic disability such as M.E. it isn’t as simple as just finding out the balance that works for you. To add to the fun, the perfect balance changes daily based on so many things including what you did yesterday, what you did last week, how well you slept, what you ate recently, how hot or cold it is – you get the idea.

So I’ve been trying to balance myself and work out what makes a difference to my health. So far I don’t feel like I’m any closer to knowing what has a positive or negative effect on my body other than the obvious (how much I do and how much I rest). However, despite a massive setback a few weeks ago (when I got ill), I believe I am able to do more than recently. So for now I’m just going to continue as I am and continue tweaking my daily schedule in the hopes that some kind of pattern will make itself known to me.

What have you found works/doesn’t work in keeping your body at its optimum health? (This question isn’t just for those with chronic disabilities as I know everyone has stress and tips for keeping themselves healthy.)

Review: Wicked (book)

2012-02-10T01:53:00.000-08:00

Click to Buy

When Dorothy triumphed over the Wicked Witch of the West in L. Frank Baum's classic tale, we heard only her side of the story. But what about her arch-nemesis, the mysterious Witch? Where did she come from? How did she become so wicked? And what is the true nature of evil?

Gregory Maguire creates a fantasy world so rich and vivid that we will never look at Oz the same way again. Wicked is about a land where animals talk and strive to be treated like first-class citizens, Munchkinlanders seek the comfort of middle-class stability, and the Tin Man becomes a victim of domestic violence. And then there is the little green-skinned girl named Elphaba, who will grow up to become the infamous Wicked Witch of the West, a smart, prickly, and misunderstood creature who challenges all our preconceived notions about the nature of good and evil. (Blurb from Goodreads).

When I opened this book I expected the familiar story that I know from the musical – I couldn’t have been more wrong. The book has so few similarities with the Broadway show that I could count them on one hand.

Once I had got over the unsure feeling this left me with, I fell in love with the tale woven before my eyes. Honestly, Oz was brought to life in a way that I didn’t know it needed, holding me in its enchantment and horrors.

Wicked is told through a few different points of view which allows the reader to appreciate the different aspects of the world Gregory Maguire creates and while I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is about the language, the very way you read it adds to the experience (I found this completely natural but others have told me that it made it difficult for them to follow the story), bringing you into Oz in a completely unique and incredible effective way.

Personally I can’t gush enough about this book but beware that it is not for you if you like happily-ever-after stories. This is a gritty tale of politics, racial issues and unfriendly characters that will leave you wanting more tales from Oz. I’m definitely going to be looking up the rest of Maguire’s books as ‘Wicked’ was exactly the dark-side to The Wizard of Oz stories and I can’t help but be intrigued by that style of storytelling.

Why I'm Struggling to Make a Difference

2012-02-09T03:51:00.000-08:00

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” ~Anne Frank

I was trying to catch up with some of my emails yesterday when I came across this quote. Just reading it makes me want to shout YES and then get on with something important. I am still struggling with the last part as I am finding myself constantly asking myself questions like ‘Why am I bothering?’ ‘How can you think this is important and world changing?’ ‘Why do you think anyone will buy this from you?’ Basically, a whole load of how’s and why’s are streaming through my head at every moment, and I realise that this constant questioning is stopping me from starting right now to ‘improve the world’.

I know I will have to answer them soon, but for now I am going to make one step forward this today and as many days as I can. Maybe I’ll work it out on the way, if not, I am planning on sitting myself down and actually answering the questions. Either way, I’m determined not to let the questioning stop me. After all, I don’t actually need to know all the answers right now; and I expect that many of the answers will change along with me and my ideas.

What is stopping you from improving the world right this second? How will you start making a difference anyway?

Challenging My Perceptions Of Myself

2012-02-06T04:35:00.000-08:00

I believe in constantly learning new things and discovering new ways in which to see the world. However, recently I’ve started challenging my perceptions of the world in a completely different way. Instead of looking outward to see differently, I’ve found that I am looking inward.

Let’s start at the beginning. I am a writer. I have always known that I was a writer and that is where my talent lies. I’ve never questioned this, just followed along. I have accepted myself as a creative through my writing. I am also a crafter. But I see myself more as an amateur creative – I make cards and cross-stitch. Until recently I’ve only really stuck to the basics and haven’t really seen them (especially the cross-stitch) as part of my creativity.

And then I decided I wanted to start a creative business revolving around writing (because that’s what I’m good at) and cross-stitch (because I have fell so far in love with it that I want to do it all the time). For this to work I’ve had to radically change my self-imposed view of myself. I am having to design my own charts, which inevitably means that I am putting pencil to paper and drawing ideas.

When I realised that that was what I would have to do I became terrified. I can’t draw. I’m the person that doodles stars and hearts because that’s all I can make come out right. And now I had to trust that I could not only come up with ideas (something I’ve always struggled with), but that I would be able to get them down on paper.

Earlier this week I had a massive break through. You may remember that I managed to do alittle designing despite being very ill, I didn’t admit that I was terrified of looking back to see how much editing they would need. Of course they did need a little tweaking, but overall, I was proud of my work. And on Saturday I outdid myself in drawing the perfect cupcake (quite a task when you’re as much of a perfectionist as me). I have now accepted myself as an artist. I may never sell my artwork in its original form (I am currently drawing to transpose my designs into cross-stitch charts) but I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t suck nearly as much as I thought.

Is there anything, like drawing, that you tell yourself you could never do, let alone be good at? Why not challenge your perceptions of yourself and see what happens (you may well suck, but perhaps with a bit of practice you will find that you can do it) and share your experiences either in the comments here or on your own blog (and like here so we can read it).

A Harsh Lesson In Time Management

2012-02-03T04:13:00.000-08:00

For the past week and a half I’ve been really ill. I think I caught a bug and, having M.E., it became quite severe. At my worst, we realised that I about 3 hours each day that I could use to do things in; but only low-energy activities (like watching an episode of Buffy) and if I rested every 30-40 minutes for a couple of hours (I even had to stop Buffy mid-episode to have a lie-down a few times).

I won’t lie; it wasn’t a great week for me. I hated having to rest properly just so I could watch an episode of my favourite TV show (especially as usually I use the time spent watching it to rest). I hated not being able to shower. I hated constantly coughing, which used up a lot of my energy. And I hated that I couldn’t seem to sleep at night, no matter what I tried.

However, I was actually just as productive last week (if not more) than I usually am. Having such a short period of time to work in meant that I treated my time with way more respect. I still tried to do my 750 words most days. But I also managed to get some important designing done by working for about 10-15 minutes and spending about 6 hours (some before, some after) resting. And as I couldn’t just mindlessly sit in front of the TV, I realised that as I still chose to use my time to watch an episode of Buffy (seriously, one of the greatest shows ever), it must be important to me.

Of course not every day looked like the one above. Some days I didn’t do any writing. Some days I didn’t do any designing. Some days I managed to read a little. Some days I listened to a radio play instead of watching Buffy. Yet I am proud of myself for getting something done. It made me realise that I am capable of doing something important if I really want to (I am terrible with procrastination). And it helped me put in perspective how much energy and time certain activities take (for example, 10-15 minutes of designing uses the same amount of energy as listening to a 45 minute play and therefore needs the same amount of rest time in ratio to it).

My health seems to be improving a little now but I’m trying to continue using the resting strategy in the hope that I will be able to maximise my active time and start making progress at the speed I originally planned on.

A Quote

2012-01-27T03:09:00.000-08:00

I have been really ill this week, therefore I haven't managed to write anything of sense or good value. So for today I thought I'd leave you with a quote to ponder as you go throughout your day/week/month/year. Hope you have a good weekend.

"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." ~ William James

How Creative Habits Make Sure I Get Something Done Everyday

2012-01-25T03:24:00.000-08:00

I have been kind of having a bad week. Mostly it’s to do with not sleeping particularly well, but there have also been stumbles (leading to blind panic) in my journey. Today I woke up feeling extra groggy. Truthfully I didn’t want to write a blog post and do the work that I know needs doing for my business. Granted, I still haven’t done any work, but that’s more that I’ve only been up a half hour, than simply because I haven’t done it. What I have done is write at 750 words (and now I’m writing this).

750 words came from the idea of writing morning pages – the point being to clear your mind of clutter before you get started on your day. I used to write my pages at random points throughout the day, whenever I felt like it. Then I stopped writing them at all for a few months. About a week ago I decided to start writing them again and to actually write them first thing (after I’ve eaten my breakfast but before I’ve done anything else). So far it’s been going well, but it was today that I saw the benefits.

Like I said, I was groggy this morning, I didn’t want to turn on my laptop and start typing; but I did. Writing those 750 words each morning is becoming a habit for me, and a positive one at that. I sat myself down and started typing because that’s what I do each morning now – I didn’t think about it much. Sure, I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t actually even try and think of something else to do instead. And now I have written it, which has led to writing this post (a part of this habit I’m forming is do some blog or essay writing immediately after). And for the first time it doesn’t feel like a struggle to get myself to do it, because it’s just what I do in the morning. Turning writing into a morning habit is guaranteeing that I’ll get it done. And now that I see it’s working, I’m going to see what else I can create into a habit that will help me with getting on with my work.

Have you made your creative work part of a habit you have? If not, then is there anything that you would like to turn into a habit? Let us know in the comments.

If this post has inspired you to start forming some creative habits of your own, I strongly suggest you go and read Dan Goodwin’s post on Creating Your Beautiful Creative Life for advice on how to get started and the benefits.

You Are Just As Strong As Me

2012-01-23T03:10:00.000-08:00

“Strong is fighting. It’s hard and it’s painful; and it’s every day." – Buffy Summers (Amends, Season 3)

I was watching Buffy yesterday and this quote jumped out at me to remind me that no matter how weak I’ve felt previously, each day is a new chance to be strong again.

I always see comments about how brave and strong people with chronic disability are. I’m not refuting the fact that these comments are well-deserved; but I have to admit that it can make me feel a little uncomfortable. This is partly because everyone has to be brave and strong to get through life (not just those dealing with disability) and partly because I often feel like a failure in comparison.

The thing is, I’m not strong. At least, I’m not strong every day. Sure, the majority of my days are spent fighting my M.E. and I guess that could be seen as strength (to me, it’s more a survival kind of deal). But I have quite a few days where the last thing I feel is strong. I feel like giving up; I feel pointless; I feel weak.

I ‘m not writing this to garner a lot of ‘but you are strong’ responses – I’m beginning to realise that for myself. I am writing this to let you know that it is okay to not feel strong every day. As far as I’m aware, it’s part of being human (and if not, then almost everything I’ve ever read is a bad portrayal of humanity). Just because you have moments, perhaps long periods, when you feel like giving up, doesn’t mean you can’t be strong again. I am relatively sure that you will start fighting again (again, it’s part of being human), and when you do, don’t let the fact that you felt weak stop you.

Just remember that not being strong every day doesn’t actually make you a failure (after all, failing is just not having tried) and you are, in fact, stronger than you could ever give yourself credit for.

How A Quote Changed My Life

2012-01-18T03:26:00.000-08:00

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

As you’ve probably noticed, I have been feeling a lot more positive (and a lot less depressed) over the past few months. Part of this change was allowing myself to feel down for a while, but a large part of it is due to that quote above. I found it in the sample I downloaded from Jenny Blake’s book ‘Life After College’ (which I’m definitely going to be buying soon) and I can honestly say that it has changed my life.

This may sound dramatic but I don’t feel like I’m exaggerating in any way. Reading that quote gave me the permission I didn’t know I was seeking, to pull myself out of the slump. The thing with my depression (I can’t speak for anyone else’s) is that I end up in a downward spiral that I can’t find a way out of. It starts with having a bad day – I don’t feel up to doing anything so I let myself do nothing. I don’t think this is a bad thing, it’s what happens the next day that causes the problems.

So the next day I might be feeling okay, but I look back over the previous day and see how much time I wasted and how much I didn’t do, so I start feeling guilty. That guilt usually leads me to feeling very down and so, once again, I don’t do anything. As the days go on, this repeats itself but every day has extra guilt laid upon it and so down the spiral I go, until I can’t even see hope of getting out.

Just to be clear, guilt of not doing anything isn’t the only emotion that causes my depression, but I would say that it is a large part of it.

Anyway, when I read that quote, the first thing I did was grab a large post-it note, write it down, and stick it on the wall by my ‘desk’ (which is actually just a table where I use my laptop). I had allowed myself to get caught up in the past, and so had stopped myself from moving forward. The moment I read the words ‘Finish each day and be done with it’ a great weight was pulled off me and I started remembering how to start each day afresh; with hope and motivation leading me forward instead of guilt and despair pulling me downwards (backwards just doesn’t feel right here as we’re talking about time).

The quote reminded me that feeling guilty about not doing anything wasn’t going to make the past change, only make the present worse. And so I started believing in myself again. I still have bad days of course, and sometimes I let them take over, but when I read those words I know I won’t let one bad day ruin my life.

Has anything like a quote changed your life? Please share in the comments.

Vote For Me To Win a Scholarship for the Girl's Guide to Web Design Course

2012-01-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

You all know that I have been thinking and talking about getting my own website for a while. Clearly I haven’t made the leap yet. This post is my entry to the Girl’s Guide to Web Design Scholarship course which, if I win, will enable me to create my dream site so I need you all to go and votefor me (the rest of the post is telling you why).

As you know, I am a writer. But I want to be more than just a writer. I want to be known as a blogger and as a creative entrepreneur. This is why I want my own website – I want to have a home for myself online, where all aspects of who I am and what I do can be found under one roof so to speak. I’m imagining a website that lets you know this is Tamara Epps’ space. I want something clear and easy to navigate, yet sparkly and unique; with space for my blog, my shop, my subscription service and ebooks, as well as any future ideas I roll out.

As I’m just getting started I don’t have any money to spend on getting professional help, and I’m not sure I am ready to let my ideas come to life through someone else. I have always been stubborn and independent which is why I love that this course teaches the students how to do it by themselves. I also know that my vision will probably change over time as I add new aspects and ideas to the site and I don’t want to have to rely on someone else to make that a possibility every time – I want my viewers to be the first to know about it.

I am applying for the Jetsetter Edition as this will allow me to move at my own pace, meaning I will be able to work around the limited energy I have due to my M.E. I love that they offer the course like this (as well as an 8-week course) as, for people like me, having to follow someone else’s structure can be a real strain on health – and often ends with having to drop-out or give up half way through. You all know that I am not a quitter, which means I tend to power through and end up putting myself back (I’m doing my best to work on this).

The competition requires that I tell you one secret fact about me. This is harder than it sounds as I always strive to share my secrets with you. So I’ll just tell you that, while I may actually be quite an organised person, I am not a tidy person. Ever wonder why I never showed you pics of our new place? It’s because I haven’t finished unpacking (I have a lot of stuff) and what is unpacked is strewn across the place.

So please vote for me.

An Experiment with Structuring

2012-01-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

I have decided that if I am going to get anywhere with all my wonderful plans and ideas (especially as I seem to have opened the floodgates and now they are all pouring in), that I need to add a little structure to my days. So far I have been getting on with a very (very) loose structure that larger revolves around the fact that I have to wait for my laptop to charge between the times I use it. While I’d like to think that I have the self-discipline for this to work, it clearly hasn’t been; and, quite frankly, I don’t like feeling like a failure at the end of every day because I haven’t achieved as much as I’d set out to do (which is often only one or two things) due to the fact that I get distracted with other stuff I can do.

So I’m putting my foot down (metaphorically) and taking control of my days (literally). Remember those timetables you used to use at high school, with all the lessons marked clearly in their timetabled boxes? Well, I’m going to replicate that idea and make my very own timetable for each day. I am hoping to still keep a little spontaneity and quite a bit of flexibility in it, but I think that the general meandering between activities that I have been doing just isn’t going to cut it if I actually want to make some money this year.

Do you have a structure to your day or do you just do whatever you feel like? Let me know in the comments what works for you and if you would like to see my timetable later this week.

Review: Water for Elephants

2012-01-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

Click to buy

Though he may not speak of them, the memories still dwell inside Jacob Jankowski's ninety-something-year-old mind. Memories of himself as a young man, tossed by fate onto a rickety train that was home to the Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth. Memories of a world filled with freaks and clowns, with wonder and pain and anger and passion; a world with its own narrow, irrational rules, its own way of life, and its own way of death. The world of the circus: to Jacob it was both salvation and a living hell.

Jacob was there because his luck had run out - orphaned and penniless, he had no direction until he landed on this locomotive 'ship of fools'. It was the early part of the Great Depression, and everyone in this third-rate circus was lucky to have any job at all. Marlena, the star of the equestrian act, was there because she fell in love with the wrong man, a handsome circus boss with a wide mean streak. And Rosie the elephant was there because she was the great gray hope, the new act that was going to be the salvation of the circus; the only problem was, Rosie didn't have an act - in fact, she couldn't even follow instructions. The bond that grew among this unlikely trio was one of love and trust, and ultimately, it was their only hope for survival. (Blurb from Goodreads)

I have to admit that when I received this book for Christmas from a Secret Santa, I was a little disappointed. The cover was a huge turn-off for me as it’s packaged as a romance (I tend to stick to chick-lit when indulging in romance) so I was complete caught off guard by the amazing story that unfolded as I turned the pages.

While there is a romantic plot of sorts, that is not what I will take away from reading this story. I will remember the details (at times repugnant) and the outlandishness of it all. And most of all, I will remember the way I was sucked into the often brutal world of train circuses, something that wasn’t even on my radar until this book landed in my lap. This book reminded me of the power of words, of stories. And at the heart of it, I was reminded of humanity in so many forms.

I honestly can’t think of anyone who shouldn’t read this book. I know my world-view will be forever changed from this experience, so I hope you consider adding it to your to-read list (or, even better, buying it or renting it and reading it next).

I realise that I haven’t given you much to go on with this review, but it has truly left me speechless (something that very rarely happens). To say more would negate from the experience waiting within the pages – an adventure that at times will make you avert your eyes (to no use as the image is printed into your imagination), and at others will keep you up to find out what could possibly happen next (yes, that did happen to me last night, so I am considerably more tired today than perhaps I should have been). So go, read. And feel free to share any world-changing books that you think I should read, in the comments.

Focus Really Does Help Productivity

2012-01-11T08:15:00.000-08:00

I’m sure you’ve heard (or read) the advice that focusing on one thing at a time leads to productivity, time management, quality work, etc. The reason this advice is everywhere is because it’s true (shocker, I know).

I’ve read this advice countless times. If anyone asked me, I would probably have regurgitated it – but I didn’t follow it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to follow it, I just had so much to do that I tried to do everything at once (often not realising that that’s what I was doing).

It wasn’t until my laptop stopped functioning all the time, that I realised just how true this ‘focus on one thing at a time’ advice is. I used to spend most of the day on my laptop with many, many tabs and windows open that I would flick between. Reading a blog post here, an email there, writing a paragraph in between. When my time on my laptop became limited it didn’t take me long to realise that continuing to do this would mean that I wouldn’t even finish reading my emails (and I don’t really get that many) before my time was up. And so I adjusted to putting all my focus on one place at a time. While I do still have many tabs open, I try and finish reading/doing whatever is on that page before moving on to the next. I put all my focus on what I am doing and I end up doing a lot more than if I am trying to take in information from many different things at once.

Putting your focus on one thing at a time really does make a difference to your productivity, which I feel is particularly helpful for me as I have limited energy in a day so need to use that energy and time wisely, rather than not doing anything and yet feeling exhausted because I’ve tried to do everything.

Now that I know that focusing on one thing at a time really does work, I am beginning to put it into action in my life. I finish what I’m doing (or do something for a set time) before moving on to the next thing. And I focus on what I’m doing rather than thinking about a hundred other things at the same time; or at least I’m trying to.

Do you try and do a million things at once or are you a master of productivity – let me know in the comments (and if you’re a master, feel free to share your tips).

How Making Pizza Proves YOU Are Creative

2012-01-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

You all know that I am a creative person. You may or may not think you, yourself are creative. I know that you are all creative.

Creativity isn't limited to artists and writers and dreamers. Creativity is in everything you do. Every decision you make requires you to use your creativity - whether that be time management, choosing what to read or deciding what you are having for dinner.

I think I've always known this but yesterday I realised that it's the truth - everyone is creative (yes, you too). We are currently having to live with less money than we're used to (apparently, being a student is a luxury life these days) and the first place we're changing our habits is with our food. Granted, we have never really been that adventurous when it comes to what's for dinner - we've almost always turned towards pasta. And, unfortunately, the occasional take-out pizza. Yesterday we had pretty much had it with pasta and really wanted the unhealthy pizza option. Yet, we knew it wasn't really an option if we want to be able to pay our rent and bills.

This is where the creativity kicked in. I decided to look for a recipe we could make with what we had in our cupboards (which were particularly bare). Within 10 minutes I had found this recipe. I had used another recipe from Tammy's Recipes and strongly recommend you take a look if you need something quick, cheap and easy for dinner.

Uncooked Biscuit Crust Pizza with Spinach

For those of you too lazy to click on the links (I don't hold it against you, honestly), the recipe was Biscuit Crust Pizza. It took us 45 minutes from when we decided to make it til when we were eating it. It was entirely edible as well as very cheap and much healthier than take out (though I would advise using less salt than recommended). And it proves that creativity is possible for everyone. The decision not to stay safe with the same pasta meal we always have was a creative act. Searching for a few minutes online to find something we had the ingredients for was a creative act (by the way, it used: plain flour, baking powder, butter, milk, pizza sauce and cheese). Using pasta sauce rather than pizza sauce was a creative act. Adding spinach (because we love it and because that's what we had in the freezer) was a creative act.

Another pic of our pizza that I'm super proud of. Sorry, I forgot to take one of it actually cooked as we were too hungry to remember!

I think you get my point. Everytime you allow yourself to step outside your comfort zone, you strengthen your creativity. And I promise, THE CREATIVITY IS ALREADY THERE.

How I'm Learning Online

2012-01-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

I realise I have been MIA for the past week, but I have been kick-starting my business plans by attending a virtual event, Profit SOS (the talks are still available but only if you wish to purchase the VIP 'tickets'). The course involved 2 webinars each day and I have to say it was quite a learning experience for me. Not only did I get plenty of very useful information, it opened my mind to all the possibilities the internet has for learning.

I've always known that the internet is a great place for information. It is the first place I turn to in most cases when I wish to know something. But until now I've been 'playing it safe' by just looking at written pages of information. Now, I'm not saying that that isn't a great way to learn (personally, I love reading anything and everything I can get my hands on); but it isn't the only way to learn (and for some people it isn't a particularly easy way to keep information in the mind). I am now open to trying more virtual events as well as using video and podcasts/webinars to boost my learning. I'm thinking that later this year I will be looking into Psychology and Sociology courses available (apparently many univerisities make most of their courses available for anyone to access).

But for right now I am going to focus on using everything I've learnt and starting to put it into practice. If there's any part of learning I fall down on, this is it. I'm a very academic person so like learning by taking in information; and writing essays is usually as practical as I like to get. Obviously, simply knowing tactics isn't going to get me far in actually creating and running a business. I realise that I'm in for an even steeper learning curve but I am excited to be on this journey and hope you all enjoy following along.

3 Words for 2012

2012-01-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I read a post by Chris Brogan about choosing 3 words for the year and trying to live by them. It sounded like a really interesting idea and one I definitely wanted to try. It took me a little while to come up with my 3 words, and I doubt that I will be living with them for a whole year (if I remember, I will re-evaluate them in 6 months) as, for me, that’s quite a long time, and a lot can change during it.

Passion:
The first word that immediately came to mind was ‘passion’. As a creative and drama-princess I am obviously passionate in a lot of what I want to do. This year, as I embark on becoming an entrepreneur, I want to remember to keep passion at the heart of everything I do. I want to ensure that I am passionate about every decision I make as I believe that that will help me to follow my instincts and my ‘truth’.

Believe:
The second word I came up with was ‘believe’. This is actually a very important word for me right now as it has to do with an idea I had that made my business idea bloom. Right now, I believe I can do more than I’ve been doing. I believe that I can become who I’m meant to be. I believe that starting a business is the right path for me right now. I chose to use this word as one to live by because I need to remember to keep these beliefs and to embrace the positive beliefs I stumble upon on my journey.

Pace:
Honestly, I didn’t want to include this word. It doesn’t uplift or inspire me. But I know that it is something I need to live by right now. I need to pace myself. I need to keep resting regularly and to not get ahead of myself as I want to improve my health. So while I don’t like having this word as one of my 3, I know it is the right word to keep there. It isn’t something that comes naturally to me which is why I feel it is even more important to keep it in my focus.

So these are the three words that I’m going to keep at the forefront of my mind in any and every decision I make for the next period in my life (however long it feels right to keep them there). I’m thinking of writing them nice and big and putting them on the wall next to my desk. Let me know if you decide to join in and I recommend reading Chris Brogan’s post on it and, if you have a chance, visit some people who have commented.

I'm Not Waiting For The New Year To Start

2011-12-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

You may remember that I once said I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I still stand by that - it's a bad time (for most people) to be trying to better themselves. We've just had a massive indulge session with Christmas - food, gifts, drink etc - which just doesn't lead to positive thoughts about ourselves.

However, this year I am feeling excited. I think perhaps it's because I usually get my 'new start' excitement at the beginning of the school year (September, October time), and this year I didn't. So now I'm filled with hope and belief that next year is going to be MY YEAR. Now, technically I'm not making any resolutions, I'm just resolving to keep going, to keep trying until I get where I want to go.

I am also not waiting for the first of January. I have been filled with this renewed passion for a few days and I am already acting on it. I started stitching my designs (yes, for that creative business I mentioned a few months ago) and I'm writing more - more often and more varied ideas. I love this feeling that anything is possible and I'm hoping you are feeling it too. If you are, I would love it if you stop waiting for the right moment (New Year, Monday, Next Week) as personally I feel that the longer we procrastinate with our actions, the less likely we are to start at all.

Let me know in the comments if you have any New Year Resolutions and if you are going to stop waiting.

Resting

2011-12-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

I realise that once again I have been missing for a week or so. This weekend was completely nuts for me and the truth is I did far too much. I went Christmas shopping and my family came round for the weekend which was a lot of work due to all the tidying that needed to get done - it was totally worth it though to see my Mum and Dad.

So this week I'm taking it slow (well, last night I had a girly night with a friend which was fabulous) and enjoying the lack of stress I'm finally feeling. I know that there is still tidying to do but most of the stresses of Christmas are now past and I'm deciding to just relax and enjoy the end of the year. Hope you're having a restful and peaceful time and making time for you.

Fighting My Inner Monica

2011-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

I am a big fan of the tv series ‘Friends’ and my favourite character is Monica (it used to be Pheobe but I guess I changed). In some ways I want to be like her – I like that she is super organised, though I in no way am as tidy-compulsive as she is. In fact, I’ve never really felt that I am that obsessive about how I live or how I appear to others.

This Christmas season I realised that that is complete rubbish. I am quite an organised person usually, but when it comes to Christmas I always want to have the picture-card perfect holiday. I want to give the best gifts; I want to bake every festive cake and cookie recipe I find; I want to decorate the flat perfectly.

This year I had planned on making everyone’s gifts. I have had to let that go and am now only making little ones and Spud’s gifts (though Spud is going to get his late as I’ve only just started it!). We haven’t decorated at all yet (the plan is to do it today) as I wanted to completely tidy the flat first. I’ve had to relax this hope as there are still unpacked boxes and it’s just not realistic to empty them all and clean and put up the decorations before this weekend (when our parents are coming round). I wanted to bake lots of different delights – so far I’ve baked one batch of gingerbread cupcakes. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to bake gingerbread biscuits in the next few days and next week want to give the candy cane cakes a go (they have peppermint icing in red and white).

While I still wish I could have my ‘picture perfect’ Christmas, I have realised that forcing myself to try will cause me a lot of pain and exhaustion. And when I can’t fulfil my hopes I would be crushed and my mood would ruin Christmas. So I have decided to not worry quite as much and to try and enjoy the season. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s ‘perfect’ or not, as spending time with my family and with Chris will make it perfect. Besides, there’s always next year and the year after that and the year after that to keep improving until I become the best hostess (no, I’m not like Monica at all) and create the image in my mind (though I guarantee it still wouldn’t be great unless I have someone to share it with).

Growing Up

2011-12-12T12:59:00.000-08:00

For the past week or so I have been feeling particularly homesick. This is the first time I've felt like I really want to go home and be with my family, since Chris and I moved in together six months ago. I'm certain that part of this homesickness is due to it being Christmas. Christmas has always been a family holiday for me, and sticking to my decision to just spend it with Chris has been really difficult (I'm seriously considering spending Christmas day with my parents next year if they don't mind!).

However, I'm refusing to give in to my inner child on this as I am really stubborn and also, I feel it is time for me to try living life my way. Of course I have no idea what that means yet, but I get the feeling it's the sort of thing you learn from trying rather than keeping it to theory.

I will be seeing my parents, my sister, and my little brother this weekend though and I'm really excited about it as I miss them all so much. It doesn't feel that long since I was still living at home and groaning about getting up each day to go to school (which, when I think about it, was very weird as I am a very academic person) but, it turns out, life catches up. I'm just beginning to realise this and that, while I will always have my family, my friends and my memories, finding out who I am and what I really want is the next step in my life. Guess I grew up after all (well, except when it comes to Christmas - I can't wait to leave out a mince pie for Santa and see what he leaves me to unwrap).

My Day and a Mini Struggle I'm Currently Having

2011-12-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

It is possibly a bad idea to write this post right now as I can feel tiredness overwhelming me; and if truth be told, I have no pearls of wisdom to share with you.

Today I went Christmas shopping - only I didn't end up buying any presents (actually, I bought one) though I came home with a few treats for myself (and a few more ideas and a lot of panicking about ideas I don't have yet). It may seem a little early to be stressing out about the lack of presents I have bought, but for me, most of the present giving is going to happen next weekend as both Chris' and my parents are visiting.

I am also struggling with my laptop at the moment. It works, but refuses to charge while it is switched on so I have to wait while it charges in between my times online. This is completely weird for me as usually I spend hours online every day - now I am relegated to just a few hours over the course of one day (my batteries are old so don't last very long and take ages to charge). Unfortunately it has been my writing that has taken a hit - both my blogging and, in fact, all other writing I do (except writing in my diary). I am still undecided whether being forced away for my laptop for the majority of the day is a good thing or not. I'm thinking that it's good that I am no longer allowed to glue myself to a screen, but I also think that the 1-1.1/2 hr time I have at a time is not long enough to really start and finish everything I want to do - I guess this is where it takes some practice (and clearly I am getting better as I've managed to write this today!)

Hopefully I'll have something of more substance for you later this week (but please don't hold your breath as I would hate to be the cause of your lack of oxygen).

Didn't Mean To Be Gone So Long

2011-12-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, I honestly didn't realise just how much time I have been away from this blog. I can't really believe that it's December already (it doesn't help that I don't feel very Christmassy) and I hope that this month I manage to write here more often.

This past week I have generally been doing better. By that I mean that I have found myself being a little more positive and a lot more gentle with myself (or at least I am trying to).

Finding myself suddenly in December I feel disorientated - usually at this time of year I would be wrapping up in layers to walk to school/college/uni and anticipating the holiday time with my family. This year is different. I can't remember the last time I was out of the flat (I know it wasn't that cold) and, while I will be seeing my parents, I won't be spending Christmas with them. Chris and I are planning on spending it together, just us two, as it is the first year we have been living together.

I want to say that I am looking forward to it, but honestly I don't know right now. I am panicking that I don't have any Christmas presents ready - I am behind on the organising of cards and food and decorating (yes, I do tend to go into overdrive around the holidays). So please excuse me while I go and stitch in the hopes of finishing at least one homemade present in time.

[This post was written 4th December. I have, in fact, been out of the flat since then and am even starting to feel a little Christmassy.]

One Thing At a Time

2011-11-18T10:26:00.000-08:00

Since my last post I haven't really known what to write here. What I do know is that the longer I go without posting, the less I want to - so I'm deciding to post now before I reach a time where I feel completely unable to.

Yesterday was a good day. I was productive and I felt positive in general. Unfortunately the feeling hasn't followed through to today although I was just as productive.

I am, however, feeling less overwhelmed with life. For the first time in a long time I have started feeling every now and again that I am capable of getting through this, that the world isn't going to end around me. This is a huge step for me as it is allowing me to focus on just one thing at a time rather than feeling the weight of everything that needs to get done. I am choosing to simply focus on getting through each day and organising my Christmas list (I feel so far behind in this but at least I am moving forward now). Everything else has been put on hold - I still have those plans and ideas but I am ignoring them for now as if I think about them everything engulfs me until I cannot find myself.

I hope you've had a good week.

The Truth

2011-11-10T10:59:00.000-08:00

I know I was supposed to be 'back' this week. I had planned to post about what I did last week along with my usual posts. The truth is I haven't wanted to. So far this week I've written a blog post - it's ready and sitting on my laptop - but I'm not ready to share it with the world yet. I have found that with a lot of things I've been writing lately. Some of it I've shared anyway. Other pieces, or partly-formed pieces, are also sitting on my laptop without a home. I am planning to rectify that. Or at least I was.

Then yesterday depression hit me. I can't explain what happened (mostly because I'm really not sure myself). I just know that one moment I was crying and then I couldn't stop crying. This is not the first time this has happened. And I doubt it will be the last. It's a part of me that I haven't ever shared here before. But now I know I need to share it. Sharing is a step towards helping me truly face up to it. Sure, I've known I've had depressive bouts many times in my life, but I've either ignored them or just let them run their course. This time I know that I no longer want to be depressed.

Every moment becomes a challenge. Feeding myself, even checking my email becomes a mountain. One that I have continued to climb every single day. I know the reason why I fight on. It's because I know there are people who love me, who want to see me achieve my potential. But it's becoming harder and harder to deal with as I begin to question everything I do - am I really just doing it for other people? And if I am, shouldn't I stop? But if I stop then I will just be a large mound of nothingness. And so the questions and insults circle round and round in my mind.

Today I stumbled across a blog post that describes depression so much better than I ever could. It helped me to understand that I am not alone in this fight. And that is another reason why I'm sharing it. I could wait and make this a story about success, but I'm hoping that in sharing it, you will become part of that success. Because now I believe that I can get better (btw, I am not at the end of my 'adventure in depression'). And I want you to know that I will be here struggling on, day by day. I just can't promise that I will be writing here every day - or even the three times a week I've been keeping to lately. I am making the promise to continue writing though, and although some of that writing may never see the light of day, it is enough for now, that I will be writing.

So what does all this rambling about me mean for you? That when you come here you might not be subjected to the thought-out mini-essays I have been delivering; that I will be sharing snippets of my soul when I can. And for those of you in similar places (emotionally that is), the knowledge that you are not alone in this fight. Life will get better (at least I have to believe it will). It also means that, while I will be trying to continue with my plans for the new website and creative business, I probably won't be holding myself accountable here (because honestly I can't deal with the stress that is causing me).

So to sum up this excessively long post, I want you to know that I'm okay. I'm not good and to be honest even 'okay' is a little higher up than how I am right now. But I have people around me who love me. And if you ever wanted to know how it feels to live with depression I strongly recommend you check out that blog post.

I'm Back

2011-11-07T04:11:00.000-08:00

Hello all, as you can see, I am back from my 'vacation'. Originally I was going to let you know what I did last week, but I feel now that that will have to wait for later.

Because I'm feeling a little confused and more than a little unfocused. Taking a week off was supposed to help me relax and, while I did relax, I also believe I overdid it a little. So today, I know that I have plenty to get on with, in fact, I have so much that needs doing that I have no idea where to even start. My mind is flitting from project to project, barely giving me time to register them all. And yet I have very few ideas when it comes to blogging and writing. I had hoped this break would replenish and relax me. Unfortunately it seems not to have worked. Now I am restless, exhausted, unfocused and there is even a hint of panic which I'm doing my best to suppress.

However, I still plan to take things slowly. I don't want to suddenly dump everything on me (even if my brain refuses to believe this) as I know I just won't cope. So I'm going to try focusing on one thing at a time. Right now I am focusing on this blog post, and then, I don't know what I'll focus on - but I'm determined to choose just one thing and give it my attention. I know that flitting through everything won't help. So I'm taking a deep breath and continuing on, taking tasks one at a time, because even though I am feeling unfocused and lost, I know that I have to keep going as giving up is not an option.

Tonight I Am...

2011-10-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

I know that only yesterday I told you I was taking a week off. That's still my plan but this post was just too important to me to not share it today so I hope you'll forgive me.

Today is Halloween. Most of you are probably planning on dressing up and going trick-or-treating - I hope you have a safe, fun evening.

For Pagans, today is Samhain. On this evening the veil between our world and the spirit world is at its thinnest, so is the best time to contact those who have departed (I seriously don't advise you do this though unless you know what you are doing). For me, today is a reminder to remember those I love who aren't with us anymore so tonight I am planning on lighting a candle and thinking of my Grandad.

I will be remembering those times I rode on his knee as he sang 'Ride-a-cock-horse'; watching him in his garden and helping him to pick the runner beans; and his desk full of 'free gifts' he had claimed (mostly pens and a few pedometers is what I remember).

I hope you take time to acknowledge those beliefs that differ from your own and please feel free to share your opinions on tonight's festivities in the comments, or to remember someone you have lost.

Taking A Week Off

2011-10-30T05:36:00.000-07:00

This week has not been a good one for me. I have spent a lot of it on the sofa doing a whole lot of nothing. And every day I have felt more and more guilty for not writing enough, not reading enough, not designing, not stitching - you get the idea. The problem is that this guilt is stopping me from properly resting as instead, I am constantly going over things in my mind - trying to think of blog posts and design ideas that simply are not forthcoming at this time. And so I've decided to take a leaf out of Michael Nobbs' book (see this post for learning about making time for resting) and announce that this week will be a holiday. While I am not physically going anywhere, I have decided that I will stop feeling guilty about what I'm not doing, and instead allow my body and mind to relax. Therefore I will not be blogging next week and will probably only pop onto Twitter and Google+ every now and again rather than trying to be constantly connected. I hope you understand and I look forward to seeing you again a week on Monday, hopefully feeling more like myself and able to focus on starting to do a little at a time towards my goals once again.

History in Words

2011-10-26T09:37:00.001-07:00

I am currently reading ‘The Oxford Book of Essays’ as I fancied a bit of a change to my normal reading habits. I expected to be entertained, informed and my knowledge widened. I didn’t realise just how effected I would be by reading them.

The essays in this book date back to the 17^th Century, and I haven’t got that far through the book yet. But the one thing that struck me as I read, is that these people who are writing and being written about are becoming alive for me. I was never much of a history fan as dates and names pretty much leave me staring blankly at a wall in panic. Reading the words of those who lived then, though, that is a completely different experience. I can imagine I really am among that society, in that time – seeing and hearing everything going on about me.

While this is amazing and incredible, it also shows just how important words are. Obviously I already know this (hello, I’m a writer!) but it’s always good to be truly reminded of the power of words. Words can invoke any feeling, words can change a person. The words we are writing now may one day be read as an account of this period of time (I can dream). And that is why I try and make every word I write the truth of who I am and where I am. I want to use the power of words to change the world. I want my words to be remembered and, by extension, be remembered myself.

This may seem completely selfish but isn’t that what everybody wants? To leave some sort of legacy? To prove we did exist? For me, words are my answer, but even if they were never read I would continue to write as every word I write effects the writer just as much (if not more) than the reader. My words make me who I am. The words left by those in history are what is left of them and when I go, I hope my words will show who I was and show what I believed in.

How do you hope to be remembered?

Non-Exercise Tips for Those with Chrongic Disabilities

2011-10-24T05:21:00.000-07:00

On Friday I spoke out against exercise advice as being the only advice as not everyone is able to exercise. As such I figured that I really should share some a few tips of what works for me in improving my health. Just to be clear, I am not suggesting that exercise won’t improve your health, I believe it’s a vital component to a healthy lifestyle but for those of you unable to exercise regularly, these are ideas that you might be able to try.

Drink plenty of water. Since I’ve upped my intake of water, I have had more energy and am also eating less. For those of you who can’t stand plain water, try herbal or fruit teas – there’s a flavour to suit almost everyone.

Cut down on caffeine. I only have one mug of coffee a day on most days and I always have it in the morning. If I feel I need a pick-me-up during the day I usually opt for a redbush tea.

Take breaks from looking at a screen. I spend a large portion of my day in front of my laptop – writing, reading, socialising and playing games. I take short breaks every half hour where I give my eyes a rest. Workrave is a neat little application you can download for free which will remind you when to take your breaks (at intervals and lengths of your choosing).

Have a sleep schedule. This is another of those pieces of advice you find a lot and that’s because it really works. I used to have great difficulty getting to sleep but I figure that’s probably due to spending the majority of day in bed. Therefore, to get my sleep schedule sorted I took a very small dosage sleeping pill (prescribed by my Doctor) which helped me evaluate how long I need to sleep for and to get me in the habit of going to bed at the same time every day. I now continue going to bed and get up at the same time everyday (I fall down if I don’t get up as then my body doesn’t realise it’s tired enough). If you suffer from insomnia it is not a weakness to seek help. Other than that, my main advice would be to stay away from technology before bed as this stimulates the brain, making it much more difficult to relax.

Meditation. I don’t meditate as often as I would like but when I do I notice the effects. When my mind is still and peaceful, my body naturally follows suit and relaxes. Meditation doesn’t have to be done sitting up in the lotus position – it can be done anywhere and in any position you find comfortable. I would recommend finding somewhere you won’t be interrupted when you first start out as trying to focus in a busy or loud area can use a lot more energy.

Smile. Smiling and laughing release endorphins that are guaranteed to make you feel better, plus it’s much better to get your highs from laughing than from chocolate as you will no doubtedly be left feeling guilty for over-indulging.

Eat dark chocolate. When I feel I have a chocolate craving coming I eat a square or two of dark chocolate (my favourite is Divine) as obviously this is much healthier than splurging on a whole bar of Galaxy.

Eat your fruit and veg. Now, I don’t usually make it up to the ‘5 a day’ that we hear so much about but I try to get in a few portions every day as they are necessary for our body to perform correctly.

Take vitamins and supplements. I currently take Vitamin B Complex and an Iron & Vitamin C every day. I don’t know if they are actually helping but I like to think they are (and I know they’re not doing any harm so better to take them than not in my opinion). If you are on a lot of medication or are unsure ask your Doctor or Pharmacist for advice as they are qualified to help you.

Get some sunshine. Getting outside and soaking up some rays can be very beneficial to our mental health. I often can’t really go out so most days just take a step out the door and stand in the sun for 5 minutes. I am hoping to save up for a sun lamp (often used to treat S.A.D - Seasonal Affective Disorder) for those days when I can’t go out at all (or when there’s no sun).

Hope you found these ideas useful. Please remember that I am not an expert so before taking any drastic lifestyle changes, please consult your Doctor or Pharmacist. Have I missed anything that works for you? Let us know in the comments.

A Little Word on Exercise Advice

2011-10-21T05:49:00.001-07:00

I am always on the look out for good advice, especially when it concerns health and/or creativity. I’m not looking for a magic pill to make me thin or the secret to motivation (okay, maybe a little on the last one), I am simply trying to find ideas that others have tried – I don’t want to miss out on something that will make me feel better because I didn’t know about it.

The problem is there is one piece of advice I come across over and over and over: exercise more. Now, I’m not disagreeing that exercise is very good for your health and creativity, but every time I read those words I feel a knife in my gut.

To begin with I feel angry. I mean, I know I need to exercise, I want to exercise, but I physically can’t. I can’t even stand up long enough to have a shower or wash up so how do you expect me to go for a walk to clear my head? It may be easy for you, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that option.

I then feel guilty. I know that when that advice is spouted out it’s not to make me feel worse about myself. I know that the chances are, the person on the other end of the words really is trying to help. So I feel guilty, first for getting angry at them, and then for not being able to follow their advice.

It’s a never-ending circle of anger and guilt, even though I know it’s completely unreasonable to feel either of these. I have to constantly remind myself that for many people, exercise is a viable option. And I also have to remember that it’s not my fault that I can’t follow their advice. But sometimes I just wish that someone would acknowledge those of us who don’t have good health through no fault of our own, even if they don’t have any other ideas, being acknowledged would make my day.

So for all of you like me, you are not to blame for whatever has happened that makes it impossible to lead a ‘normal’ life. I understand your anger towards those who don’t understand (like I said, I often feel it myself) but honestly, realising that words spoken aren’t usually there to hurt you, uses a lot less energy than anger. And after all, we want to keep that tiny bit that remains so we can make some semblance of continuance in this journey called life.

Have you ever felt angry at advice not intended for you? Do you have any advice for me, something that perhaps made your life a tiny bit better?

Living Through A Screen

2011-10-19T10:00:00.001-07:00

For the past couple of months I have been living almost entirely through my screen. I don’t mean to say that I don’t disconnect, spend time with Chris, my hobbies, my books, because I do. I mean that for me, the majority of my connections and experiences are rooted almost entirely online.

This isn’t really surprising and I have to say I’m so glad to live in a time with internet access as otherwise I would feel much more alone, helpless and trapped. But I realised the other day, when I was able to go outside to visit a friend (a truly wonderful experience, made much more gratifying now that we rarely see each other) that in becoming so connected to the online universe, I had disconnected from reality.

When I saw people walking by, going about their everyday business, I felt envious. Granted, I have often been hit with the strong feeling that life is unfair and questioning why this happened to me, but this time it was different. I had gotten myself so worked into the world that is the internet, that I had almost forgotten that there are other people in the world, right outside my front door. Even those who I have conversed with and been touched by remain hidden behind another screen.

The web may have the ability to connect us to everyone, but in the process we must always remember that those we connect with have lives outside the screen. They eat and sleep, the same as us. They have families and best friends and mistakes and dreams and desires that we can never see. Part of me wants to see right through the screen and be included in their lives. I want to see and know everything. Now, I know this isn’t possible, but just by remembering that everyone has a life outside the gates of my screen I believe that I can connect in a much more real and valuable way. When it comes down to it, we are all the same – and we want to know that.

What I'm Not Telling You

2011-10-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

Having any kind of presence online leaves us open and vulnerable. We are constantly aware of the risks we take in sharing an aspect of our world. You’ve probably noticed that I never mention where I live, or where my family lives, or anything that could root my existence in the real world. But at the same time, while I don’t want you to know where I live, I want to share how I live. After all, isn’t that reason we blog? To show a little of ourselves to the rest of the world.

The truth is I don’t know where the balance is anymore. I want to be open and honest with you, not just to be authentic, but because I want you to see me. At the same time there is just so much that I don’t know if I can, or even should, share. I know everyone goes through bad times, everyone has bad days. I’m completely guilty of thinking that they only ever happen to me. Yet I still don’t know whether to show you my open wounds, especially as they are still so open and raw for me.

I want you to understand what my life is like. But at the same time I want to protect you from it. No, I want to protect myself from it. I want to protect myself from being judged due to my feelings and reactions to them. And I want to protect myself by imagining that it isn’t true. If I don’t say it out loud (or online in this case) then perhaps I can believe that it didn’t really happen, that I am the happy, positive person I want to be, the one I want to show to the world.

This is not a new dilemma for writers. Where do we draw the line between allowing our audience to empathise through common emotions and giving them the blow-by-blow account of reality?

This is what I’m thinking about today. I don’t want you to worry, the wounds aren’t anything new I’m having to deal with, but I wanted you to know that there is more to me than I am prepared to show, at least right now. Saying that, however, I always aim to write my complete truth in this space. I may not be able to give you all of me, but what I do give is unedited, truthful glimpses of my life.

Feeling Angry

2011-10-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went into town with Chris (well, it would be hard going on my own in my wheelchair). We went to the library where I got some books out (you know I can never resist reading material) and had a coffee at Costa. In general, it was a good hour or two, especially as I was out of the flat (something I'm hoping will begin to happen more often).

But on the way home we unfortunately ran into one of those really careless people. Not only had he stopped his car on the corner (really not a safe place), but it was right across the dippy bit in the path which we needed to use to cross the road. Despite mentioning this, they completely ignored us, meaning that Chris had to push me quite far out of our way just so we could cross the road. Needless to say this put a mega dampner on our day out.

I know I shouldn't let other people get to me, but it's so easy to get upset or angry when someone is inconsiderate or just plain rude. I'd like to think the world is made up of good people (and the majority of the time I am able to believe it) but when people are aware that they are causing a problem and don't care, it really gets me down. More accurately, it gets me angry. Most of the time I just breathe and ignore them (I've found being patient in a queue when everyone else is grumbling is actually quite satisfactory) but this becomes a lot more difficult when I am tired (which I was, having left the flat for a change). Often I stop and remind myself that it is just possible they are having a bad day, after all, it happens to everyone and perhaps I should give them some slack.

Yesterday wasn't one of those days where I was patient or understanding. Yesterday I got angry. And then I got even more angry that he drove off before seeing how much he'd made us go out of our way. And so I grumbled and complained and moaned, and felt hurt and upset. Of course this led to me feeling guilty for allowing some idiot to ruin the end of the day. I know that I can't take back my moaning, and I know that Chris is way too understanding (doesn't make me feel any better though). All I can do is to try and remember for next time. Hopefully next time someone makes me angry I'll be able to shake it off and not let it effect how I'm feeling. After all, everyone makes mistakes, we just have to learn from them to make a better future.

The Announcement

2011-10-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

So I know you have all been waiting patiently to see what I have in store for the future. Well, for starters I am starting my own creative business. In fact, back when I first mentioned my secret project, I was referring to an idea I had for a business - that was all I had.

Since then the kernel of an idea has grown and grown and grown. Now, it no longer even looks like the same idea (and for the most part it's not). Now I am not only starting my own creative business, I am planning my own website where all the facets of me will sit comfortably together side by side - both the creative business and my writing endeavours, and anything else I come up with on this journey.

All this has been in my mind for months, slowly growing and evolving until last week when I was jolted with the knowledge that it was time to stop planning. Of course, I haven't stopped planning completely, but I have made the first few steps to making my dreams a reality. I have ordered a few supplies. I have jotted down ideas. I have bought my domain name(s). And now I am telling you about it.

So look forward to a new website coming from me soon - I promise you will be the first to know when it is up and running. And just so we're clear, I will continue blogging (though I don't think I will stay here indefinitely, blogging is a big part of my plans).

You can breathe a sigh of relief now, the worst bit, the not knowing, is over. Or are you now mad at me that it's not ready right now? (In which case, I would like to point out that originally I hadn't intended to tell you until I had something to show.)

Standing on the Cliff Edge

2011-10-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

Click for Source

Since I announced on Friday that I am going to start acting rather than simply reading about my plans, I have felt myself come to a shuddering stop. I don't know if this is because I told the world to get ready for me, or if it would have happened anyway. All I know is that I feel completely paralysed, I know I need to take the next step but I feel as though I am standing on a cliff edge and just one more step and I will fall.

Of course I know I need to take the step anyway. I could go back the way I came but if I'm honest, I really don't want to. I even know that while there is a chance of falling, it won't be a hard landing. Besides, I might end up flying. I just need to find the strength inside me to take that step and move forward - knowing you are here watching me helps (though it also terrifies).

So what do you do when you need to find the strength to take the next step?

Time for Forward

2011-10-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

I know I have been procrastinating recently. I have been spending my days reading about action. I have been filling my mind with powerful words from others. I completely believe that I needed this to get to this stage - the stage where I am ready to act.

While I have been constantly absorbing and thinking, my ideas (for my secret project) have expanded. They are now so huge that I stand here, slightly intimidated in their presence. Now I know that it is time to stop passively moving forward and start purposefully pushing myself forward. Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I plan to put my health at risk; I don't expect to go as fast as I'd like, but I do want to start taking slightly bigger steps towards my dreams.

I may be terrified of the challenges I know are in my path, but I also know that this is a path I have to follow as otherwise I will never have rest.

Next week I will be sharing a little snippet of my path - I hope you will want to follow me through the trees and over the boulders.